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in a transition period

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Do you always find yourself in relationships with men who are going through something? Perhaps they’re fresh out of a divorce (or still very much in the middle of the divorce proceedings). That is a hot mess of a situation that, typically, you probably shouldn’t touch. Perhaps he’s an alcoholic who is finally seeking treatment. Maybe he’s someone in the middle of an identity crisis who just left a job that he thought would be his life and instead realized made him miserable. Or, he could be someone in therapy for some untreated trauma from his past. If these situations sound rather familiar, then you likely date a lot of men who are in transition. When you meet them, they aren’t standing on solid ground. A lot of the fundamentals of their circumstances and even personalities are changing. It’s no coincidence if you keep winding up with such partners. Here are reasons you’re attracted to men in transition.

 

in a transition period

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Codependence feels like love

A man in transition will be very needy of you. He’ll want to see you a lot. He’ll need to call you a lot. He’ll give you a lot of attention and affection quickly because he feels pretty lonely and scared, so he’s just grateful that you’re there. This feels like love—almost.

in a transition period

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But it isn’t

Having someone be extremely reliant on you and demanding of your time is not love. That is codependency and that is very unhealthy. Though it may hurt to hear this, a codependent partner does not love you—not for whom you uniquely are, at least. You could be anyone. He could replace you with anyone in an instant. He just needs someone to be there. Don’t you deserve to be with someone who sees you as irreplaceable?

in a transition period

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You’re afraid of moving forward

If this man is in no position to do things like…move in with a partner or…get engaged, then that means you won’t get to/have to do those things for a while. And maybe that’s exactly what you want. While the realities surrounding commitment phobia are complex, your attraction to men in transition could just be feeding into your fear of a serious relationship. A man who is currently in a sober living house or going through a divorce certainly won’t ask you to get married any time soon.

in a transition period

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You’re avoiding your goals

Taking care of someone else who is deeply in transition will certainly let you avoid your own life, right? Maybe you know you need to get to work on that business idea or you know that you need to seek therapy for some trauma of your own. But you keep yourself busy taking care of this codependent partner, so you have an excuse not to face your own stuff.

in a transition period

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You’ve been hurt by strong men

One reason you may be drawn to unstable men is that strong men have hurt you in the past. Maybe a very confident man who did have his life together rejected you. Maybe he rejected you because you did not have your life together. So you feel safe with a man in transition—how could he hurt you? He’s, well, weak right now.