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Transitioning away from being a people-pleaser was one of the scariest things I ever did. I didn’t do it all in one fell swoop, of course. It happened through a series of small actions—actions I took to show certain individuals in my life that I would no longer give into the understanding that our relationship would be mostly about them. There were a lot of people with whom I had to do this. For the record, I don’t consider myself a victim. I’m not trying to demonize those individuals or pity myself. I’m an adult. I always had the option to draw some lines and set some boundaries. Naturally, so long as I didn’t create boundaries (or at least firm ones) people were going to push them. It’s what people tend to do. It was scary to create boundaries because I worried some people would like me less because of it. And I was right—but the reality is that anyone who dislikes you for setting boundaries is someone you shouldn’t like. Here are ways to establish boundaries and establish your value.
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Requiring two-way conversations
If someone talks about herself the whole time you’re together, never giving you a chance to get a word in edgewise or asking you about yourself, say something. Say, “I feel like these conversations are more of a monologue on your part rather than a dialogue. I need my friendships to be just that—friendships—rather than feel like therapist/patient relationships.”
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Asking for advance notice in plans
Stop scrambling to adjust your schedule for the friend that only ever asks two hours in advance if you’d like to hang out. Tell her that you’d love to see her, but if it’s going to work, just due to your busy schedule, you’re going to need more notice. If she cares about you, then she’ll give you more notice.
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Asking for advance notice on cancellations
Don’t tolerate individuals who repetitively cancel on you at the very last minute, after you’ve already moved things around and made accommodations to make the plans work. If it happens once, due to an emergency, that’s understandable. But if this person cancels at the last minute often due to silly things like “Forgetting” she had other plans or mismanaging time, say something about it.
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Friendships should be two-way streets
Only accept friendships that are two-way streets. If you have a friend who never initiates plans, never calls you, and doesn’t invite you to social occasions, something’s off. If you have a friend who never makes your birthday or dinner parties but gets mad if you miss hers, something is wrong. Address it.
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Professional relationships should be two-way, too
Professional relationships should also be two-way. Do you have any colleagues or professional peers who often ask for favors from you, but don’t do you favors in return? They ask you to help them with projects or look over their resumes, but when you ask for the same things, can’t be bothered? Stop helping them. Or state that you’re going to need a more symbiotic relationship.
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Instating a, “If you don’t have anything nice to say” rule
Do you have friends, family members, or coworkers who always have something negative to say about your life? They just look for what’s wrong in everything—from your relationship to your job to your apartment décor. Tell them that if they’re not going to say anything positive about your life then you’re not going to make room for them in it.
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You should pick the restaurant/movie sometimes
If you have a friend or a boyfriend who always pushes for his restaurant, movie, or activity of choice, that isn’t fair. You’d be better off going to the movie you want to see alone. Let this person know that if it’s important to spend time with you, he’ll let you choose the activity sometimes.
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Demanding consistency in relationships
It’s okay to want a clear vision on what a relationship is. If a friend or someone you’re dating disappears for months at a time, failing to respond to calls and texts, and then popping back up as if that didn’t happen, address it. Tell them they can be in your life consistently or not at all.
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Rejecting unsolicited feedback
Are you tired of unsolicited feedback? Then do something about it. You can tell someone, “Thank you for caring, but generally I prefer to only get feedback that I’ve asked for.”
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(Almost) never sacrificing alone time
Even if your friend is spinning out of control after a breakup or another friend is begging you to keep her company while her husband is out of town, don’t do it if it interferes with your precious alone time. You need time for self-care. Don’t let anyone steal it from you, unless it’s a true emergency.
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Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with
Never do anything you’re not comfortable doing—for anyone but yourself. It’s a good idea to push yourself beyond your comfort zone if it can help you grow, but don’t let others force you to do uncomfortable things for them. If someone asks you for a favor that would make you uneasy, just say no.
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Don’t be a crisis-only friend
Do you have a friend who only comes to you in a crisis? She calls you constantly and needs to see you desperately anytime she’s going through something difficult, and then she disappears when things are going well. That’s not fun—that means you just put in the work to make her better and don’t get to enjoy the benefits. Stop hanging out with that friend.
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Or a good-time-only girlfriend
Are you a good-time-only girlfriend? It can be hard to admit, but here are some signs: he only calls you on weekends, he only wants to party/go to bars but never make a meal at home, he only wants to hang when alcohol is involved, he never invites you to real-life events like office parties, family reunions, or weddings. Stop giving that man your time.
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Don’t give if you have nothing left to give
If you are just burnt out, it’s okay to say that. If a friend asks for your help and you’d generally like to help but you have nothing left to give, then don’t give. A friend who respects and loves you will understand that, and go to someone else for help this time.
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Only make intros you’re proud to make
Don’t let anyone pressure you into introducing them to someone. Your reputation relies heavily on those with whom you associate. If someone asks you to refer her for a job, for example, but you know she doesn’t do quality work, respectfully say she should ask someone else.
