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My entire life, I had this complex about not being codependent. It may have stemmed from the fact that my mom moved here from Europe to marry my dad, knowing absolutely nobody here besides my dad, and then fulfilling his wishes that she not get a job so she’d be home waiting for him/available to have fun whenever he wanted, making it even more impossible for her to meet anyone. Even though she eventually, slowly made her group of friends, I noticed that many of them were also in similar marriages—really only sneaking off to socialize when their partners didn’t demand their attention. I never wanted to be in such a needy relationship like that, and perhaps due to my fear of it, I over-corrected in some of my earlier relationships. I made such a point to be independent that, I didn’t leave my relationships a fighting chance to go anywhere. So, while codependency is bad, are you too independent in your relationships?
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You never cross-check calendars
If someone asks you to do something on a night you know you’re free, and you want to do it, you just say yes. That’s mostly how it should be but you and your partner never cross-reference your calendars, just to make sure that you do reserve some time for each other. Scheduling in a relationship isn’t easy but, you both just fill up your respective calendars and leave it to chance that there’s time for each other in the end. But you don’t make it a priority.
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You spend vacation time with other people
You spend a lot of your vacation time with anyone other than your partner. You go on girls’ trips. You go on family trips. You go on solo trips. Maybe you spend one weekend away with your partner each year out of the five or six trips you take. But, when you’re close to your partner, shouldn’t you want to take the opportunity to spend vacation together?
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You always eat separately
You never even attempt to eat together. I get it—people get busy. Making and eating dinner together every weeknight isn’t realistic. But you two never even ask each other if maybe you should make extra of what you’re cooking, in case the other will be hungry. You never call to say, “I’m picking up food from that spot you like—you want anything?” You just stick to your twice a month dinner/date night together and leave it at that.
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If you can’t agree on plans, you do your own thing
If you can’t find something you both want to do, you just go your separate ways and do your own thing. But, the thing is, that’s what happens most of the time. You’d rather do your own thing, alone, than compromise on the activity so you can be together.
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You never go to bed together
You won’t so much as cut your Netflix binging a little early to go to bed at the same time as your partner. When you wake up in the morning on weekends, you hop up, go for a jog, shower, run errands. It never crosses your mind to wait a minute and scroll through your phone in bed, in case your partner wakes up soon and you can enjoy morning cuddling (or more).
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You’ve even spent many major holidays apart
Speaking of not agreeing on plans, you both have strong opinions on how you should spend the party holidays like New Year’s Eve or The 4th of July. You spend a lot of these separate because you really want to go to the beach and he really wants to go to some rooftop barbecue. You look at photos of these holidays and your partner is noticeably missing from them.
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Friends have given up on double dates
Your couple’s friends have completely stopped trying to plan double dates with the two of you. They know how bad you are at syncing up your schedules, and finding a night when both of you are available just seems impossible.
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You mostly only talk in person
That means you don’t send each other cute texts throughout the day. You don’t email each other funny videos. You don’t call each other on your lunch breaks or when you’re in the car. You think, “I’ll see him tonight. We can talk then.” But connecting throughout the day, even for just a few minutes, is important for your bond.
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You still spend family holidays apart
You’ve been together for more than three years and you still don’t spend family holidays together. You go to your family for Christmas, and he goes to his. That means you aren’t really working towards becoming a family together.
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You aren’t living together and it’s been years
You’ve been together for four, five, six years and…you still live separately. You just talk about how neither of you wants to give up your apartments. Moving is expensive. You like your space. But, are you going to…what…get married and still live separately?
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You handle difficult emotions alone
If something outside of the relationship upsets you—maybe something that happened at work or with a friend—you work out those emotions, on your own, before seeing your partner. You don’t want to “bother” him with those things.
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You’d never choose him over your career
You would never opt out of a career-related event to spend time with your partner. Even if he’s a little down in the dumps, you still wouldn’t sit out that networking happy hour to stay home and comfort him. He says you don’t have to miss the event so, you don’t.
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And you’d never ask him to choose you
Likewise, you’d never ask him to choose you over his work. You want so much for this relationship to not be codependent that you’ll let literally everything but the relationship come first.
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You post no photos together
Your social media presence as a couple is nearly non-existent. You post, maybe, two photos a year together. You do, however, post a lot. It’s just of you and your friends, you at work, you traveling alone, you working out—every part of your life besides your relationship.
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A lot of people think you’re single
People often mistake you for single. Not just random strangers at bars, but coworkers and acquaintances you’ve known for years—like the years you’ve been in a relationship—are shocked to find out you’re with someone. “You just seemed single,” they’ll say.
