Things We Say That Make Men Emotionally Close Up - Page 9

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Even though we didn’t do it to them, we didn’t cause it, we didn’t perpetuate it, it might still be the duty of women to soften men who’ve been victims of toxic masculinity and a machismo culture all of their lives. What I mean is that, when a man loves a woman, that woman has a lot of power to finally make that man feel safe being emotionally open, and being gentle to a degree he may not have felt safe being around his toxic male culture in the past. We all know that men are hard on each other. Funny enough, all of them secretly don’t want it that way. They don’t want to call each other p*ssies for not taking 10 jager bomb shots. They don’t want to act like all they care about is one-night stands. But somewhere, somehow, somebody perpetuated the idea that that’s what it means to be a “Man” and all men are trapped playing up to this illusion that they’re like that when they’re…not. So, if you do love a man who loves you, and he is starting to open up, just know that these things women say to men can make them close right back up.

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I don’t need your help

If there’s one way traditionally closed-off men are comfortable handling emotions, it’s through helping their partners through difficult times. In fact, if you’ve been in several long-term relationships, you’ve probably found that, after you let your partner help you through emotional turmoil a few times, he eventually turned to you for such help. So when you tell him you don’t need his help when you’re upset, you shut him down to the entire concept of going to each other for emotional support. Even if you don’t need his help, take it. It’s good for both of you.

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I can handle this on my own

These can be toxic words in a heterosexual relationship, since most straight men are already inundated with the idea that they should be able to handle everything on their own and never ask for help. We see it when they won’t ask for directions, to when they won’t show emotions. So when you say, “I can handle this on my own” you perpetuate the idea that, within this relationship everyone should be handling their emotional issues solo.

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Aw, you’re opening up—that’s so cute

Even if you don’t mean for it to come off in a derogatory way, this one of the worst things to say to a man who is emotionally opening up. You may genuinely feel endeared to him in this moment and that he is “cute.” but show that—don’t tell it. It’s humiliating for a man to hear he looks “cute” when he’s being emotionally open, since he spends most of his life trying to appear strong. Hug him. Be there for him. Listen. But don’t tell him he is cute.

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It’s really not a good time for this

I know, I know: why is it our job to give men tons of slack, just to make up for what the rest of the world has done to them? Well, if you love a man, that’s pretty much why. I say this because, sometimes, your partner will be emotional over something at the worst time. You’ll be stressed about something else. You’ll be distracted. You’ll be in a hurry. But if he’s opening up, and doesn’t tend to do so, just sit down and listen. Don’t tell him it’s not a good time. That will make him close up again for…months? Years?

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I don’t need a therapist

I’ve been guilty of saying this to my partner when he was just asking questions to try to help me understand my own feelings. When I’m upset, I can become defensive, and when my partner tries to help me I can feel like he’s talking down to me. But, he isn’t. And when I say, “I don’t need a therapist” I am reinforcing the idea that we should both receive emotional help outside the relationship—not inside of it.

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It’s so sweet you can cry in front of me

When a man cries in front of you, do not point out the crying. Just don’t do it. Hug him. Talk him through it. But do not tell him how much it means to you that he feels comfortable crying in front of you—it’s that very comment that will make him uncomfortable doing so in the future. Act as if crying is the most natural, normal thing in the world—a non-issue, really. And do that by not even mentioning it.

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That’s what you’re so upset about

There’s no knowing what will make a man emotional. Considering what a strange and rather messed up complex toxic male culture gives men about being emotional, their emotions can come out at strange times—like during sports games. Even if your partner is emotional about something that would never upset you personally, treat it as if it’s serious. He probably isn’t actually emotional about the football game or boxing match. This is just a medium through which he’s comfortable showing emotions.

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Not this again

I personally have a very sensitive partner. It’s hard for him to let things go. But I’ve had to learn that it’s not up to me to decide what the “normal” grieving time is for anything. None of us can decide that for somebody else. So if your partner is emotional again about something he’s been emotional over for weeks, don’t say, “Not this again” or “This again?” You kind of just have to let men be emotional for as long as they need, if they’re ever going to show emotion again in the future. Most of their lives they’ve been told to lock up their emotions—they don’t need that from a partner.

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I’m a very private person

Even if you are a private person, don’t say that to a man. Just be it. Look, the reality is if you do get into a serious relationship with a man, you won’t be a private person with him forever. You’ll open up eventually. But stating, early on, that you’re a very private person makes him feel that he too should be private (or rather remain private, as most men already are). And you can’t really make emotional progress together like that.

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Let’s just hang out when I’m feeling better

Maybe you don’t want to “burden” the man you’re seeing with your emotions. So, if you have plans one night, but then you become emotional over something (a job issue, a fight with your mother) you may cancel the plans, and say, “Let’s just see each other when I feel better.” But you are setting the precedent that you are both supposed to compartmentalize, and handle your emotions away from each other.

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Let’s just hang out when you’re feeling better

If the reverse occurs, and your partner is down about something, and you suggest you should just see him when he’s feeling better, then you really drive home the idea that he cannot lean on you when he’s emotional. Perhaps you just say this because you assume he wants privacy, but if that’s what he wants, let him be the first to say it—not you.

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Don’t you have a friend you can talk to?

First of all, he may not have a friend to talk to about his feelings. Men aren’t exactly encouraged to share and open up the way women are with their friends. They handle friendships very differently than women do. But even if he does have a friend who may handle the subject better, if he’s coming to you, then just be there for him. Don’t question your own authority on the issue. It just makes him feel like you don’t want to be there for him.

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What should I do? Cry about it?

I know that I, personally, can want to act tough sometimes. Something will happen that is upsetting to me, and my partner will try to comfort me—he’ll try to ask if I want to talk about it or how I feel—and I’ll become defensive. I’ll say, “What do you want from me? Do you want me to cry?” But, when I say things like that, I create more taboo around crying. I add negative energy to the idea of crying, and make him feel less comfortable doing so around me.

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My family doesn’t do feelings

Many of us come from emotionally closed-off families. It’s unfortunate, but you know it’s common. This may be something you want to tell a man a little later, once he gets to know you and he sees that you are emotionally open. Telling him early that your family doesn’t handle emotions well will suggest to him that you aren’t comfortable with them, either, and that he should remain closed off to keep you comfortable.