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While it’s true that actions speak louder than words, sometimes people do tell you, in rather plain words, what their intentions are. You just aren’t listening. I let several men string me along in the past. I just focused on the few good things they did—I was living on bread crumbs really—as justification to stay in it, but I refused to acknowledge the gaping hole in their efforts. I let them convince me that I was high maintenance or too pushy if I simply asked where things were going. I was more focused on impressing them and keeping them happy than taking care of my own needs. The funny thing is that, they really did say things that made it clear they had no plan of making things official. If he says these things, he’ll string you along forever.
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I like to live in the moment
And what exactly does living in the moment have to do with not committing to somebody? This is the line men say when you try to ask if they see a future with you or if they’d like to take a trip with you in a few months or where they see things going. They try to make you feel like you struggle to be present—but they’re just taking the focus off themselves.
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The future is not even real
Players can suddenly sound a lot like philosophy majors on LSD when you ask them if this relationship has any staying power. If they really didn’t think the future was real, though, they wouldn’t pay their utilities bills or show up to work.
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I don’t like making plans
Yes, yes, they’re all so very spontaneous and youthful. They want to leave their days open to possibilities, so they won’t make a plan to go on a trip with you next weekend. But, like, isn’t there plenty of room for possibilities within the plan you’re trying to make?
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Why do labels matter?
I’m telling you—these wishy-washy guys like to mess with your head. They like to leave you believing that you have conformed to ideas society has fed you and that you aren’t independent enough to form your own opinions. It’s all just a distraction, while they’re sleeping with other women.
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Who cares what society thinks
Some will appeal to the common insecurity women have around caring what society thinks. We know we shouldn’t care what society thinks, so these players try to convince us that the only reason we want the title of “girlfriend,” is to impress society, and in that way they make us dislike the idea of being a girlfriend.
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I want you to be free to explore
Oh wow. How generous. So kind. Really—this guy is just looking out for your personal growth. While another woman is literally going down on him while he’s having this phone call with you.
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Does everything have to be so serious?
When you try to simply ask him about personal matters like his family or his goals, he asks you why conversations always have to be so serious. He is essentially bullying you into feeling that you’re a buzz kill, all because you’re trying to get closer to him.
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I care about you, isn’t that enough?
That’s the answer to “So, what are we?” The thing is that this guy doesn’t really care about you. He cares about himself. That’s why he’s stringing you along—so you’re there for him, when it’s convenient to him, but so you don’t wander off and make things official with another man who actually cares about you.
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I don’t do friends
You ask if he wants to meet your friends for drinks and he says, “I don’t do friends—can’t it just be you and me?” It seems romantic. He wants it to seem that way. He’s actually just doing all he can to keep things from seeming official.
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It’s nobody’s business what we are
You take him to an event and ask, “So, how should I introduce you?” and he says, “It’s nobody’s business what we are.” He is again appealing to your desire to not want to impress others. But he’s just getting out of being introduced as your boyfriend so he can hit on other women there.
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Why do you want to fight?
When you try to bring up where this is going, he accuses you of loving to fight. And though those conversations do tend to turn into a fight, that’s not your fault—that’s on him. He gets upset when you start to call his bluff.
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I’m big on personal space
The thing is that most people want personal space. It’s only the guys who go out of their way to tell you this that want so much personal space that you basically only see them twice a month. At two am. For a booty call.
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Stop worrying so much
He’ll try to spin your questions about what you are and where this is going as you being a worrier. He’ll try to take the focus off of this relationship and instead make you feel insecure that you worry too much.
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Can’t we just have fun?
So, in his mind, commitment and fun cannot go hand-in-hand. He’s telling you that, right there. If that’s how he feels, then he’ll never commit.
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Here, just have another drink
Every time you try to talk about where things are going, he just pours you another drink. He tells you that you deserve to relax and not trouble yourself with serious topics. Gee. How thoughtful.
