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Stability is a very normal thing to desire. We are biologically designed to seek out stability. Back when our ancestors lived in caves and hunted and gathered, women chose to procreate with the guys who were able to bring home the most literal bacon (or, like, a carcass) and build the best shelter. For a very, very long time, the concept of romantic love simply did not exist. If you want an even greater look at how new the concept is, just remember that in most of Jane Austen’s novels, the main characters are fighting to have a marriage based on romantic love during a time when that still was not the norm—and that was the 1800s! Not that long ago. So, as you can see, there’s no reason to feel bad if a little part of you is attracted to practical resources—it’s ingrained in you. That being said, we do now (at least most of us) want a marriage based on romance and friendship. Our brains have shifted to need that in order to feel happy, more than we need things like four-car garages and multiple credit cards. So, if you do make the mistake of marrying a man you don’t love, for stability, eventually, that reality will catch up with you.
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You tell yourself that love isn’t everything
You often find yourself saying things like, “You know love isn’t everything” and “A marriage can’t exist on just fun and sex!” That’s you trying to justify the fact that your marriage has, well, little love, little fun, and almost no sex…but it does have a nice Roth IRA.
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You’re feeling guilty about your belongings
You find the excitement of your nice home, luxury car, and designer clothes are wearing off. In fact, you almost feel a little sad around these items. At times, your five-bedroom house feels more like a prison than the beautiful abode you once saw it for. That could be because no home, of any kind, feels nice for long if it’s void of love.
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But you also need things to be perfect
You’ve become very particular about the nice things in your life being perfect. If you’re a member of a country club, and the restaurant gives you an iced tea instead of the Arnold Palmer you asked for, your blood boils. That could be because things like the club are your only payment for being in a loveless marriage, so you need for at least that to be perfect.
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The courting process was expensive
Your partner really wooed you with money. Your relationship, up until the marriage, was a lot of vacations, wine tasting, nights at the theater, concerts, and other pricey activities. The glitz and glamor created a blindfold that felt nice to wear—but did hide the fact that you really had no chemistry with this man. Now, when life is simpler, and you just stay home a lot, you realize you need fancy events to have fun together.
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You fantasize about other men
You fantasize about other men. A lot. If you’ve been wondering if that’s normal…it’s not. Well, perhaps it’s normal in the sense that it does happen but it isn’t a good sign. Interestingly enough, the men about whom you fantasize aren’t necessarily wealthy. They’re just men who make you laugh or seem to understand you.
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You’re more business partners than lovers
You and your partner mostly talk about managing the household staff, managing your wealth, and who will be on what committee or board for what charity this year. You’re sort of business partners, managing your marriage, rather than lovers enjoying it.
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He doesn’t excite you, but he comforts you
You couldn’t say that your partner excites you. Giddy or elated or not words you could use to describe the way you feel when he walks in the room. You feel…calm…kind of like when you were a little girl and your dad would walk in the room. Because, well, your partner might be more your caretaker than your romantic partner.
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You spend time together, but apart
You’re often together, but apart. You go on vacation, and he goes in the Jacuzzi while you go for a walk. At home, you read in the same room, but don’t talk. You go to your country club together, but he goes to the men’s locker room, you go to the women’s, and you only meet up to leave.
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You’ve moved into separate wings
You’re essentially glorified housemates now. You’ve moved into separate wings of the house. You have your own bedrooms, your own bathrooms, and your own offices. You only meet in the more general community areas, like the dining room, but you spend little time together in the more private rooms.
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Passion and you aren’t well acquainted
When you see a couple being passionate—either in real life or in the media—it seems like such a foreign, distant feeling to you. You feel entirely disconnected from that feeling. It seems that passion is for other people.
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Your date nights are spent making appearances
You spend your date nights doing things like popping by gallery openings, making appearances at galas, and generally being a couple about town in high society. They aren’t spent one on one.
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Vacations are nice but routine
You have your set places you go to for vacation each year. You have a timeshare at one place, and you go there every summer. You have a timeshare at another place, and you go there every winter. Vacations aren’t about adventuring and trying new things together. They’re just about…going and living, basically the exact way you do at home, just somewhere else.
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One got away—a poor one
There is one that got away. There is one guy who you often wonder about and think, “What would have happened if we’d stayed together…” You laughed a lot together and had great chemistry, but you questioned his ability to make it—financially speaking. Now, here you are, thinking about him, in your big house with a husband you don’t really smile around.
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All the women around you did
If you look around at your “core” group of friends, you know they don’t really love their husbands. You know they’re in it for the money. Core is in quotations because, you don’t necessarily love them all but, common philanthropic work and husbands who work together brought you together.
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He proposed with figures
Your partner proposed by presenting bank statements, investment statements, and twenty-year financial plans.
