To Men Who Say They’re “Done Being Nice” - Page 8

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I’m not sure if the saying, “No more Mr. Nice Guy” came from a guy who was disappointed with how his love life was going, but I could certainly see that being the case. I hear enough men say things like, “Women only like jerks” or “Nice guys finish last” to know that there are a lot of men out there who are beginning to resent the fact that they’ve been, well, nice. A part of me obviously wants to send out a world-wide memo to women saying, “Date the nice guys!” or “Stop stepping all over nice dudes!” but the truth is that that would only be treating the symptom and not the cause of the issue. The reality is that, men shouldn’t earn the right to turn into jerks, all because they didn’t get what they wanted by being nice. To be truly nice means to be that way, regardless of the outcome. In fact, it’s what makes the genuinely nice people so wonderful. So, to men who are tired of being “the nice guy,” here’s what I have to say to that.

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Being nice doesn’t entitle you to anything

Men who give up on being nice because it isn’t helping them get the girl are, actually, not that nice. They’re essentially saying that being nice entitled them to getting what they want, and since they didn’t, they’re going to punish the world now by being a jerk. It’s kind of like men who complain of being in the friend zone.

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In fact, that’s the opposite of being nice

Actually, if you do a nice thing just because you think it will “buy” you something in the future, you didn’t actually do a nice thing at all. You just obligated someone to doing something for you, all because they accepted your kindness—that they didn’t even ask for.

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It should be about being who you want to be

To truly be nice means to be that way in the face of any reaction. It means being nice because it is important to you to know that you were that way. You helped a female move or watched her dog because it is important to you to perpetuate kindness in the world—not because it increases your chances of getting to sleep with her. That’s called being selfish and manipulative. True kindness asks for nothing in return.

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You may be pursuing the wrong women

I also think it’s a cop out when men say they’re going to stop being nice, to get women, because they aren’t taking any responsibility for their choices. Men: has it occurred to you that you’re attracted to women who aren’t nice? Who aren’t grateful? Who aren’t warm? You may just be trying to turn not-nice women into nice women, rather than just pursuing kind women to begin with.

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So, maybe ask yourself why that is

If the latter is true, then it’s time to look within. Why are you attracted to women who take you for granted? There could be some lack of self-love at play here.

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You may be pursuing too young of women

Look, I’ll admit that most people are pretty selfish until age 25—at least. They don’t mean to be, but their world is still small and they’re used to focusing on themselves. My point is that if you’re a man in your late thirties who keeps dating 23-year-olds and getting upset that they ditch the four-course meal you made them to meet friends at a bar, well, stop dating 23-year-olds.

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So, ask yourself why that is

And if you are so attracted to these super young women, you may have to ask yourself what that’s all about. Arrested development? Peter Pan syndrome? Anyways, don’t hate the players (the 23-year-olds)—hate the game. Being in ones early twenties is to be selfish.

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So, you want to attract insecure women

Here’s what your plan to be a jerk will do: it will attract insecure women. Only insecure women respond favorably to jerks. They want to “win” your approval, so to speak.

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Even then, the kindness is false

So, Mr. New-Jerk, the “niceness” such women show you isn’t even genuine. It’s not about making you happy or doing kind things for you—it’s about running from their dislike of themselves. Secure women don’t do nice things for men who are rude to them.

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To become a jerk is weak

Honestly, being a jerk is the easy thing to do. Don’t you think that everyone, most of the time, feels like saying rude things? Being impatient? Being selfish? Of course they do! Nice people aren’t nice because they don’t feel like being rude. They’re nice because it’s important to them and it’s a choice. Being a jerk is easy.

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You know what’s attractive? Humility+confidence

The most attractive things are humility and confidence. Have the humility to remain kind and gracious, even when others are not humble enough to be the same back. And have the confidence to own the fact that you’re kind, rather than see it as a problem.

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You’ll only meet nice women by being nice

Here’s the thing: if what you want to attract is a genuinely kind woman who is nice to you not to earn your approval and not to get something in return, but just because that’s who she is, then you have to be that way, too.

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Yes, there are fewer of them

I will admit that there are far fewer people who are genuinely kind than those who are fake kind. I understand that waiting to meet the former, and continuing to be nice the whole time, can be exhausting.

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But they’re worth waiting for

The good ones are worth waiting for. It will mean giving away some of your generosity and kindness to women who don’t appreciate it, in the pursuit of finding one who does. But it’s the only way to make it happen.