Fights You’ll Have When He’s A Morning Person And You’re Not
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I’ve written before about how opposites attracting only works out under specific circumstances. I have this one major opposites-attracting thing going on in my life by which I always seem to be attracted to men who are morning people. I guess I should see it coming. I’m attracted to men who are ambitious and responsible. You know what ambitious, responsible people do? They wake up with the damn sun so they can work towards all of their goals. And while I do admire that, if you’re a night owl like myself, when you wind up living with a morning person, you’re going to bump heads. You may literally bump heads because you can’t turn on even one lamp to get into bed, since he’s already asleep, so you clumsily flop in and bump into him. Here are fights you’ll have if he’s a morning person and you so aren’t.
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Juicing and bean grinding must be done at night
If that man likes to use a juicer to chop up fresh veggies and fruits, or he uses a bean grinder to make extra fresh espresso, he better pray for his life if he does that in the morning. Those appliances shake the entire house! You’ve instructed him to do this at night, before he goes to bed. He said it’s not as fresh that way, but then you made a face that was so terrifying, he conceded.
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If the bathroom is in the bedroom…
If you only have one bathroom and it’s in the bedroom, there is a lot to discuss. No playing music in the shower. No using the electric razor in the morning. The electric toothbrush is to be used over the kitchen sink. And if he doesn’t close the bathroom door so gingerly that even a bat couldn’t hear it, you will lose it. Oh, and toilet flushing is reserved for solids only until you wake up.
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He overloads you with info when you first wake up
When you first get up, he has too much to tell you. He’s been out and about. He wants to tell you who he’s seen, what he’s done, what he bought, what’s happening around town, and what he’s thought about.
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And he asks too many questions
Then it gets worse: he wants you to speak. He has questions for you. What do you want to do today? Do you want some coffee? Did you remember to drop that letter off in the mail yesterday? What do you think about the new foreign policy? Or UGGs for men? Aaah!
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Then he says you’re being grumpy
He tells you that you’re being grumpy because you’re giving him one-word, unenthusiastic responses. You’re like, “Dude I just woke up. I don’t even want to see another human for at least another hour and you’re conducting a CNN interview on me.”
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You feel rushed to join in
He has been waiting for you to wake up for a while so now that you’re up, he wants to start doing things ASAP. Your eyes are barely open and he says, “Do you think you could be ready to be out the door for lunch in 20 minutes?” So much for you getting any sort of morning.
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How does he clank dishes so loudly?
It truly sounds, when you’re trying to sleep at 7am, that your partner is picking up pots and banging them against each other to create a one-man band. He insists he isn’t making that much noise but you’re this close to installing a video camera out there to see just what all the racket is.
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His alarm clock wakes you
If he sets an early morning alarm clock to get up, you don’t like that one bit. You ask him to put it on vibrate, and just sleep on top of it so he feels it but you never hear it. But he does, and then he doesn’t feel it and misses his alarm and gets upset with you.
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It’s always on you to make the bed
Since you’re the last one to get up each day, it’s always on you to make the bed. You don’t quite think that’s fair, but he argues that, he could already be out and about when you wake up, so if you waited for him to make it, the bed would remain unmade all day.
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You’ll argue over weekend plans
You have to negotiate over when weekend plans will begin. You both want to do a beach day. He wants to be on that sand by 10:30 am. You want to sleep until 10:30 am. You compromise: you’ll get up at 10, and you’ll be on the beach by 11. And then…you’re going back to sleep on the beach.
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He does things without you
He grows impatient waiting for you to wake up so by the time you do get up, he’s already done the things you said you’d do together, like go to the Farmer’s Market and take the dog to the park.
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You must get ready for bed too early
Your partner goes to bed hours before you do, but your getting-ready for bed routine wakes him up, so you have to stop what you’re doing—even if you’re in the middle of eating or watching a show—to get ready for bed when he gets ready for bed. He doesn’t want you arranging your pillows and opening drawers in the bedroom once he’s asleep.
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Then you navigate using your phone light
When you do go to bed, you have to find your way in in the dark. You can’t turn on the lights. You’re stuck with your phone light—not the flashlight, because he says that’s too bright, but just the glow of the screen. So, of course, you bump into things and wake him up.
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He falls asleep during date night
He falls asleep during every movie. He gets tired when you’re just getting started at bars. You want to have a night cap and hang out when you get home, but he wants to go straight to bed.
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So you have to have sex at an awkward time
If there’s any chance of sex happening, you have to have sex before he gets sleepy, even if you’re not really in the mood yet. You get undressed, have sex, and re-dress to go back out after he’s gone to bed.
