10 Black Men Discuss Red Flags That Turn Them Off When Dating You

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Angry African American couple arguing in the living room.

Source: skynesher / Getty

The ‘getting to know you’ phase when dating can be an exciting time when you first meet someone. I like to think about the exploration of a potential partner as a book that I get to study page by page, chapter by chapter. First impressions reveal a snapshot of a person, but as we all know, people are complex.

Thus, it is so important to be mindful of the initial impressions and warning signs that reveal themselves during the beginning stages. I profiled ten men on the different red flags they look for when dating, and this what they had to share.

Khalil Haywood|30|@damnitpops

For me, one of my big red flags is watching how someone speculates how I feel versus asking how I feel about something. I think it says a lot about someone in how they approach that kind of situation. Some women may have a propensity for doing the most, when the most isn’t necessary. Another red flag for me is when someone isn’t family oriented. I’m very much family oriented, and I’d need to be with someone who is comfortable enough and excited to do family things.

Source: Various / Provided by subjects

Sean Aaron |32|@caniba

To me the biggest red flags are when a woman admits to being an anti-feminist, says anything along the lines of “people are just too sensitive these days.” Additionally, if she is generally rude or dismissive of the bartender or waitstaff. In my opinion, they’re all deal-breakers and they all reveal a person who lacks empathy or perspective. I rarely make it past the first drink, let alone the first date with women like that.

Source: Various / Provided by subjects

Joshua Walker|28|@unclewalk

Personally I only have a few red flags that I’d immediately call quits over lack of accountability is one of those things.

I don’t require a flowery apology or a grand gesture, just the willingness to admit when you are wrong. You don’t even need to accept the criticism gracefully,just own it.

I’ve long since established that if you can’t practice probity to my face then I have no reason to believe that you’ll do so at any point. I’ve tested the theory enough not to chance it again.

Matthew Figueroa|28|@matt_figgz

The main red flags I look for are related to how they treat or talk about other people; specifically in regards to empathy. In this age of social media, people are losing that human connection. I need a partner who is mindful of the struggles different types of people experience (due to race, class, gender, etc) and an objective awareness of self. This is a good indicator of the types/depth of conversation we can have (ain’t nothing like that mental attraction), and us being able to communicate our opposing viewpoints in the event of an argument or fight. Are we able to step away from the ego to listen to the other’s point of view, working on understanding vs being right. If I have doubts that I can weather the storm with you, then how could we build anything worthwhile?

Source: Various / Provided by subjects

Jamar Tillary|29|@downtubusiness

When dating, there are a few specific red flags we should look for. 1. If she says “ I’ll text you when to call” or “I’ll call you”… don’t trust her, she’s probably with her other dude. 2. She not putting out. If this wasn’t something pre- discussed, don’t trust it. Either she’s playing you or she’s playing you. 3. If you haven’t met her friends or family. This is a tricky one; not everyone is worthy of meeting friends and family. But if you haven’t met at least one person she knows, it’s a red flag.

Source: Wayne Brown / Wayne Brown

Wayne Brown|30|@wanyeanthony

For me a red flag when it comes to dating is the company you keep. The people that a potential partner surrounds themself with and what they value. If the person I’m dating is wishy washy with their friends and changes who she is or what she does based on who she is around it’s a sign for me to run the other way.

Source: Various / Provided by subjects

Joshua Joseph|30|@jxshwa

Some dating red flags are super obvious, like bad communication or disrespect. Some take more time to explore and require a certain level of care, like vulnerability issues or habits developed from past traumas. Others are guaranteed to get you roasted in the group chat, like arguments over who’s paying the bill or someone “coming to you as a [however they identify]”. But as I get older and (at least I’d like to think) wiser, the most important red flag to me is whether or not we can get on the same page about what we’re here for. We’re whole adults now: why do this at all if we’re not aligned on where we’re trying to go and how we want to get there? Maintain (read: continue elevating) your energy and eventually you’ll find a partner who aligns.

Source: Various / Provided by subjects

Darren Brown| 30|@Kiddsaturday

My red flags might be a little unorthodox, but I’m not just looking to see if a woman is going to take everything from me, I’m curious what she has to offer. For example, if I take a woman on a date; the red flag would be if she expects me to buy everything for her. I have no issue paying for her, but the flag is that she expects me to live outside my means to accommodate potentially one night with her. In my opinion, a red flag, isn’t always a bad thing about someone, it’s just something you’re not willing to tolerate. Some guys love spending money on women; not me. But if I saw that same woman places an order, then start rummaging through her bag for her money; step aside Queen-it’s on me.

Source: Various / Provided by subjects

Daniel Martinez|29|@chippyhendrix

Religion is a huge red flag for me because I simply cannot date someone who has 0 beliefs. I cannot date a non-believer of a higher power. It doesn’t have to be God to be exact but to just live so passively as if you determine your own destiny is a no go. Another red flag would be the inability to take a break, relax and enjoy life for what it is. Someone who has zero time to enjoy themselves is a no go for me. We only live one life. Finally, my last red flag would be humor. Lacking a sense of humor is cancelling the hell out of everything!

Source: Various / Provided by subjects

Ahkiel White| 30 | IG @ahkielwhite|

For me the level and depth of consistency remains the core warning sign for a waning relationship, the development of one, or lack thereof. However, this is layered. Is there a comfortable pacing and frequency in interaction? Is there an evolution in communication methods? As in, we sparked this via DM, moved to text, we now chat it up on FT, and link for dates? But most importantly is the discourse of substance? Meaning, are you allowing yourself to be vulnerable, truly seen, and open with your incumbent shorty and vice versa? The goal of intentionally dating ought to be a relationship, one exercising substantive dialogue inclusive of open and vulnerable dives into the wounds of yesterday and dreams of tomorrow. I try to lean on discernment within this courting phase as signals are loud and clear from an interested party but equally as loud from a disinterested one. So a lack of consistency in message, presentation, and growth in vulnerability comprises the sirens I believe to be most prevalent while dating today.