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As much as we love our parents, they can have traits that we’re glad not to inherit. In fact, forming our own identity is often a combination of picking and choosing which of our parents values and beliefs we take with us, and which ones we leave behind. As you’re reading this, you can probably think of a few ways your parents behave that you hope to never replicate, and some characteristics that you find quite admirable. So, if you know that to be true, then perhaps it’s less of a surprise that, sometimes, the most progressive, feminist, respectful man can come from a father who is…not. That happened to a good friend of mine. She went to meet her long-term boyfriend’s family, so excited to finally get to know the humans who created the love of her life, and she found that his father has some, let’s just say, antiquated views on women. He’s since become her father-in-law, and she’s really struggled with that relationship because of his views. But she wants to get along with him, since the in-law relationship can be a good one. Here are some realities of having a misogynist father-in-law.
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He gently sent her to the kitchen
When she first got to her soon-to-be in-law’s place, my friend sat down in the living room with her boyfriend, his dad, and brother, thinking they’d all shoot a breeze for a minute. Her boyfriend’s dad, however, clearly just wanted to talk to the boys. He entertained her brief comments, but looked confused by them, before eventually saying, “Why don’t you go help the girls out in the kitchen.”
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And suggested shopping as an activity
The suggested “activities” for the weekend were, first of all, split up into groups of men and women, and the ones for the women were quite offensive. My friend’s boyfriend’s dad suggested the women go shopping or to a pumpkin patch to grab some things to decorate the home for dinner. The men were going boating.
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He assumes she won’t work as a mom
The father-in-law often makes comments in which he assumes that when my friend and her partner have kids, that my friend will quit work. When she touches on the possibility of going back to work, he looks confused and disgusted. He even sort of blows off the suggestion, waving it off with his hand like it’s an annoying fly.
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He was suspicious of her marital status
For a long time, her father-in-law was suspicious of the fact that my friend was “still unmarried at 30” (his words) when he met her. He’d even say things like, “Well thank goodness that’s all over now” as if it was just an abomination to be a single woman that age. These comments are never directly insulting, which makes them even tougher to address.
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She felt like she couldn’t curse
Her father-in-law won’t curse “in front of the ladies” and asks other men not to do so. So suddenly my friend feels she generally has to tone down her personality and not crack the types of jokes she normally would. She finds herself pretending to be innocent and naïve.
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He thought she was “argumentative”
My friend and her partner have a very communicative relationship. If she doesn’t agree with something her partner says, she says so—she questions and challenges him. When her father-in-law witnesses this, he says something to the extent of it being rude that she does that.
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He commented on her drinking
My friend likes to get a little loose. She doesn’t get drunk at family events, but she likes to drink as much as the men…and that was a problem. Her father-in-law (who was, like, three scotches deep) made a comment to her boyfriend about her hitting the bottle hard when she reached for a third glass of wine.
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And her appearance
According to my friend’s father-in-law, “Women should wear dresses to church.” He was actually very concerned about the fact that she’d opted for pants—business formal pants, for the record—and a top instead. He took his son aside and told him he was very concerned about how the community would perceive that and that it could come off as disrespectful. Dear lord.
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The splitting of chores surprised him
Somehow in passing, the fact that my friend and her partner split up chores came up in conversation. “You cook and do laundry?” her father-in-law said to his son, “How progressive of you” he said with a clearly mocking tone. Then he added that his wife loved him enough not to make him do those things.
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He mistrusts her male “friends”
My friend has a lot of male friends, a fact that has always disturbed her father-in-law. “I have sisters. I have a mom. And I have a wife. Those are all the women I need in my life” he says (implying there’s something sinister at play in her male friendships).
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She had to bite her tongue at first
At first, it was very hard for my friend to bite her tongue. She naturally wanted to lecture her father-in-law on feminism and why his ideas are all wrong. That’s what she would do with any other man. But she had to pump the breaks because…
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Remembering her partner had for her family
She recalled all of the times that her partner bit his tongue around the crazy and sometimes insulting things her family can say. If he would do it for her, she should do it for him.
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She’s trying to slowly change his mind
Over the years, after gaining his trust and love, my friend has tried to slowly change her father-in-law’s ideas. She’s made tiny inroads, like enjoying her crass sense of humor and accepting that she hates shopping as a hobby and letting her go boating.
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She’s tried emboldening her mother-in-law
She tried emboldening her mother-in-law by giving her some books on feminism, and suggesting she make her husband cook and clean sometimes.
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That was a mistake
She learned she’d crossed the line. She caused a big fight between her in-laws. Her boyfriend just had to tell her, “Hey, they’ve had their system down for years. It’s not the way we’d do things, but it seems to work for them. Plus, they’re almost 80—let them be.”
