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You want to think that all you feel after getting engaged is a sense of completeness, of satisfaction, and of exhilaration. On paper, this engagement should be a good thing. You’ve been dating your fiancé for a while. Your family loves him and his family loves you. You’re of “the age” to marry (though I’ll argue there is no such thing—it’s never too late to find love!). So then why do you find yourself, a few days after all the excitement of posting those engagement photos has worn down, feeling a sense of panic? You might feel suddenly very emotionally distant and mentally disconnected from the man whom you felt completely in sync with just a few days ago. What’s that about? Does that mean this engagement was a mistake? Not necessarily. But it could mean there are some things you should work out before the actual wedding day. Here are possible reasons you’re regretting getting engaged.
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It’s too soon
Maybe you got engaged too soon. We’re flooded with these ideas of when it’s time to get married. If you’ve been dating for a few years, then maybe everyone has been asking, “When will you two get married already?” Everyone else seemed to think it was time so…you got engaged. But every couple progresses at their own rate. Outsiders shouldn’t have influence.
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He’s been engaged before
Perhaps he’s been engaged before, and things did not end well. She called off the wedding. She didn’t show up at the altar. You’ve always felt he loved you, but you can’t help but wonder if he’s just going for a do-over for what happened before. You can’t help but wonder if he’s still so traumatized from that incident, that he isn’t ready.
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It might be a Band-Aid
Deep down, perhaps you know that this engagement is just a Band-Aid. You two have not been getting along. You haven’t felt close. In fact, you got in a blowout fight just a few days before the engagement. You know in your gut that an engagement shouldn’t fall on the heels of tons of fighting.
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It’s more about his family
It happens sometimes: you just love his family. He’s great but, really, it’s about those relatives. Perhaps you don’t have much family of your own—or you have a toxic one—and his family is the warm, loving hug you always wanted. You know it’s not fair to him to marry him for his family.
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You don’t believe in marriage
Maybe you believe in this relationship, but you don’t believe in marriage. You’d love to spend your life with this partner, but you don’t really believe in the institution of marriage. You’re just doing it for him—but it feels like a lie to you.
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You could use couples therapy
You’re almost there, but perhaps you know you could benefit from couples’ therapy. There are a few kinks you need to work out about your views and goals. You’d really like to dedicate some time to getting on track with those things before getting married.
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You don’t live together
You were trying to do the whole traditional thing and not live together before marriage, but now that marriage is imminent, the reality is hitting you that you won’t know what it’s like to cohabitate with this person until you’re legally bound to him.
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You could use solo therapy
Perhaps you still have some personal work to do. You’re almost there, but you still have some wounds to heal from past traumas—even past relationships. You feel your fiancé deserves an emotionally healed individual.
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You’ve been engaged before
Maybe it’s you who has been engaged before. And that didn’t go well. Were you left at the altar? Was your wedding called off at the last minute? Did you get engaged for the wrong reasons? Your muscle memory is telling you there’s a problem, again.
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Being happy scares you
Some people are afraid of being happy. Marrying someone means forming a union and really becoming family with that person. Marriage indicates a new level of happiness and happiness puts you at risk of pain and loss.
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Your attention has wandered
You aren’t proud of it, but your attention has wandered lately. You’ve had certain thoughts about other men. You’ve even accidentally flirted a bit. It could be because you’re with the wrong partner or it could be a symptom of some issues you and your partner need to work out. Either way, it has you feeling unsettled.
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You question his motives
You aren’t sure you trust his motives. You come from a lot of money or made a lot of money yourself. He needs a green card. He wants to piss off his family and marrying you would do that.
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It’s him or your career
You know, in your heart, that you’ll constantly have to choose between your career or this marriage. Your partner doesn’t fully support what you do. You don’t feel you can talk to him about it. You don’t feel you can give your career the attention it deserves, if you’re going to marry this man.
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Your circle has concerns
Your friends and family have their concerns. If that’s true, maybe you should, too. Your friends and family know you well.
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Marriage is a big deal
Look, don’t be too hard on yourself for having the jitters. Marriage is a big deal. Don’t immediately write off this engagement as bad because you’re worried. But do take a look inside yourself and see if any of these issues could be at work.
