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This weekend was Near Miss day, which commemorates March 23, 1989—a day when a giant asteroid missed the earth by a mere 500,000 miles. That may seem like it didn’t come close, but considering how massive the universe is, it came alarmingly close, and posed one of the greatest risks that could have wiped out mankind for good. So, my rather dramatic brain started to think about all of the relationships I nearly stayed in that could have wiped out my chance at a happy life, for good. In a way, many of my exes were asteroids just trying to shatter my future. Don’t you sometimes look at some of your past relationships and think, “Phew. That was a close one!” At one point, you really considered spending your life with that person. Hopefully, today, you’ve found a life that you love and that so clearly could have never existed had you stayed with those exes. But, you almost stayed. You really did. It was a near miss. In commemoration of Near Miss Day, let’s look at the relationships you’re glad you escaped with your dignity.
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The super jealous guy
I had a very jealous boyfriend once, as I’m sure many of us once did—possessiveness is easily mistaken for love. For a while, I really let him believe I was “bad” for simply hugging my male friends. For a moment, I thought it was normal that he asked me not to hang out with other men without him there to chaperone. Woah.
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The uptight, too-clean guy
Look, the allure of money and a Stepford-like life tempted me once. I met a man who had his own successful company and…perhaps no soul. His apartment was upscale, spotless and…heartless. He had someone do his clothing shopping for him—not even his style represented who he was! He rarely said a bad word. He was very tight-laced, clean-cut, and…boring. Ugh. I just couldn’t do it. He found me to be an entertaining toy—a light in his dull life—but he wasn’t much fun to me.
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The one who tried to convert you
Did you ever date someone who tried to convert you to his religion? Or maybe even…his cult?! I dated someone who tried to get me to be religious. I did find something lovely about the community around his religion but, also, I knew it was false. For me, at least. I wasn’t a believer. I couldn’t stay in it just because I liked the community.
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The heavy rager
Ah yes, the partier. This guy had every promoter, bouncer, and bartender on speed dial. Life could have been an endless blur of VIP tables, and sticky nightclub floors in bathrooms with attendants handing out breath mints and condoms while women did narcotics in the stalls. I felt like somebody when I was with this guy. But, it was a lie. I was his trophy. His plus one. I wasn’t coming into my own. I was wasting my nights away at clubs and my days away recovering from hangovers.
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The too-chill stoner
This is a different type of partier we may have all dated once. This guy was into, err, a different substance. His partying involved ordering pizza and watching “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.” He was nice to date for a while when being a new adult looking for work and facing the terrors of responsibilities was too much to bare. But, really, being with him was just a form of putting my life on pause and hiding away.
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The guy who hates his job
I once dated an accountant who hated his job, and he thought that was normal. He was a “weekend warrior.” He lived for the moments away from work. He needed major distractions like lots of alcohol and ESPN to just escape for a few hours each night. I almost thought that was normal, too. But I learned that I’d like to be with someone pursuing his passion who likes most of every day, and doesn’t just live for the weekend.
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The broken man
I think at some point, most women try to save a broken man. He’s just so hard to resist, like a baby bird with a broken wing. He’s messed up in some way, and we take it upon ourselves to be his nurse and therapist (and girlfriend). Eventually, we try every way to save him and realize we can’t—people typically need to save themselves.
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The guy with the anger issues
It’s a little scary to think just how far I let things get with a man who had anger issues. A wall had to be punched before I left. Perhaps I should give myself more credit for leaving before anything (or anyone) else became the victim of physical abuse. But a bad temper can be hard to spot at first. Or, rather, when we already like or love someone, we don’t want to believe that temper could become something more. I’m glad I left before I could find out.
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The guy who was probably gay
Whoops. I think I dated a couple of those! These were my college days when these gentlemen didn’t yet realize themselves that they were gay. We got along so well. We had so much fun together. They fawned over my appearance—my fashion and my clothes—and it was hard not to love that. I should give them a call—they could be some of my best girlfriends today!
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The workaholic narcissist
Ambition is definitely attractive, but I dated a may for whom his work was his whole life. His career was his identity. He based his value—his sense of self-worth—on how his career was going. Translation: being a good partner was low on his priorities list. If I asked him to miss a work event to, oh, I don’t know, spend my birthday with me, I was accused of getting in the way of something great. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. There’s something to be said for enjoying life, too.
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The artistic narcissist
The artistic narcissist is very different from the workaholic narcissist. The artistic narcissist may not actually do much work at all. But he can feel that his days of lounging around, drinking, philosophizing, drinking more, and writing scattered thoughts on napkins are very important—more important than joining his partner in society.
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Mr. Open relationship
Yuck. My blood still boils a little when I think of this guy—the one who wanted to have an open relationship. I can’t believe I even entertained the idea for a second. But, really, it was just a second and then I was out.
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The mooch
Uh oh. Have you been a victim of a mooch? A user? Perhaps it was—as it was for me—during a time when you were lonely and wanted companionship. So a man who literally had nothing else going on but you, and wanted to move into your place, seemed appealing. But not for long. When self-love comes back, the mooch must go.
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The one you almost married
This is the very scary one: the guy you almost married. Did you ever come close? I was never engaged, but there were times I was so in love with the wrong guy that had he asked me to elope, I would have. I’m so glad he didn’t.
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The bad relationship with yourself
There’s really only one reason any of these bad relationships were able to exist and that is this: I hadn’t yet perfected my relationship with myself. That relationship will never be perfect, of course, but it should get stronger every day. My relationship with myself was weak, and these men took the opportunity to slide in when I didn’t know any better.
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