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When you first become engaged, you obviously want people to be happy for you and take an interest in this big change in your life. You hope they’re excited about your engagement, and don’t say anything stupid or rude. You want to talk about how he popped the question (or how you popped it! Since that’s allowed, too!) And, when you do meet up with friends, you wouldn’t mind if they acknowledged that you’re in the middle of wedding planning, since that is a rather daunting task. But, that being said, sometimes, as a bride, it can feel like all eyes are on you, everyone has an opinion of how you should do things, everyone feels personally invested in the outcome of the wedding, and everyone is obnoxiously curious. If you’re friends of a bride-to-be, here are things she really wishes you’d stop asking.
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When’s the wedding?
That’s a complicated question with a complicated answer. Maybe her sister is getting married on a certain date and to be polite she’s waiting X amount of time but that pushes her wedding too close to another major holiday so….and so on and so forth. She’s stressed about it and doesn’t want to solve it with you, right now.
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Where’s the wedding?
This is also a complex question. There could be a lot of things playing into it. If she doesn’t know where it is yet, then drop the subject. Because yes, she’s already considered that venue and she’s already aware of the fact that if she doesn’t book it quickly, she could be stuck with her third choice.
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Can you have it here?
For goodness sake, she is not going to choose the geographical destination to make one person happy. Don’t make her feel bad if she has to take the wedding across country because most guests live there.
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Can I be the officiant?
That’s a rather major role and not really something you’re allowed to volunteer for. Even if you have a feeling the couple may ask you, just silently—humbly—wait to be asked. You make them feel terrible if you ask, and they say no.
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Can I be a bridesmaid?
All of the above about being an officiant applies to being a bridesmaid. And, admittedly, it’s easier for a bride to add extra bridesmaids—it’s not like there’s just one like the officiant. But you don’t want to be a bridesmaid out of pity. You’ll feel it and it’s awkward.
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Did you find a dress?
If she rapidly pulls up photos and is happy to show them, look at them. But if she hasn’t found a dress yet, don’t start listing the seamstress she should see, the way to get a better deal, the downtown fabric vendor where she should get lace from etc. It’s overwhelming and she’s already looking into it elsewhere.
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Did you call my recommendation?
If you give her a recommendation, great. But do not pressure her to use it. Don’t even pressure her to look into it. She doesn’t want to feel like she has homework now.
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Did you look at this website?
Yes, she knows you have all sorts of website recommendations. She’s probably overwhelmed with all the websites out there for creating save the date cards and publishing the itinerary for the wedding. If she says, “no” and doesn’t follow up with questions, she probably just doesn’t want to talk about it.
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Am I invited?
Oh no, no, no. Asking that is tres taboo. Keep in mind that, even if you hang a lot, her budget might be small. There may only be enough money for 75 guests, both her and the groom have massive families, and so there’s really only space for maybe five friends each. You’re close but are you that close?
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Can I get a plus one?
So, you are invited. Don’t ask if you get a plus one. If you get one, you will know—it will say it on your official invitation. Asking the bride in person puts her in a tough spot if she knows you probably won’t get one.
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Are you nervous?
That’s just an annoying question to a bride. If she is nervous, and admits it, she feels people question her commitment to her partner. If she says she isn’t nervous, she feels she comes off cocky—marriage is a big deal, after all. Ask instead, “Are you excited?”
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Did you get this done yet?
Did you…get the flowers…reserve a band…find a bartender…? Don’t start reminding her of all the things she has to do. She either has done it or she hasn’t, but you asking her doesn’t change any of that.
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Did you negotiate this way?
Don’t get in her head about the ways she could have gotten a better price on something she already bought. What good does that do anyone?
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Can my friend be the DJ/cake maker/caterer?
Maybe you can get her to meet/test out your friend who is the DJ or has a catering company. But don’t ask her to hire them. This is her big day—not your opportunity to throw a friend a bone.
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Tell me all about the wedding
Ask her about something else. She’s probably tired of talking about the wedding.
