My Parents Judge My Partner’s Career: Here’s How It Affects Us
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My parents wish that I were just with some finance dude. They’ve made it very clear. They think they’re subtle about it but, really, they’ve said things like, “You know, our friend’s son who works in finance just became single. You two should grab a drink.” Hi, hello, is anybody in there I have a live-in boyfriend. I’ve been with my man for over six years. We adopted a dog together. He’s the beneficiary on my life insurance policy. I’m rather taken. Why the hell would I be going and grabbing drinks with their friend’s single son? “Just to make a friend!” they say. Mhmmm. Sure. But it’s not just the attempted setups with other men: their questions and comments to my partner about his career are rude and judgmental. They’ll truly say things like, “Seems like this is a lot of work and hasn’t really gotten you anywhere. Is there a plan B?” Naturally, this affects my relationship with my partner, his relationship with my parents, and my relationship with my parents.
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He asks me to keep a lot of secrets
Any time I tell my partner I’m going to talk to my parents on the phone, he gives me a list of things I’m not to mention to them. He doesn’t want them nitpicking at what he’s doing. He doesn’t want them putting their judgmental fingers into his work. Phone calls with them are like a maze of making sharp, dizzying turns to avoid talking about my partner’s career.
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Even the good news is a secret
He doesn’t even want me telling my parents his good news, and I don’t blame him. The way they respond belittles it. If he gets a lot of money for a job, they tend to bring up how he could have asked for more money. If something that I know is a big deal happens for him, they don’t quite get it, and say, “Oh. That’s nice. So, did you catch Letterman last night?”
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But especially the bad news
I’m definitely not allowed to share any bad news pertaining to my partner’s career. If something bad happens, like he loses a client, we have to have a game plan on how we’re going to talk about this change. We will use very calculated language to make it all sound like something different. It would be nice if we felt we could tell them bad news and just get comfort and support, but we know we can’t. We know the “I told you so’s” will be on their way—not the, “You’ll get ‘em next time.”
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It makes him hesitant about marriage
I know that not having my parent’s approval of his career path has made my partner hesitant about marriage. How could it not? Nobody wants to feel like their partner’s parents prefer she were marrying somebody else. Even though they think he’s a great man, they’ve just made it so clear that they don’t like what he does for a living—that they fear he can’t provide for me. How is he to ask those individuals for my hand in marriage?
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He judges them back
Look, if you’re going to dole out judgment, you’d better be ready to take it. My mom has never financially provided for herself. She had a rich father, then a rich husband. So, to be clear, her current husband is not my real father, but my stepfather. It’s my real dad who has the money. My stepfather does not work, and they live off of my mother’s alimony from my real dad. My partner isn’t usually judgmental, but it’s hard for him to take career grief from two people who do not even work.
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And I do, too
I judge them more now, too. And I don’t like it. But, the reality is, how could they lack self-awareness so heavily to nitpick at the hard work my partner does when they don’t have to work, at all?
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He dreads visiting them
Unfortunately, there’s nothing fun and exciting about my saying, “My parents invited us up for a visit.” My partner doesn’t want to go. That isn’t a relaxing weekend of fun in the sun. That is a weekend of dodging questions and judgment about his career all weekend.
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So he actually sits many visits out
My partner sits a lot of visits out to my family, not because he’s busy, but because he’d just rather not deal with the interrogation about his career all weekend. I can’t blame him. He works hard, and his rare and precious time off shouldn’t be spent feeling judged.
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We plan conversations to the T
When we are going to visit my parents, we plan conversations to a T. We have planned the topics we will discuss, and how we will navigate certain topics if they come up. But there’s nothing easy, breezy or spontaneous about our conversations with my parents.
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We have lots of escape routes
We also plan our escape routes. If my parents ask about my partner’s five-year plan or how much money he’s making, we know how we’ll change the subject and divert their attention.
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He leaves their house to work at a coffee shop
My partner works freelance, so he has to work when we travel. Though my parents have a big house with free Wi-Fi, my partner leaves and works at a coffee shop. The last thing he needs is people who judge his career looking over his shoulder while he works, or those same people listening in on his work calls.
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It makes me resentful of them
I wish I could just bring my partner up to my family’s home for a fun, relaxing visit. I wish their home could be a home away from home for us where we feel we can let our hair down and let down our guards. But it isn’t, and it’s my family’s fault. So, yes, I resent them a bit.
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It also makes me resentful of him
I also wind up resenting my partner a little bit. It’s not like I don’t tolerate certain people in his life, in order to make him happy. I want him along for all of the visits to my family. It’s a part of feeling close.
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I’ve tried to tell them: they get defensive
I have tried talking to my parents about this—in case you’re wondering. They just become defensive and say things like, “What? We aren’t allowed to ask about your lives? We aren’t allowed to give our opinions? Maybe your partner shouldn’t work in his industry if he can’t handle a little discussion about it.” See. Very productive.
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I’ve tried to tell him: he, too, gets defensive
I’ve also tried to ask my partner to just be the bigger man, and tolerate my family’s line of questioning. If they can’t behave better, maybe he can just…smile and bear it? But, I also know that’s unfair of me to ask of him. Which he points out.
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