Things He Does And Doesn’t Need To Know About Your Past
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I know one couple who over-share about their past and, quite frankly, it gets them into a lot of trouble. Each time the woman in the couple—with whom I’m the closest—calls me to tell me about a new fight she’s in with her boyfriend, the story starts with someone saying something about their past. When I hear these stories I’m always thinking, “Well that was a totally unnecessary thing to tell your partner.” Of course I believe that we should have open communication with our partners. But can we also agree that, we’ve all done things in the past that are no longer representative of whom we are and that would simply upset our partners without giving them any insight into our personalities? Yeah. Probably, right? On that note, here are things your partner does and doesn’t need to know about your past.
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Useful: You’ve been married
Obviously, your partner should know if you were married in the past. If he were to discover through public record (that’s out there, remember) that you were once married and hadn’t told him, he’d feel that this was a massive betrayal.
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Not necessary: You’ve been engaged
Your partner doesn’t really need to know about broken off engagements. Those were really just…breakups. No paperwork was signed. No legal documents came into play. You had the intention to marry, sure, but many couples who don’t even get engaged have that intention, too. It’s just an intention and not a binding union.
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Useful: STDs that stuck around
Your partner is definitely going to have to know if you have permanent STDs. It won’t be easy telling him, and his reactions may not make you that thrilled. But you have a responsibility to be honest about this.
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Not necessary: STDs that went away
If you had one of those STDs that you could treat and get rid of, you don’t need to tell your partner about that. It could lead him to believe you are far more promiscuous and irresponsible than is true. Even responsible, conservative individuals sometimes have bad luck and catch something.If you had one of those STDs that you could treat and get rid of, you don’t need to tell your partner about that. It could lead him to believe you are far more promiscuous and irresponsible than is true. Even responsible, conservative individuals sometimes have bad luck and catch something.
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Useful: Exes you may run into
If there’s a very good chance you and your man will run into an ex around town—let’s say, he owns a popular restaurant or lives down the street—your new partner has a right to know that. Don’t let him get blindsided.
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Not necessary: Notches in your belt
Your partner doesn’t need to know your number. I always find it very silly when people ask their partner how many people they’ve slept with. This is just an invitation for a fight.
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Useful: You used to party a lot
So, maybe you used to be a party girl. If that’s true, your partner will pick up on that based on some of your close friends’ comments and stories. Better he hear it from you, first.
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Not necessary: You danced nude at a party
He doesn’t need to know the details of said partying, like that time you danced naked on a table at a party or had an orgy at a recording studio.
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Useful: Trips you’ve taken/experiences you’ve had
If you’ve been to Paris, seen U2 in concert, or visited such and such museum, your partner can know about that. It’s interesting to talk about your experiences and how they impacted you.
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Not necessary: The very rich boyfriend who treated you
Now, if it’s a very wealthy boyfriend who treated you to those trips to Paris and U2 concert tickets, your new partner doesn’t really need to know the extent of that man’s wealth. It will only make him insecure.
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Useful: Recent infidelity
If you cheated or were cheated on in the last few years, you should discuss this with your partner. It impacted you and you are still affected by it. You could be dealing with trust issues, or even guilt issues.
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Not necessary: Ancient infidelity
Honestly, high school and even college cheating doesn’t really count. You were a baby, and those relationships were hardly real. You were still learning about the significance of monogamy and loyalty.
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Useful: What you’ve learned from exes
It can be very useful to talk to your partner about what you learned from your past relationships. You found out a lot about yourself, and what does and doesn’t work for you.
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Not necessary: Your exes’ great attributes
I’d stick to just telling your partner the bad things about your exes. He doesn’t need to hear the ways they were great, too. Would you want to hear that about his exes?
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Source: Dean Mitchell / Getty
Work on a need-to-know basis
Generally speaking, it’s helpful to work from a need-to-know basis. You don’t have to share every single detail and story, just because something triggers those memories. That’s how you get into dumb arguments.
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