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When you first start seeing someone, if he mentions that he doesn’t exactly get along with his family, you may think, “That’s not a huge deal. Everybody thinks their family is crazy.” And, you may not even think about how that will affect you. But, if you get seriously involved with a man who truly despises his family, it will affect you more than you think. You’re hoping to build a life with this man and, possibly, join families one day. The closer you get, the more that means spending holidays together and getting close to his family. If he rather openly abhors them, things can get pretty awkward for you. He has the freedom to speak to them disrespectfully: you don’t. Not that you necessarily want to, but no matter how you feel about them, you’re always “just” the girlfriend or “just” the daughter-in-law, so you don’t get to speak as freely. When your partner hates his family, here’s where that leaves you.
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You feel bad saying something bad
Even though your partner openly criticizes his family and talks badly about them behind their back, you feel like you can’t rely engage in the conversation. You feel bad for agreeing with him or confirming what he says in anyway—you still worry he’ll say, “Hey, don’t disrespect my family.”
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You also feel bad saying something good
You also feel bad saying anything complimentary about his family. He so clearly disdains them so you feel like if you point out anything good about them, he’ll feel like you’re “Taking their side.”
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How much do you invest in them?
There is this awkward question lingering in the air: how much should you invest in them? If his mom wants to go to coffee with you regularly, do you go? Do you send them holiday cars and exchange recipes with his siblings? Or, will your partner somehow take that offensively, since he doesn’t like them? The usual move, as the girlfriend, is to befriend the family but you aren’t sure if that’s the move here.
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You still want them to like you…
No matter what your partner says about his family, you can’t help but want them to like you. It’s in your bones—it’s your instinct—to want your partner’s family to approve of you. But you feel like you aren’t supposed to show that, at least not to your partner.
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Though, you feel bad if they like you
Then, on the flip side, if his family openly praises you and clearly adores you, you feel bad, then, too. You feel like, without even trying, you’re forming some sort of alliance with them that your partner won’t like.
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What are you allowed to tell them?
Your partner makes a point of keeping a lot of secrets from his family. He doesn’t want them too involved in his life. So, that puts you in an odd spot. When they ask you about him—his career, his friends—you aren’t sure what you’re allowed to share.
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What if they ask to visit?
It’s pretty common for your partner’s family to just casually mention, over dinner one night, that they’d love to come visit you and your man some time soon. Normally, you’d say, “That’d be great!” but, you don’t actually know how you’re supposed to respond. You know your partner does not want them visiting. But you’re kind of on the spot.
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When he’s being openly cold…
There will be times when your partner is openly mean to his family, in front of you. Maybe they deserve it—maybe they’re all pieces of work. You can’t say to him, “You don’t mean that” because you know he does. You also don’t want to look like you back him up, because you want his family to approve of you. You’re stuck with a very confused look on your face.
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Should you help them when you can?
If you see ways in which you could help his family—like a job recommendation you could give his sibling—do you help? It’s not like you’re actually harming your partner in any way by doing so, but you know he doesn’t actively want good things for the family members he hates.
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Can you suggest that he fixes things?
Are you allowed to suggest to him that he fixes things with his family? You feel like, one day, he’ll regret being so distant from them all of these years—especially his siblings, when their parents are gone and they’re all he has left.
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You feel guilty for liking your family
On your side of things, you feel bad for simply getting along with your family. You feel guilty telling your partner what a lovely time you had visiting your family or how your parents are really your best friends.
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Your family can judge him for hating his
It’s hard to explain the situation to your family. Even if you can see why your partner dislikes his family, you know that your family will struggle to see it. They may just feel that your partner doesn’t value family, since he isn’t close to his—even if it’s just better for his wellbeing that way.
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When he shares good news about them…
If your partner tells you something good that happened to his family—like an engagement or a promotion—are you supposed to say congratulations? To him? To them? You know he doesn’t actually feel positive about this new development.
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Family gatherings can be exhausting
You feel very tired after visiting his family with him. The whole time, it feels as if grenades are going off. You’re always managing some situation. You can never speak freely. You need a vacation from that vacation.
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You don’t want this to go on forever
Some day, if you hope to have kids with this man, you’d like those kids to have relationships with all of their grandparents. So, you really hope this animosity doesn’t go on forever.
