Truths Of Having A Toddler In Your Forties

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One of my girlfriends surprised us all a few years ago by announcing that she and her partner were having a baby. This was more of a surprise than baby announcements usually are because A) she’d always said, quite sternly, that she did not want children and B) she was 42 when she made this announcement. Part of the reason she hadn’t wanted children before was because she felt it would interfere with her career. She never thought she’d become as successful as she had by that age, so she never realized she’d get to a place where she was settled enough at work and still young(ish) enough to have a kid. But it happened. I’ve learned through her some of the interesting experiences of having a toddler when you’re in your forties. She absolutely loves it, but there have been some surprises.

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Career demands are higher

Interesting enough, the reason my friend felt ready to have kids is that her career is going so well. What she hadn’t anticipated is that that is the same reason she often faces conflict. She rarely can just pass off a project onto somebody else when her kid needs her attention: she’s the only one who knows how to do it. Every task she has is top priority and something for which she’s just the best woman for the job.

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Less baby weight concern

She listens to the 29-year-old moms in her mommy and me group talk about their concerns about getting back to a size two or having perky breasts again. She laughs because she got over being a size two or having perky breasts several years before having kids.

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Slightly more overbearing in-laws

She does, however, have more involved in-laws than the younger moms she knows. Why? Because since she’s older, her in-laws are also older aka they’re retired and have little to do but stick their noses where they don’t belong.

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You’ve tackled romantic ups and downs

The young moms in her mom group panic a lot about the fact that, suddenly, their romantic relationship with their partners has taken a huge dip. This is their first experience of this. Being in her forties, my friend had already seen her marriage go through several ups and downs. She knows they can bounce back from this slump, as they have all the others.

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You parent the other moms

Since the other moms she knows with toddlers are anywhere from 10 to 15 years younger than her, my friend finds herself parenting them, too. Her mom group consists of everyone discussing how to care for toddlers, and then her just giving the other women advice on…all sorts of things.

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You get confused stares

She does get confused stares when she’s out with her toddler. She even gets subtle, leading questions. People are trying to figure out if that is her kid or somebody else’s kid. She seems too old to be the mom but certainly not so old that she’d be the grandma.

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And inquiries into the conception

A lot of people feel entitled to information about the conception. Did she have to try for a long time? Were fertility treatments needed? Did she use a surrogate? It’s amazing people think they can ask such personal questions.

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Your peers are not your peers

My friend does feel a bit disconnected from her friends her age right now. There just aren’t many who also have toddlers. She feels that, within her friend group, her experience is quite unique just to her.

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You need a nanny for Disneyland

She just had a hunch that she should bring the nanny to Disneyland and boy was she glad she did. The nanny ran around to the rides, stood in line with the kids, and my friend just waited at nearby cafes enjoying cool beverages.

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People think the nanny is the mom

People often mistake the nanny for the mom, since she’s in her early twenties. It makes her a little resentful of the nanny, but she tries to resist those feelings.

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Looking lost on campus

When she goes to her child’s school, a K through 12 campus, people ask if she’s lost wandering into the classrooms for tots. They assume she must be the parent of a child in fifth or sixth grade.

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You relive childhood, when you need it most

She does say that having a toddler brought a new liveliness and youthfulness to her life, just when she needed it most. She gets to experience childhood, through her kid, again. She didn’t really need that when she was 28. She was still a kid herself then!

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In fact, it’s rejuvenating

While she always thought that, in her forties, she’d be mostly concerned with getting older and looking older, my friend is happy to find that her main concerns are about raising her child.

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Yes, you’re a bit more tired

She admits that she can see how doing this 10 years ago may have had its benefits. She gets pretty wiped out from keeping her toddler entertained all day and chasing him around. But, that’s a small price to pay for doing things on her timeline.