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There’s this funny thing that happens a month of two after a breakup: you look back and you realize that it was over long before it was officially over. While you were still technically together, your vision was cloudy. You were so deep in the emotional throws of the fights and discontent that you couldn’t even see the fact that you had walked away from a happy relationship long ago, and you were just technically still “in a relationship.” But it was just a matter of changing the label at that point: the contents of that relationship were, irreversibly and indisputably broken. There is just a point of no return towards the end there. Of course, you only realize how much time you wasted on a relationship that could not be resuscitated once you’re fully out. Here are the final stages of realizing a relationship is over.
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You mostly talk about the relationship
Your conversations with your partner are primarily about the relationship. If it were, say, a bicycle, it is no condition to be used and enjoyed. Right now, it’s in maintenance mode. All attention to the relationship is spent on trying to fix it and pick of the pieces that seem to be falling off at a rapid rate.
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You take a lot of phone calls outside
You start taking a lot of phone calls outside because you’re probably going to talk about the relationship, to somebody else, like your sibling or friend. You can’t really take calls inside the house anymore, if you want to say what you truly need to say on those calls.
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You don’t feel at home, at home
If you live together, you no longer feel at home in your own home. You dread going home, and find excuses to stay away. You feel on edge whenever you are at home with your partner, and when you have the place to yourself, you dread the moment he returns.
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You imagine life without him
You have started visualizing what life would be like without him. When you know you’re staying with somebody, you simply don’t do that. But when your brain is able to, in detail, see a world without him, things are almost over.
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You can’t make future plans
You wouldn’t dare make future plans, like book plane tickets together for a trip that’s in six months. You wouldn’t dare spend that type of money on something that you know, deep down, will be cancelled.
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Friends are checking in daily
Your friends have started to check in on things daily. The fights you’ve told them about have been pretty bad, so they’re worried about you. They feel that something has to change in your relationship—whether it’s the relationship ending, or winding up in couples counseling. They want to make sure you’re working towards some sort of conclusion.
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You’re happy to get along for 24 hours
You are so grateful if you two can just get along for a full day. You think, “Maybe things are back to normal. We haven’t argued today!”
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Then you realize that’s sad
Then you realize that things have gotten pretty bad if you think that getting along for one full day is something to celebrate. You used to get along for months on end without fighting.
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You’re trigger-shy about sex
You haven’t had sex in a while and it really hasn’t crossed your mind. He hasn’t initiated and neither have you. Having sex right now would feel so wrong—it would feel like a lie.
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You don’t want to think about it
You have your denial phase, when you just don’t want to think about the relationship. It’s a tough project you’d like to just put aside and ignore for a while. But you also realize that if you just don’t want to acknowledge your relationship, something is very wrong.
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You’re looking at other apartments
You have begun casually looking for a new place to live—“just in case,” as you say. But you wouldn’t be looking at those places if you believed you two were staying together.
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You can’t remember the last time you laughed together
You really, truly cannot remember the last time you guys were genuinely happy together, and laughing your butts off. The vibe in the house has been decidedly dark and heavy.
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You always feel anxious around him
If you were to ask yourself, “Do I feel relaxed around this person? Or anxious” your knee-jerk reaction would be to say, “Anxious.” Whoops. That’s not good.
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Friends start offering escape plans
Your friends have begun offering escape plans. These could come in offers like, “Well, if you do break up, you know you can stay with me” or “Well, if you do become single, you can finally date my friend.”
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You’re dabbling in an emotional affair
You find yourself lightly dabbling in some inappropriate conversations with other men. You even find yourself day dreaming about other men. Remember when you’d never think of another man? Those days are over.
