10 Red Flags I Missed In My Last Relationship
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I pride myself on being pretty wise when it comes to relationships. As a frequent reader of psychological journals, a student of multiple love gurus, a detailed observer, and a spiritually discerning person, I thought getting “caught up” was beyond me. I believed that once I mastered a place of wholeness and self-love, that I would automatically be able to scan a potential love interest for red flags and make smart decisions based on what I saw. I convinced myself that the “next guy” I dated wouldn’t have the emotional hang-ups, shortcomings and commitment issues of the lovers of my past. I entered my latest relationship feeling pretty invincible, and that was my downfall. As they say, “love is blind.” And as I was drawn deeper and deeper into love with my ex through his charming smile, kind demeanor and warm spirit, I let my armor down only to be left defenseless and fooled. I hope this series of red flags serves as a reminder that there is no maturity level, spiritual growth or psychological awareness that leaves you exempt to matters of the heart. But the goal, with every relationship, is to collect more data so we can all more quickly figure out if the person before us is the best match for our mind, body and soul.
Here are some blaring signs I missed along the way that showed me early on my ex was not “the one.”
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“I’m An Entrepreneur”
Take this one with a grain of salt, because for many folks, being an entrepreneur is a legitimate way of life. Real entreprenuers have profitable businesses or profitable ideas that are helping to substantiate their livelihood. My ex’s career path was shaky, to say the least. I never really understood how he made his money, but he had a lot of it (at times)—and a lot of LLCs too. I know for me personally, having a partner who has dependable, understandable income is important for not only my personal taste, but for the relationship. A lot of men tie their finances to their ability to be a good partner in a relationship–so when a man isn’t confident in his provider abilities, taking care of you emotionally and physically goes out the window. So when money was good, my ex was good. But when it wasn’t, his ability to be good to me plummeted. Money is too fickle of a thing to depend your relational health on, but he never managed to be able to “grind” and “love me” simultaneously. In the beginning, I was hesitant around the idea he wasn’t a “bi-weekly check” having man, but in retrospect, that isn’t something I can compromise on in the future.
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Beefing Prematurely With My Family
Now, I’m someone who presents my partner to my family like, “Look, this is who I’m choosing. Get to know him.” I’m not demanding or yearning for their approval, but I do ask my family to be a part of this man’s life because I love him. Now, merging families is difficult work–but when my ex refused to try to get to know my sister after she initially did not like him, I was turned off. Most people would at least give the relationship with a potential, difficult sister-in-law a couple of tries, but he had no fight in him to even attempt to win her over, which caused me to be completely torn and heartbroken.
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I Confused Narcissism For Confidence
Listen here: Confidence does not have to be loud. My ex was always glorifying his achievements and gloating about how amazing he was in his craft to anyone and everyone. The most talented people I know show it, they don’t need to say it.
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Gave Me The Keys To His Apartment Within Weeks
Beware of “fast forwarding.” Fast forwarding happens when a man adorns you with so much love and commitment early on so that you are so blinded by his charm that you miss the red flags. When he gave me the keys, I was a bit confused, but I also felt honored that he trusted me so soon. I thought that meant he saw me as special. But that’s not (always) true. In general, committed moves should match commitment level.
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They Say A Lot, That Means Nothing
Look out for the slick talkers who use sweeping generalizations and are never very specific with their words. If you sit back and listen to your man talk to people and think to yourself, “Wow, he talks a lot,” he’s probably spewing out word salad to cover up how insecure he really feels in the interaction. I learned this with my ex.
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He Used To Flirt With Women Online
When we first started dating he would over-compliment random women on Instagram all the time. When I told him it made me uncomfortable, he said, “It means nothing ,” adding, “You’re taking Instagram too seriously.” I told him if it meant nothing, he should be able to easily stop. We argued continually over it, and he eventually stopped, but his resistance to ceasing the behavior led me to believe he needed this validation from random women to keep himself going.
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Didn’t Give Me A Birthday Present
“I just don’t give gifts,” he told me as I cried on a street corner on my damn birthday. He didn’t even attempt to make it up by buying me a later “I was a jerk” card and flowers. Look, love languages are real. If you express to your partner what you need to feel loved, and they make the task seem too difficult or too outrageous, they aren’t a good match for you.
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Overly Critical Of My Career
Sadly, there are just some men who can’t stand to have their woman shine. I was doing pretty well in my career and feeling confident when suddenly he started demanding that I “boss up” more, because that’s what he’s attracted to. The way he addressed me and inadvertently dismissed the accomplishments I had earned was hurtful beyond words–but in retrospect, I feel he was harsh towards me because he was hard on himself. Don’t let a man who hasn’t tangibly achieved his goals be critical of yours.
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I Didn’t Like How He Spoke To His Clients
As prophet Jay-Z said once, “I am a hustler baby, I’ll sell water to a well.” I remember once listening to my ex talk to other people he did business with, and I was taken aback. He explained that he didn’t have simple things, like a website, because “real men found him because his name carried cred in the streets.” Be weary of anyone who doesn’t have basic business foundations and justifies not having them with, well, bulls*t. It made me understand that if he could manipulate people into giving him money despite his shaky business acumen, talking me into giving him love was cake.
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