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So your partner is dead set on eloping and you’ve always dreamed of having a wedding. When your partner—whom you love and want to spend your life with—announces that he doesn’t want a real wedding, it can feel like someone knocked the wind out of your sails. You can panic and feel like someone already stole your wedding, when it’s still just a conversation. And remember that—this is a conversation. Your marriage will belong to both of you and your wedding day should be designed by both of you. You’d also be amazed how often men say they don’t want a wedding, get coerced into having one, and then are SO grateful they did it. Yes, weddings can be expensive and their planning can take over your life, but many couples still go onto call them the happiest day of their lives. So this is a tricky predicament to be in. He wants to elope and you want a wedding. What do you do?
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First, determine why
If you’re going to contemplate giving up a wedding you’ve always dreamed of, then he has to explain himself. Ask him why he doesn’t want a wedding or what he explicitly likes about eloping. Once you have your answer, you’ll have a little more leverage.
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If it’s about family drama…
If it’s about family drama—specifically not really liking his family/trusting them to get along for a wedding—you can remind him that not having a wedding could cause more drama than it will prevent. If his family is already problematic, they’ll find a way to pick a fight about the elopement.
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If it’s about money…
If it’s about the money, teach him about all the ways you can throw a dirt-cheap wedding. A lot of men are in the dark about that, and assume every wedding comes with a $50,000 price tag.
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If it’s about the whole display…
If he is embarrassed about having a day that’s all about celebrating your love, well, then you can tell him that’s pretty damned insulting. He should be so proud of your relationship that he wants to put it on display for a day.
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Explain the significance to you
Your partner should know what having a wedding means to you. If he’s going to take it away from you, he should understand just what he’s taking away from you. And once you explain that to him, he’ll probably have second thoughts.
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Remind him of his boys
He probably hasn’t thought about the fact that having a wedding gives him an excuse to get all of his buddies—from college, high school, childhood—who have moved all over the world, to come to town to party with him.
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Compromise with a party
If he’s still insistent on eloping, compromise and elope, but have a party. You can still have a party, just like a regular house party or have everyone meeting at a bar, in celebration of your wedding.
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Remind him party=gifts
Also remind him that whether you have a real wedding or just a party after the elopement, that some sort of party will mean gifts and gifts will mean money. Cha-ching!
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Get a small guest list
If you do elope, you should still be entitled to a teeny, tiny guest list. That could mean your parents, siblings, and two best friends. If you want your truly beloved ones to witness your vows, you should get that.
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It can’t be unceremonious
You also need to insist that eloping won’t be unceremonious. You aren’t going to a chapel with a drive-thru. It won’t be at some sad place that’s the equivalent of a fast food wedding venue. You want to do it somewhere cute.
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You’ll still want a photographer
You should still get a photographer. Just because you don’t have a wedding doesn’t mean you can’t take memorable photos of the day you eloped—you’ll want those later in life.
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You can still have a shower
Just because you aren’t having a wedding doesn’t mean you can’t get a bridal shower. This is especially true if you plan on having a party in celebration of your union. Having a shower will help you feel like you still got to do the whole thing.
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You can still have a bachelorette
You can definitely still have a bachelorette party, and should. In fact, many brides say the bachelorette was the most memorable part of the whole wedding process.
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Use the saved money on a killer honeymoon
Agree with your partner that you’ll use the money you saved on a big wedding on an amazing honeymoon. That’s the least he can promise you.
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Ask yourself if you can live with it
Finally, really get real with yourself: will you be able to live with the fact that you passed on having a real wedding? If you know deep in your gut it will make you sad, then push for your wedding, or you’ll resent your partner forever.
