The Struggles Of Being An Extreme Empath

empathetic

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I am an extreme empath and I don’t necessarily say it to brag. I think there is such thing as a healthy level of empathy, and a destructive level of empathy. I’ve been told that I err on the latter side. I can let small events that didn’t even happen to me but that I simply hear of ruin my day—or week. If a good friend’s pet passes away I can become so frozen with grief that I can barely get anything done for days. That’s not even my pet. My friend herself would probably tell me I was overreacting. But, I can’t help it. I’ve always been sensitive like that. I guess I just lack some of the protective emotional skin others have and am deeply affected by any sort of sadness or discontent around me. I wouldn’t necessarily change if I could because I know that my intense empathy is also what has allowed some of the very deep and loving relationships I have in my life. But, if you are an extreme empath, then you’re probably familiar with these struggles.

You can’t be happy if your partner is unhappy

If my partner is having a difficult day, I can’t really be happy. Even if I have had a really great thing happen that I would normally celebrate. Having a good day on your partner’s bad day is always tough, but it’s especially hard for severe empaths. We take on our partner’s emotions as if they are our own.

But your joy should lift him up

The truth is that, when two people really are connected, then that exchange of emotions can go both ways. What I mean is that, I should share my good news because it will probably uplift my partner. He’s empathetic so, my positive emotions may infect him.

Troubled people find you

It seems like people who are going through something always find me. I’m a crisis friend. Those who are in a personal crisis or struggling through a heartbreak—they have a way of locating me. And then they latch onto me, becoming dependent on me, needing my attention daily because they know I’ll probably give it.

But they’ll grow if you make them

I’m really not helping anyone by indulging their codependent behavior. In fact, I’m making them weaker. Rather than letting these individuals suck the life out of me like vampires while they wallow in their misfortune, I should encourage them to go do something about it, and refuse to give much help to them if they won’t help themselves.

You often become a therapist

I’m a good listener, but that also means I’m often a therapist for my friends. People will talk and talk and talk, without leaving an opening for me to talk, or even asking about how I’m doing. And since I am good at helping people, I feel responsible for taking on this therapist role.

A good friendship is symbiotic

The truth is that what those people need is a therapist because they’ll have to pay a therapist. That’s what makes the therapist/patient relationship fair. Everybody is getting something out of it. When I act as a therapist to a friend, I’m getting nothing out of it—I’m just being used. And friendships should be symbiotic.

Sometimes, you fixate on all the world’s horrors

Sometimes I become so depressed thinking about all of the world’s horrors that it is debilitating. I can just begin to obsess over all of the terrible things that go on in the world that I can’t see.

Excessive sadness is indulgent and unproductive

In reality, it’s self-indulgent to just sit around and feel sad about things rather than doing something to change them. When I feel that sadness coming on, I try to get up and do something helpful like bring food to the homeless or volunteer to walk a dog at a shelter.

You’ll spend your night out helping someone

If I’m having fun with a group—say at a bar or dinner party—and one person is down about something, I take it upon myself to dedicate the entire night to helping that person. So let’s say someone in the group is sad after a breakup, I just sit and talk to her the whole night rather than have fun.

But you need your fun to refuel

We can’t help others if we don’t help ourselves first. I have to remember that I need to have my fun, relaxing nights if I’m going to regain energy to help people. I should really tell that person to give me a call later that week to talk—tonight is my fun night.

You struggle to set boundaries

I can struggle to set boundaries. And people will encroach on my boundaries a lot—they can sense that I’m an empath and won’t stop them. Rather than thinking of my own needs, I just think of how much this person needs me and why they’re crossing a boundary. I make excuses for the person.

But you help others by setting boundaries

I don’t help anyone by letting them cross my boundaries. I actually wind up feeling exhausted, resentful, and angry and then I don’t want to help anyone. I reach a breaking point. But truly, I did it to myself. It’s nobody else’s responsibility beside mine to enforce my boundaries. People will always try to cross them: it’s up to me to uphold them.

You probably have stomach problems or migraines

Extreme stress tends to affect people physically, and can usually manifest itself through either stomach issues or migraines. For me, it’s stomach issues. When I’m feeling very sad or emotional, my stomach issues worsen.

That’s just more reason to take care of yourself

If anything, I should take those physical symptoms as a reminder to uphold my boundaries, not let others take advantage of me, and do some self-care. My body is literally telling me that my extreme empathy is hurting me. It’s proof that we really can’t help others if we neglect ourselves—it kills us!

You feel bad being ambitious

When you’re very empathetic, you can feel bad going for what you want. You feel like you’re taking it from somebody else, or in some way saying you’re better than others. You always think of others who deserve it instead of you.

But remember you’ll be more helpful at the top

Us empaths have to remember that if we are ambitious and get to the top, we will be in a position to do even more good in the world. We shouldn’t feel bad for trying to gain power when we know we’ll do good things with that power.

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