Are You Condescending Without Knowing It? - Page 6

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I had an incident recently when I introduced two friends whom I love to each other and the next day, one of them said to me, “I never want to hang out with that friend of yours again. She’s a bully.” Huh??? I didn’t understand. I don’t hang out with bullies! But, before I overreacted, told my friend she was wrong, and got defensive, I instead asked her to explain herself. As she began detailing the things my other friend had done and said, I felt so embarrassed. This person was right—my other friend had come off as a bully. She came off as quite condescending, really. But “came off as” are operative words there because I know she didn’t intend to make anyone feel bullied. She just has some hold habits and ticks that most of the world interprets as condescending. I’ve known her forever so, I was just used to them by now, but it can happen to anyone. Are you condescending without knowing it?

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You say, “For your information” a lot

You start a lot of sentences with, “For your information” or “Just so you know.” The implication behind this sentence is, “You’ll sound really stupid if you go any further in life without this knowledge I’m about to drop on you.”

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You explain simple things

You often explain rather simple concepts to people—concepts they probably understand. You probably just don’t want to assume someone understands something before moving forward with the conversation, but you come off as condescending. The best thing to say is, “Please stop me if I’m telling you something you already know” so you give them the benefit of the doubt that they might already know this.

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You change the topic often

If people are talking about something that bores you, you interrupt and change the subject. But, sometimes you just need to sit back and let people talk about what they want to talk about. It doesn’t matter that you think your new topic will intrigue everyone much more. The fact that you cut them off is condescending.

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You say, “You wouldn’t understand”

You might just say this in a hurry if someone asks what you’re upset about or what problem you’re dealing with. You don’t mean to say that they’re dumb but you just know there is a lot of backstory and context they’re missing.

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You show shock if someone is ignorant

You may need to work on your unintended body language, and that extends to facial expressions. If you discover someone doesn’t know something you think they should know, you may let the shock and disgust show on your face. But it isn’t their fault they didn’t know something.

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You give a lot of unsolicited advice

Think long and hard about this: when you give advice, is it asked for? Or do you just…give it? Do you assume people want your advice at any given moment? The harsh reality is that they do not. Unless someone asks for your advice, shoving it down their throats is condescending.

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You give the “one second” finger signal

If someone approaches you to talk and you’re mid-thought or mid-task, you hold up one finger to them to signal “One moment” without even looking at them. You’ll hold that finger in their face as long as you need to keep them quiet.

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You make someone wait rather than join the convo

If you’re talking to one person, and a third person walks up, rather than fill them in on the conversation and get them up to speed, you say, “We’re almost done here—one second.” You essentially ask them to wait in line to talk to you.

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You say “Actually” often

“Actually” is a favorite word of millennials and has become so overly used it hurts my ears. “Actually” implies right off the bat that what the person said was wrong and what you’re about to say is indisputably right.

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You make excuses for one’s ignorance

If someone is unaware of something, you make an insulting excuse for them. You may say something like, “It’s okay. You’re from fill in town they’re from here. Nobody expected you to know.”

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You take over someone’s speech

If someone is explaining something to a third party, and you think you could do a better job, you just cut the explainer off and say, “I’ll take it from here.”

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You won’t accept help

You will not accept help when you clearly need it. In a way, that’s your way of saying without saying, “You’ll just make things worse.”

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You call things “Cute”

You call things that someone worked very hard on—from their apartment to a spreadsheet—cute.

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People don’t want your help

If you notice that nobody wants your help—in fact, they go out of their way to conceal information from you regarding what they’re doing—it could be because your help comes with condescension.