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The office is a very interesting ecosystem. It isn’t quite natural. It’s not like within friendships, where you can speak up without fear of losing your livelihood. You can tell a friend you don’t like what she did and the most that can happen is that she’ll argue with you. In the workplace, since one’s career is always on the line, most comments, feedback, and questions have to go through a tremendous amount of filters before they actually come out of one’s mouth. Then there are all of the personalities at play. Sure, someone’s actual job title may be this or that but they may find ways to step out of that—either above it or below it—all of the time by being pushy, manipulative, passive aggressive, and then some. You don’t get to just respond to someone’s work—you must respond to their personality, too. It can be a tricky place for someone who is nice and being nice can quickly turn into being the office pushover. Here are ways to prevent that from happening, or reverse it if it already has.
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Don’t do another person’s task
You have your job description and everyone else has theirs. Sometimes, a unique task comes up and it’s not exactly clear whose job that would be. But, when someone asks you to do something that is not in your job description and is in hers, don’t do it. She may say she’s swamped or you’re better at it. But you’re swamped too, aren’t you? And shouldn’t she get better at it herself if it’s her job?
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Don’t help someone get away with something
“Hey if the boss asks I’m in the bathroom—but I’m really sneaking off for a facial.” Or, “Hey if this person asks, I did get you that report in time and it just wound up in your spam accidentally.” Don’t go along with these dishonest plans. This individual is now putting you in a position where you could get in trouble for dishonesty, should you be found out, all to cover up the thing they shouldn’t be doing.
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Don’t say, “It’s okay” when it isn’t
When someone doesn’t turn something in or doesn’t do what she said she’d do. Don’t say, “It’s okay.” It’s hard to un-train yourself from this, especially when the other person is saying that she’s sorry. But it’s not okay, so don’t say it is.
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Don’t take excuses; require results
“I was just so tired” or “I’m having a hard time in my marriage.” Whatever the excuse is, don’t accept it. You can listen to it, but then you can swiftly say, “Alright so, what’s the plan to remedy this?” Don’t let people feel they can just drop the ball entirely on responsibilities with no consequences.
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Don’t offer excuses when they aren’t required
If someone asks you to do something that simply isn’t your responsibility—in fact, they’re trying to push their work onto you—you can just say, “No.” You don’t need to offer a reason. The fact that it isn’t your job is reason enough.
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Don’t be afraid to edit the ask
Naturally, you can’t always say no to a request. Sometimes part of it is within your job description or you just would like to help, but don’t want to sacrifice too much. It doesn’t always have to be a “yes” or a “no.” You can say, “What about this instead?” For example, if someone wants you to stay late help with a project one night, you can say, “I can’t do that but if you want to do a draft you can send it to me and I’ll look at it at home.”
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Point out imbalances
If you’ve already established yourself as a bit of a pushover, it’s possible that you’ve become the go-to person for last minute undesirable tasks. Nobody expects you to say anything about it but in your gentle way, you can. You can say, “You know, I want to help but I did it the last few times and am a bit burnt out on that. Would someone else mind stepping in who hasn’t done it before?”
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Call it out when boundaries are crossed
Sometimes coworkers may cross boundaries by, for example, telling you deeply personal information that’s inappropriate to share with a coworker or asking you questions that are inappropriate. They’re used to you giving zero pushback. It’s time to give some. You can say, “That’s actually not appropriate office talk so how about we move onto discussing work?”
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Don’t feel bad for saying no
When you do say no, don’t take time to feel bad. Don’t apologize for saying no. Train yourself to just do away with that nagging feeling that you did something wrong simply by saying no to something you didn’t have to do. That bad feeling is actually just the negativity of the other person—the one who was being bossy or selfish—rubbing off on you.
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Don’t do the intern’s job
If your office has interns they can do things like grab coffee for everyone or show the plumber where the supply closet is. Your skill set and knowledge shouldn’t be wasted on tasks like that. You can say, “I think that’s a great task for the intern.” Asking female colleagues to do the interns job is something that, sadly, women still deal with in the workplace as some leftover misogyny.
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Don’t let the meeting end until you’ve spoken
If everyone is pushy and talks over each other in meetings, you’re just going to have to shove your way in there. If you wait for an opening, you’re waiting for something that isn’t coming. If you notice the meeting coming to a close, just speak up loudly and say, “Alright well there isn’t much time left and I actually haven’t had a chance to speak.” Announcing this makes everyone else aware of their loud and pushy behavior.
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Advocate for yourself
One way to not be a pushover is to push for yourself. If a position opens up that you want, and a friend in the office wants it too, you can still go for it. That doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you assertive. Do you feel like she’s mean for going after it? Probably not. So then why should she see you that way?
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Don’t involuntarily give backup
Sometimes, people may rope you into their arguments, and say, “You agree with me, don’t you?” They assume you’ll nod along so as to not be argumentative. But they’re making you take a side you didn’t ask to take. It’s okay in these times to say, “I actually don’t want to be involved in this.”
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Don’t talk down to yourself
While it may seem like a way to make others like you, you are subtly telling people that they can disrespect you because you are disrespecting yourself. If you do a good job at something and people say as much, just take the compliment. Don’t make a joke to belittle what you did.
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Give criticism where you see fit
Giving feedback is only helpful if you also point out things that need to be fixed. Don’t be afraid to give constructive criticism. If someone asks what you think of something and you only say nice things every time, people will see you as a bit of a doormat.
