Why I Get Angry When People Pressure Me To Have Kids

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I’m starting to have a hard time putting on a fake smile when people say, “You should have children!” Sorry, it’s usually more of a whiney, drawn-out chiildreeeennnnnnn! You know, because children are so important that the word must take eight seconds to pronounce. I know they don’t mean to stir things up. I know it’s just a knee-jerk thing people say when they learn a woman is A) in her thirties and B) in a committed relationship. But they say it the same way one would say, “You should try my Pilates class!” or “You should see this movie!” So casually. So flippantly. As if I’m to say, “Oh okay. I’ll give it a try, all because you, right here, out of nowhere, said I should.” I just can’t grin and bear it anymore. In fact, these same people are lucky I don’t say, “I’m actually probably happier than you, since I don’t have kids. Statistically speaking.” Here is why I get so angry when people tell me to have kids.

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I’ll be the one paying for the child

How is anyone to tell me that I should take on a, oh, you know, roughly $100,000 expense? How can one even possibly calculate that expense but, if you think of it all from basic supplies for keeping the child alive, to education, to recreational activities, to every single extra plane ticket, to child care, to helping them with rent if they can’t do that alone when they’re older…it’s a lot. I would never casually suggest someone take on such an expense.

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I’ll be the one providing 24/7 care

It would also be me (and my partner) overseeing the safety and wellbeing of this child, 24/7 forever. Let’s be real, we never stop parenting our offspring. So unless those who urge me to have kids would like to provide free childcare to me, they should really watch their words. I will drop a baby off on their doorstep if they aren’t careful. “Here’s the baby you told me to have! I’ll be back in eight hours!”

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Are my other aspirations nothing?

I also get frustrated because, often, the people who say this to me will completely derail our conversation with the comment. I will be talking about my career and other aspirations and they’ll just cut me off to say, “So, what about kids?” As if my other goals mean nothing.

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It’s outdated and passé

It’s just a little passé to talk about having kids like it’s the end all, be all to life. There are so many other things to even just talk about at a dinner party. Are we really just going to talk about procreation? Our cavemen ancestors could have spoken about that. What about culture? What about technology?

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What if I don’t have them?

The other awkward thing at play is this: if I don’t have kids, then these friends or family members have made it very clear that they’d be disappointed. So, now I just get to know that. And they know I know it.

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Not everyone is meant to have kids

Not every person on this planet is meant to have children. We probably all know several parents who should not have had kids. Not everybody possesses the endless patience and fortitude to raise kids. It’s naïve and even irresponsible to assume everyone would be good parents.

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And not everyone knows me, really

Often, those who urge me to have kids don’t really know me. The only people who should be giving any input on whether or not I would make a good mom are my best, best friend and my partner. Not my family friend I see twice a year. Not my coworker who I really only hang with at work happy hours. They only see a sliver of my personality and yet, many of them urge me to have kids.

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Being nurturing doesn’t mean I must have kids

One big reason people say I should have kids is that I’m nurturing. And it’s true. I like to take care of people and animals. If am also very organized (which is a great trait for moms) and can lead people well. But, I find it disrespectful and odd that people would say, “Well, the best thing you can do with those traits is to have kids.” So, because I am giving and nurturing, I should make a baby who will literally drain me of every last drop of care and energy I have to give? Can’t I save that for myself? Or something else?

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I can be caring in other ways

There are a lot of other ways I can be nurturing. I can volunteer at animal shelters. I can help my friends with kids. I can be a pillar of strength for my friends, helping them in their times of need. Yeah, I’m caring, but my capacity for caring is tied up in a lot of things right now. It’s not just sitting there, waiting for a baby.

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There really are a lot of people…

I know we’ve all heard the excuse: the world is over-populated, so we shouldn’t make more babies. But…it’s true! I understand people will and should still have kids. But, the baby pushers—those who are out there on some crusade to make sure all young happy couples have kids—are actually being irresponsible to our planet.

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So, maybe be grateful if I don’t have kids

If anything, people should be grateful to me that I’m not having kids. I should be thanked for my service—I will not be contributing to our overpopulation issue (or the issue of screaming toddlers in restaurants that nobody seems to be supervising—what’s going on there?)

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What’s so wrong with living for oneself?

What’s so wrong with living for oneself? What’s so wrong with wanting to put all of my skills and resources into my own personal aspirations rather than somebody else? Oh, is it that I’m a woman and women are meant to make babies? Nobody gets angry at men if they decide to dedicate their lives—their intelligence and energy—to career pursuits.

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It’s better I know that, and don’t have kids

Isn’t it a great thing that I know I want to be selfish and so, as such, I don’t have kids? Shouldn’t I be applauded for not being one of the many, many people who are selfish and have kids anyways? And just make bad parents? That’s truly the most selfish thing. As for me, there is no kid here right now so, there’s nobody to be selfish towards.

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That’s a major decision

It’s just such a major decision that it shocks me that any outsider would feel entitled to commenting on it. Having a child means completely altering your life. It’s a personal choice. It’s a permanent choice. It’s rather rude that strangers I meet for an hour at a dinner party think they have the right to tell me to have kids.

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Thanks for making my drive home weird

Also, to anyone who says this to me while I’m with my partner, thanks for making our drive home weird. Then we have to have the why we aren’t having kids talk again. And we definitely aren’t having sex that night.