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Relationships do take work, of course, but not the type of work that leaves you feeling drained, exhausted, stomped all over, and barely even resembling the person you were before the relationship started. A quality relationship should make you feel like you are rewarded in massive dividends for the work you do. The right partnership will make you feel as if every time you give a little, you get more back in return than you could have possibly dreamed of. I worry that a lot of people rely on the old adage “Relationships take work” as an excuse to stay in—to put it simply—bad relationships. They may not even realize that relationships don’t have to feel that way. Their friends and family agree that relationships take work, so they assume everyone feels as challenged and tired as they do each day in their relationships. But, they probably don’t. So, though relationships take work, how much is too much?
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Regularly misunderstanding an intention
You’re constantly having to explain yourselves to each other and regularly misinterpreting the other’s intention. For example, if you’re out with your partner and run into an old coworker whom you chat with for a second without introducing your partner, your boyfriend believes you have feelings for that coworker, and that’s why you didn’t say, “This is my boyfriend.”
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You should mostly just know
If you’re with the right person, you should have a pretty good gage for his overall intentions. In that last example, your partner should have given you the benefit of the doubt that you A) forgot that coworker’s name, so you couldn’t introduce him or B) Just had a moment of forgetfulness, were excited to see that old friend, and totally—accidentally—neglected to introduce your boyfriend. If you both regularly see these scenarios completely differently, something’s very wrong.
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Even fun activities provoke an argument
You cannot so much as agree on what to make for dinner or where to go on vacation without getting into a serious fight. Planning things that should make you happy, giddy, and excited manages to make you angry.
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What happens when you have real problems?
How are you, as a couple, supposed to face real problems in life—like caring for sick parents or disciplining a teenager—when you can’t so much as plan a trip without fighting? If you turn non-issues into issues, you’ll just be screwed when real problems come up.
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Leaving social events to argue
You must step away from most social engagements to have an argument outside. You may even leave a lot of social occasions early—important ones, like your best friend’s birthday dinner—to fight.
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That indicates great fragility
If your relationship is so unstable that you cannot put aside a questionable comment or interaction for just a few hours to respect your friend’s birthday dinner or enjoy a party, you have a very fragile relationship. If it feels like you must address issues on the spot, blowing up a social interaction to do so, or the relationship will end, that’s a very bad sign.
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You must choose between work or him
You regularly need to choose between pursuing your career or tending to your relationship. If you choose to take on an extra project at work that would be great for your career—but would require you to travel the next few weekends—your partner accuses you of not prioritizing the relationship.
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A good relationship makes this easy
In a healthy relationship, both people always look at the big picture. And that’s this: in order for a couple to be happy, both individuals must be happy as individuals. That means they must feel encouraged and free to pursue their goals. Making a person feel guilty for pursuing her goals is not the sign of a solid relationship.
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You must choose between socializing and him
You also have to choose between having a social life or being with your partner. If you, for example, want to go to a brunch party on a Saturday, your partner wants to stay in, and you opt to go to the party alone, he accuses you of caring more about partying than your relationship.
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Your partner should participate in your life
Again, in a healthy relationship, both people encourage each other to have full, healthy, happy lives as individuals, as well as romantic partners. That means being happy that your partner goes to enjoy a party, even if you’re not up for tagging along.
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You must ask for more shows of love
You feel as if you are constantly working to feel loved and appreciated. When an opportunity comes up for your partner to either rise to the occasion or let you down, you already sense yourself anticipating that he’ll let you down. Let’s say you invite him to your mother’s home for dinner. You already fear he’ll arrive late, and be distracted/on his phone much of the night, and leave early. If he only does one of those things, you give him a trophy.
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The acts of love should be overflowing
You should not have to count the acts of love. They should be so overflowing, that you lose track. You should be able to ask your partner to be there for you, and not instantly worry that he won’t be. He should not only be at your mom’s place for dinner, but he should be a little early, arrive with a gift, and be the most social, polite, and engaging guest.
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You fight more than you don’t
The reality is that, if you tallied up the hours you spend not getting along versus getting along, the figures would be pretty sad. Most of your relationship is either spent fighting or recovering from/making up after a fight. Very little time is spent just being truly happy and positive.
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You should rarely fight
Fights will happen, but most of your time should be spent getting along. It’s just that simple. You have your reasons for fighting, sure, but look at the bigger picture: you could also just be with someone with whom you don’t find that much.
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You distract yourselves with excitement
In order to be happy, you must always do grand, thrilling, and exciting things. You’re always traveling. You’re always going to big events. You’re often doing these things to “reset” after a fight, but you have to reset so often that you’re always jetting off to some weekend getaway. You’re actually just trying to get away from the reality that your relationship is junk.
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It should feel nice when you do nothing
When you are in a good relationship, simply making dinner at home and watching television should be easy, without issue, void of argument, and enjoyable. You shouldn’t have to distract yourselves with glamorous trips and events in order to feel happy. It’s one of the reasons it can be good for a couple to meet when they have no money yet, since their only option is to keep things simple.
