What It’s Like Having A Real Feminist Boyfriend - Page 14

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A lot of people may not guess by looking at him—with his love of Budweiser, football, trucks, and flannel shirts—but my boyfriend is a feminist. He’s not just a feminist but he’s a better (and perhaps truer) one than the men who go out of their way to defy male stereotypes (even if they actually like beer and football) just to make some sort of a point. A man doesn’t have to “dress like a feminist” to be one. What would that even look like? Never mind. I’ve seen it. There are a lot of ponytails. The ironic thing about feminism is that, at it’s core, it’s about not projecting anything onto someone for something they cannot control (their gender) and yet, feminists themselves often assume someone isn’t a feminist due to the way he dresses or how he speaks (my boyfriend says “Bruh” a lot). I went out with a few loud and proud self-proclaimed-male feminists and, I gotta tell you, for a lot of them, it was all an act to get laid. They were the least feminists of all. Here’s what it’s like having an actual feminist boyfriend.

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He never assumes I’m tricking him

If I say I don’t want to do much for Valentine’s Day or my birthday, he doesn’t assume it’s a trick. If I say I’m fine, he doesn’t assume I’m secretly not fine. He gives me the benefit of the doubt that I say what I mean—I’m not some character in a 90s sitcom about young newlyweds who plant traps everywhere.

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He doesn’t tell me what feminism is

He does not tell me if I’m being a bad feminist. He seems to know that’s a cardinal rule of feminism—men shouldn’t tell women how to be better women.

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And when he isn’t sure, he asks me

He doesn’t assume to know everything about what it means to be a feminist. If he isn’t sure what the feminist way would be to deal with something at work or in one of his friendships, he asks me. He makes use of the pretty great resource (a female) he has at his fingertips. He isn’t afraid to admit he doesn’t have all the answers.

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We split bills but he also treats me

We do split the bill on a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still treat me from time to time. And I treat him. That’s not a feminist issue—that’s about being a loving couple who just likes to spoil each other sometimes.

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He pushes me to go after my goals

He completely believes in my ability to do anything I want, including in male-dominated industries. He encourages me to pursue my dreams, even if that means I won’t be able to do stereotypical female things like make him dinner or even be home for dinner.

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He never blames my period

He never says I’m cranky, sensitive, or moody because of my period. He knows that it’s very derogatory and dismissive to just chalk a woman’s feelings up to her hormones. (Sometimes, it turns out it was my hormones but, he knows not to take the risk of suggesting it).

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He doesn’t mansplain anything

We have dialogues—I don’t listen to him monologue. It never feels like I’m sitting and receiving some lecture on any concept or issue. It’s a conversation, in which we both put in our two cents. In other words, he’s a good listener and pauses so I can participate in the conversation.

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In fact, he asks for my input often

My boyfriend treats me like a confidante and asks for my input on a lot of things including his career. I know a lot of, well, slightly sexist men who never ask their female partners for career advice.

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He doesn’t have misogynistic friends

My boyfriend doesn’t have misogynistic friends. He doesn’t hang with men who are sexist under the excuse, “Well—I didn’t say that thing. They did.” He associates himself with those who have the values he has.

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But he doesn’t tell me to act like a man

My partner never suggests that I behave like a man to get what I want in life. He may encourage me to be assertive and confident, but he doesn’t call those “male” traits.

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In fact, he celebrates my femininity

He also celebrates my femininity. I am a woman, after all! He likes that I am nurturing. He likes that I am sensual. He likes that I talk to dogs in a baby voice and love to shop. That’s not the definition of being a woman but it’s how my femininity manifests itself and he loves it.

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He likes working for and with women

When he has a position to fill in his work, he looks for women. He’s a writer, and was recently seeking a producer for his script. He likes female producers. He likes what they bring to the table. And he doesn’t mind working for women—he likes them best as bosses, actually.

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When I need him to “be the man” he is

Not that there should be “male” or “female” traits but for the sake of simplicity here, when I need him to take on a stereotypical male role by, say, protecting me physically or caring for me when I’m down, he does it. Letting a woman walk to her car alone late at night is not feminist—it’s inconsiderate.

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He doesn’t make broad stroke assumptions about women

He never makes broad stroke statements about women. He never says, “She does that because she’s a woman” or “All women are like this.”