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You want to know how so many women wind up in relationships with selfish partners? It’s because those men were only subtly selfish. Selfishness doesn’t always show its ugly face, clear as day, right away. In fact, sometimes selfishness masquerades as affection or playfulness. If a man, for example, calls you during your girls’ night and says, “Pleeeeeeeaase come over. Don’t you miss me? Don’t you love me? Do you really need to keep drinking with friends?” it can feel like aw he likes me so much and wants to be with me. But, actually, he’s disrespecting your girl time. He’s making you feel guilty for spending time with friends instead of him. He’s only asking himself what he wants in that moment and not what makes you happy or is best for you. See how subtle but true all of that was? And that’s how you find so many women in relationships with selfish babies. It was a slow burn. Here are subtly selfish things men do that add up.
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He doesn’t take your calls
When you call him to just pass the time on your drive to work, or to tell him something funny that just happened, he barely picks up. His excuse isn’t great—he was just watching TV or something like that but “Figured if it was important, you’d text.”
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But he expects you take all of his
While you can’t count on him to chat with you while you drive to work, he demands you do that for him. If he calls on his drive to work and you don’t answer, he calls multiple more times, and texts saying, “I’m bored call me!” He doesn’t put it together that he wouldn’t do the same for you.
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You spend time with his friends
If he tells you about his friend’s birthday party, you put it in your calendar. You consider it a priority. You hold that time for him. His friends know you well and you know them well.
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He barely sees yours
If you tell him about your friend’s birthday party, he doesn’t put it in his calendar. He subconsciously decides to go if nothing else comes up he’d rather attend—his excuse being it’s your friend. Meanwhile, if you pulled that same move on him, he’d get angry with you.
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All career talk is about them
You will talk to him about his career as long as he wants. You’ll let him bounce ideas off of you. You’ll encourage him when he feels down. You’ll review his business plan.
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He’s too tired to discuss your career
After you’re done talking about his career extensively, you’re excited because it should be your turn. You have ideas you want to discuss. But, oh, he’s tired…he’s going to bed. Or he’d like to just watch a movie now. He doesn’t think about reserving time and energy to talk about your career, too.
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Failing to properly plan
He always makes plans without talking to you about them. His justification is that you’re always invited or the people needed an RSVP ASAP.
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So you always do his thing
While it’s nice that you’re “always invited” to his things, what would really be nice is if, as a couple, you looked at your calendars together, considered the multiple invitations you’ve received, and agreed on how you’d plan your month—together.
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Choosing alone time over family time
When you invite him to dinner at your parent’s place or to go home with you for the weekend, he claims he’s exhausted. He claims he needs to get ahead on work. He just can’t do it.
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He wants you at his family events
Meanwhile, he’s very insistent you attend his family events. It feels flattering because it feels like he wants you as part of the family. But it’s unfair that he doesn’t make that effort with your family.
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Being too opinionated
When a man has a lot to say about a topic you’ve brought up, at first it can feel like oh nice he cares about he thing I care about. But you may find he just talks over you, takes over the conversation, and turns this into a lecture on his thoughts on the topic. It’s not a dialogue.
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He doesn’t invite you into the conversation
You can feel bulldozed, and realize he’s monopolized the conversation. He doesn’t leave openings for you to add your two cents. He doesn’t ask you what you think. He thinks every time someone brings up a topic, it’s an invitation for him to lecture. If a man cares about you, he should ask you questions.
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Being pushy about plans
You recommend a restaurant you want to go to, and he lists all the things wrong with it, and why this other one will be much better. He’s compelling. And, in a way, it feels like he just really cares about the date night going well.
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What about making you happy?
Your partner should, at least sometimes, just go where you want to go. Even if he thinks he has a better idea. It’s a part of compromising. You could argue to the death about which restaurant in town is the best. Sometimes, the important thing is going with the flow.
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Taking over your celebration
Sure, he takes you to dinner to celebrate your promotion. That’s what the dinner is technically for. But somehow, the conversation winds up being about him. You clink your glasses to your promotion, and then it’s back to a regular (i.e. all about him) conversation.
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You should be the focus
On a night that’s about you, you should be the focus. If your partner cannot let you have the spotlight on the night of your celebration, he probably never will.
