How Sexual Predators Disguise Themselves As Allies

Source: Mlenny / Getty

Sometimes when we hear of sexual assault allegations against a man, we all say, “Yup. I saw that coming.” The guy just had a reputation for saying inappropriate things to women, making women uncomfortable, and generally pushing the limits of acceptable behavior. But sometimes, we hear of a man who has crossed the line, and we all gasp. “Him?” we ask, “I never thought he’d do that.” Well, some predators rely on the fact that we’d never suspect them—we’d never be wary of them or be overly cautious around them—to do what they do. It’s terrifying and disgusting, but some men disguise themselves as allies in order to gain our trust, get into our good graces, and eventually put themselves in a situation alone with us where they can make an attempt. Now that you think of it, you probably know some men who you could see doing this. Here are ways sexual predators disguise themselves as allies.

Source: mapodile / Getty

Withholding attention to be “respectful”

I’m very much onto these guys, now. I’ll meet a group of men, and I’ve almost come to trust the ones who are a little openly flirty with me out the gates more than the one who stands back quietly, barely saying a word. I’ve encountered a lot of men who pretend to be “respectful” by giving me space and not paying attention to me the way other men do, only to then send me a creepy message later, thinking I wanted their attention all along. It’s a form of withholding attention, hoping that women will then want it and welcome a gross message.

SEE ALSO

Source: Nikada / Getty

Whistleblowing on other predators

I appreciate men who warn women of predators in the community, but some make such a show of it that it really feels they’re doing this more to virtue-signal to themselves rather than actually care for the safety of women. They whistle blow all of the time, and try to grow camaraderie aka a sense of trust with women by talking about how gross those men are. Then they try to do the same thing themselves.

SEE ALSO

Source: EmirMemedovski / Getty

Bad mouthing another man’s behavior

I no longer trust men who try to entertain me by talking about how stupid the guy chugging beer across the bar is or how “immature” or “brutish” other men are. Honestly, those guys are just having a good time. This snake in my ear is trying to get into my subconscious and say I’m the good one you should sleep with.

SEE ALSO

Source: kali9 / Getty

Posing as a protector

Unfortunately, several men in my own community who asserted themselves as protectors of women—the first ones to say “Hey, is this guy bothering you”—have been revealed to be predators. They apparently felt that since they “saved” a woman from one guy, they were entitled to having sex with her.

SEE ALSO

Source: pixelfit / Getty

Making introductions

More than one man in my industry has been very generous with introductions for me, helping me shake the hands of powerful people who could certainly help me, only to then try and sleep with me. I thought it seemed too good to be true that they were introducing me to people so high up, and it was. They just wanted me to “be grateful” later—if you catch my drift.

SEE ALSO

Source: skynesher / Getty

Providing opportunity

Some men also get into women’s good graces by hiring a lot of women, and generally being known as someone who provides opportunities for women. They surround themselves with lots of women who then feel ingratiated towards them, and who they get to do things like travel to out-of-town conventions at hotels with. They try to gage which ones they can then prey on.

SEE ALSO

Source: Westend61 / Getty

Offering to mentor

One man in my community who has always been seen as a mentor to many women has recently been revealed as a sexual predator. One woman finally filed a police report against him and then three others come out with a similar story. All along, he pretended he just wanted to “share his wisdom” and “help women succeed.” He was using his resources to try and barter for sex, and when the barter didn’t go smoothly, he became aggressive.

SEE ALSO

Source: ljubaphoto / Getty

Being “one of the gals”

That “mentor” figure in my community also always pretended to be one of the gals. He wanted to join in on wine night. He wanted to go dancing at gay clubs with the gals. He did everything he could to pretend he had no sexual intentions, so that put him in a position of doing things like…being present at adult slumber parties, where he could make his move.

SEE ALSO

Source: MEDITERRANEAN / Getty

Being vocal on social media

Any time I see a man who is very vocal on social media about male predators and how men should or shouldn’t behave, the hairs go up on the back of my neck. I’ve known a few such men who were then exposed as predators themselves.

SEE ALSO

Source: JodiJacobson / Getty

Keeping an oblivious girlfriend

“Him? But he has a girlfriend!” is what women have said of several men who sexually assaulted women or crossed the line in some way. Yes, well, a lot of these predators will, unfortunately, find a woman with low self-esteem who is so happy for the attention that she’ll turn a blind eye to gross behaviors, all the while being a pawn in the man’s plan. Women trust him because he has a girlfriend.

SEE ALSO

Source: adamkaz / Getty

Lending a listening ear

It’s disgusting, but it’s happened to me many times: men who offered to lend an ear or be a shoulder to cry on after I’d gone through a breakup, or had something tough happen in my career. And then…they tried to sleep with me. And then they got angry and aggressive when I wasn’t into it, feeling I owed them something. These are incidents I look back on differently since the #MeToo movement.

SEE ALSO

Source: PeopleImages / Getty

Building a case with your exes

A few of my male “friends” or at least colleagues listened to me talk about and observed the men I dated over the years. Then, would eventually come onto me—quite strongly—with the argument, “I’m better than all those other guys you’ve dated.” Well, by being aggressive and using the things I’ve shared with them as fodder, they are not.

SEE ALSO

Source: gilaxia / Getty

Having tons of female friends

Sadly, sometimes the guy who everyone thought was their great guy friend is revealed to be a sexual predator. It’s another way some predators make women feel safe around them: they have tons of female friends. Then other women see this, and think, “This guys is safe for me to walk home with.”

SEE ALSO

Source: FS Productions / Getty

Promoting impressive women

Social media is used as a deceitful weapon again. I’ve known several men who are constantly promoting women online, sharing posts about the businesses, books, plays, and other accomplishments of women. And then—you guessed it—assaulted women. They had a, “Hey I helped your business so you should sleep with me” mindset.

SEE ALSO

Source: filadendron / Getty

Leaving their sexuality ambiguous

If you can’t quite figure out what a guy’s sexuality is, but he loves to hang with the gals, go on the girls’ trips, and have long, meaningful conversations with you during which he touches you in a perhaps intimate matter, he may be a predator. I’ve had two men who clearly pretended to be gay in order to get close to me.

SEE ALSO