How Setting Up Friends Can Backfire

setting up friends on a blind date

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It can be so tempting to set friends up. If you love two people, then they must love each other, right? If they both love you then they must enjoy many of the same character traits and hobbies. What could possibly go wrong? And everyone wants that credit of setting up a couple that works out. You have dreams of giving that toast at their wedding, “Hi. I made this happen.” Well, you’d be a bit more humble than that. In actuality, that toast is probably never happening because that wedding is probably never happening because, in my experience, setting up friends usually doesn’t go well. The closer the friends are to you, the worse the aftermath is. It’s nice that you want to hook up your friends but, if for a second, you think about it selfishly, you may realize how setting up two friends can backfire for you.

They may find the setup insulting

There’s nothing like a setup that shows people how others perceive them. If you set up one friend with someone who she thinks is far less attractive than she is, she could be insulted. Or, if he’s not conventionally successful, your other friend may think you don’t think she’s successful. You were trying to do a good deed, and now you have a friend who is offended.

Now they think you see them that way

Now that friend, forever, thinks you see her that way. When you tell her she looks gorgeous she’ll think (or say) don’t lie to me you set me up with a troll last month!

Another friend wanted that setup

The funny thing about trying to set two people up is this: others may come out of the woodwork. What I mean is that while you set up two friends, another may come out upset with you because he’s been secretly pining after the person you just set up with somebody else.

If only one is into it…

So what happens when one person thinks the date went really well—just one? That person wants a second date. That person wants the report. What did your friend think of him? Now you put him in a position to get his hopes up…and they’re about to be shattered.

You just set someone up for heartache

We all know how tough dating is. Every date holds the potential for great disappointment. If one friend in this setup is rejected and hurt, he’ll associate you with that pain.

You may need to break the news

It may be up to you to tell your one friend that your other friend doesn’t want to see him again. And you can’t even turn down this assignment. You put both of them in this situation in the first place. So you may have to sit down, look your friend who you love in the face and say, “My other friend isn’t interested in you. Sorry.” And he may demand to know why.

Now they won’t hang as friends

So say your friends date for a bit, then things go sour. The breakup is not good. Now you can’t invite both of them to your dinner parties and birthday parties. You just accidentally made your social life more complicated.

**They question your taste in friends**

Oh, and if your one friend really doesn’t like the other, she’ll start questioning your taste in humans entirely. If she thought her date was a jerk she’ll wonder how you can befriend someone like that.

You never know how someone is in relationships

Look: just because you think someone is a great friend, you never know what someone is like in relationships. You can think someone is a total doll, and learn that he’s emotionally abusive to his romantic partners. Keep in mind that men can treat their female friends very differently than they treat their romantic partners.

You only get one chance

If you do one setup that goes badly, that’s it. You blew it. You won’t get to set those friends up ever again—they don’t trust you. You may not even be able to set up other friends because they heard about this disaster.

They might just talk about you

These two friends may just wind up talking about you. Maybe you once said something about each of them—something unflattering—and they tell each other. Or maybe they start complaining to each other about your flaws. You just created a little army against you on accident.

**They could get serious before ending things**

Let’s not forget that they might date for a bit. Plenty of people get into relationships for a month or two before ending things. But that’s even worse than them just calling it quits after one date. Now your two good friends are straight up exes.

Now there’s a rift in the friend group

So now there is a rift in the friend group. Your entire friend group has to walk on eggshells, and be careful about who they put on party guest lists because of this breakup. And you caused that—technically.

While they’re together, they don’t hang with you

Now, when the couple is still together, you just lost two friends. Yes, you did. You know how a new couple can be. They just hole up together, seeing nobody for months. Those are two friends who won’t be available for a while. If you do hang with them, you’ve made yourself a third wheel.

If you want to set people up, be subtle

Look, if you really think that two of your friends are perfect for each other, just get them around each other and they’ll find their way to each other. You don’t need to host a full-on matchmaking event. Don’t ever be the pushing hand in the matter though. If it doesn’t go well, it will always be your fault.

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