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Dating a man who has never had a serious relationship prior to yours seems like a nice idea. He has a clean slate. There won’t be any jealous exes sliding into your DMs with nasty messages or sliding into his DMs trying to get him back. You won’t have to worry about running into other women he’s dated around town. You don’t even need to worry about any serious baggage he may have—he’s never been cheated on by a serious partner or had to end things with someone he lived with/shared a pet with/shared a life with. He’s like an empty canvas. Sounds kind of nice, right? Not so fast. While men who have a past have a lot of baggage, they make up for it in knowledge and experience. I often catch my boyfriend handling things in our relationship expertly well, and I realize, “Oh. He learned that from a previous girlfriend.” And, I thank that woman! I’m glad he learned on her watch and not on mine. Here are reasons you don’t want to be his first serious girlfriend.
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Why is this man so old with no history?
First of all, you have to ask yourself, if this man is in his mid thirties or older and has never dated someone for more than a few months…what’s up? I can’t help but think that’s some sort of red flag. Commitment issues perhaps? Fear of intimacy? Does he bail the moment things get tough?
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He’ll suck at time management
Learning how to manage your time wisely while coordinating two schedules is a special skill one only learns through being in a long-term relationship. This man will be messing up his schedule, running late to things he’s supposed to do with you, or forgetting them entirely, all of the time.
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And at making you a priority
There is a difference between feeling that someone is important to you and showing that person that she’s important to you. Men who have been in long-term relationships know the difference, and they know that it takes work and compromise to make a woman feel like a priority. This man won’t know how to do this yet. He’ll make dumb mistakes like invite his boys over for what was meant to be your Netflix and chill alone night, not realizing why that’s a problem.
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He’ll still be rather selfish
He won’t know about compromise yet. He’s used to having things his way. He’ll be pushy when it comes to choosing a restaurant or whose friends you hang out with. He hasn’t yet learned that being together is more important than doing what he wants.
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And bad at communicating
He won’t be great at communicating, either. It’ll probably be rather clunky. He either won’t speak up and express himself at all, going quiet and cold on you, or he’ll say a bunch of mean things he didn’t really want to say because he can’t choose his words carefully yet.
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He has no filter
Speaking of not choosing his words carefully, he has no filter. People in committed relationships know that, while it’s important to be able to talk to your partner about anything, some things are better left unsaid. This man doesn’t know that and will tell you thoughts you wish you hadn’t heard.
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So, he’ll tell you about exes
Some of the things that will slip out (since he has no filter) are a tremendous amount of stories about women of the past. Sure, he has no serious exes but there are other women he dated casually and slept with. And he’ll just talk to you about those, as if you’re his bro. He’ll have no finesse when it comes to talking about exes.
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He won’t edit his responses
Whether it’s “How do I look in these pants?” to “How do you like my cooking?” he’ll be blatantly honest. He doesn’t realize yet that sparing someone’s feelings is more important than being honest sometimes.
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He’ll pick every fight
Only after a couple of relationships do you learn that not every fight is worth picking. So this guy will just pick them all. If he doesn’t like something or something bumps him, he’ll bring it up. Even if it’s really not worth ruining the night over.
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And he won’t let things go
He also doesn’t understand that the most important thing is getting along again—rather than proving that he’s right. He’ll just be on the path of proving his point, even if it means this fight goes on needlessly and forever.
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He sees sex as a sprint
He isn’t familiar with this little dynamic that arises: your sex life will wane. He’s only dated women for a short period of time so he thinks that, when you like someone, you just have sex all of the time. It will be a rude awakening to him when you fall from having sex twice a day to once a week. He’ll think something is wrong.
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He doesn’t understand a period
Dudes who haven’t had serious, live-in girlfriends still act like children around the menstrual cycle. They’ll freak out if they see a tampon in the toilet. They won’t have sex with you on your period. When you are PMSing they will say the words, “You’re just emotional because you’re on your period” not knowing you should never say that to a woman.
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He’s not ready to embrace your tribe
Being with a woman means embracing her whole tribe in a real way. Men who are new to relationships can be lazy when it comes to making an effort with your close friends and family. They’re still in the mindset of, “Well those are your friends—not mine.”
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You’re a guinea pig
You’re essentially a guinea pig. He’s experimenting with the role of boyfriend with you. It’s his first day on the job. Have you ever seen someone do a good job at their first day on any job? Think of going to opening night at a restaurant. The tables are lopsided and the soup is cold. This is the opening night of relationships.
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Nobody marries their first serious girlfriend
Sadly, if you’re his first girlfriend, you probably won’t be his last girlfriend. People don’t (or at least they shouldn’t) marry their first serious partner. Sure, sometimes they reconnect with flings of their younger years later, but they need to experience several people in the interim to know what they want.
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