Surprising Ways Your Parents’ Infidelity Affects You - Page 14

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My dad was unfaithful to my mother a lot. There were a few women for sure, and that’s only the ones we know of. I can only imagine there were many others that just never made it onto our radar. Considering we know for sure he cheated when I was one year old and when I was 15 years old—yes, I’m serious—it doesn’t take much imagination to think that if he was willing to cheat one year in, and 15 years in, there was probably some stuff happening in between. I doubt he just took an over-a-decade break. I was only 15 years old when we found out and the way it affected me hit me in waves. I had my reactions during my teenage and college relationships. Those were pretty strong and untethered reactions. Even after a lot of therapy, and an understanding that my dad’s infidelity doesn’t have to impact my life at all, I still see small ways that it does. Here are surprising ways your parents’ infidelity can affect you.

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If your dad cheated, you think all men are bad

If you’re a woman and it’s your father who did the cheating, you can believe all men are bad. He was your role model for a “good man” and then he was…not a good man. You can start to believe that every man you pass on the street has bad intentions and disgusting thoughts, and truly hate men for a while. Eventually you realize that doesn’t do you much good.

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If your mom cheated, you worry you’ll inherit it

If you’re a woman whose mother cheated, you can become paranoid that you’ll cheat—that the urge to cheat is passed down in the DNA. We as women see ourselves more in our mothers so it’s only natural that, when our moms do the cheating, we worry it’s passed onto us.

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You may cheat as a self-fulfilling prophecy

Once you have it in your head that you could cheat because the infidelity gene runs in your family, you may just wind up cheating as some self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s like an impulse that you’re afraid will come up, and then your subconscious creates that impulse.

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You might date demure men who worship you

For a while, I only dated super sweet men who, honestly, let me walk all over them and would do anything for me. It was the only way I felt safe. I needed guys who lived and breathed for me if I was going to believe they weren’t cheating. But, naturally, that wasn’t real love. I was using them.

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Or you may date jerks who could be cheating

I have seen a lot of women with cheating fathers date total douche bags. Perhaps, in their subconscious, they believe they will inevitably be cheated on one day, so they choose men who will fulfill that prophecy. There is something oddly calming about having the things you fear will happen happen.

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You don’t trust your own thinking sometimes

If you do find a good relationship, you’ll have moments when being blissfully happy makes you nervous. I’m in a wonderful relationship and then, sometimes, I remember that my mom thought she was in a wonderful relationship but she wasn’t. I can’t help but have moments of paranoia when I wonder if I am blind to the signs of infidelity.

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You may blame your parents for your problems

Through my mid twenties, I blamed my parents for anything in my life that wasn’t going my way. I said that the trauma of the infidelity messed with my self-esteem and ability to go after my goals. I said it made me unable to love. But, around my late twenties an important thing occurred to me: even if other people mess me up, it’s up to me to fix me. Nobody else will. And blaming others for the fact that my life isn’t going the way I want it won’t make my life go the way I want it.

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If a friend so much as dates a man in a relationship…

I’m definitely rather judgmental of people who toy with infidelity. If a friend sleeps with or has a fling with a man who is dating someone else, I have a hard time not making some pretty nasty comments.

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And if a friend dates a married man

I’ve straight up stopped being friends with women who were dating married men. They weren’t any less of friends to me for it, but I just couldn’t look past it. I decided they were bad people. I’m not proud of it and I’ve learned to soften my approach to those situations. But it’s what happened.

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When married men hit on you

When married men hit on me, I kind of lose it. I give them a verbal lashing that I hope leaves them wanting to crawl into a hole and shrivel up and die there. Ah, see, that’s the kind of stuff I say to them.

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You think you spot infidelity everywhere

My infidelity radar can be a little off. I think I spot it when it isn’t there. If a friend’s husband goes on a lot of business trips, I start to wonder. If a married neighbor works from home and has occasional visitors when his spouse is away, my little cheating antenna goes up.

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If your boss is unfaithful

I may or may not have once told off a boss who was cheating on his wife. Luckily, we already had the type of rapport and friendship that it didn’t get me fired, but it would have at any other job.

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Open relationships make you sick

What infidelity means becomes black and white when true infidelity scars you. So, I just don’t like people in open relationships. I feel like they lack the very same ability to be loyal and honest that my father lacked. Even if everyone in the relationship agrees to stray.

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You work hard to let it not control you

I’ve had to go through a lot of therapy and do a lot of personal work to make sure that my dad’s infidelity at the very least didn’t affect my romantic relationship. It has little control over me today, but that’s due to a lot of work on my part—this didn’t fix itself all on its own.