Right And Wrong Ways To Discuss Your Exes With Your Man - Page 3

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It goes without saying that you shouldn’t discuss exes with first dates or brand new partners. Let the beginning of a relationship be a magical time that’s free of baggage and war stories. It’s important that, in the beginning, your new partner feels he has your complete attention and you’re in no way bogged down by the past. That’s how new relationships should be. But, the reality is that if you are with someone for several years, it’s unreasonable to think you’ll never mention the people who came before this partner. They are a part of your history. They are literally a part of the stories and experiences you lived for a while. You just can’t pluck them out of existence. They will come up. And, when you are comfortable and confident in your relationship, it can even be healthy to discuss how you grew and evolved in past relationships. But there are rules. Here are the right and wrong ways to discuss exes with your partner.

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Tone down compliments

Your ex clearly had some good attributes—if he didn’t, you wouldn’t have dated him. But when you mention these, you can say them in a calm, controlled way. You don’t need to say, “He was such a smart guy. Oh my god seriously, he was a genius.” You can stick with, “He was intelligent.”

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Infrequently. Very infrequently

One Golden rule to follow is this: don’t talk about exes often. Really—no matter how good a story you have to tell that involves the ex, ask yourself how long it’s been since the last time you mentioned your ex. If it’s been less than two weeks, skip it.

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Don’t detail fights with the ex

Don’t get into details about fights with the ex. Your current partner doesn’t need a full he said/she said play-by-play. It already sucks living those in his own relationship. He doesn’t need to re-live anybody else’s.

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Leave him out of vacation stories

It’s very possible that your current partner will want to do some of the same things you and your ex did, like travel to Cabo or visit a certain museum. You have insider tips on these experiences because you did them with the ex. However, you don’t need to mention the ex in every anecdote about those experiences. Just saying, “We should visit this café—I went before, it’s great” is enough. Adding “My ex got the lasagna and loved it” won’t be necessary.

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No sex details.

Don’t talk about your sex life with the ex. Just don’t do it. You may think your relationship is strong enough to handle it. It is not. No relationship is. There is certain biological programming within your partner that cannot stand to listen to this.

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Wealth can be left out of it

Whether the ex was extremely wealthy or rather broke, you don’t need to tell your current partner about that. It will only spark feelings of insecurity around his own financial situation.

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Discuss what you’ve learned

One great thing you can take from discussing exes is expressing what you learned from past relationships. It can actually be nice to hear your partner say that he learned the importance of…being loyal, taking an interest in his partner’s friends, or whatever else he learned.

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Don’t reveal your techniques

You and I both know that, through your exes, you learned certain, let’s say, techniques that help relationships go smoothly. For example, you’ve learned when a man is in a terrible mood over something unrelated to you—his sports team lost, his coworker disrespected him—it’s best you just walk away and occupy yourself until he gets over it. You don’t need to tell him you’re, “Walking away until you get over this.”

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Try not to discuss appearance

Avoid talking about what your ex looked like. If you say he was attractive, then your partner will worry he’s less attractive. If you mention physical flaws about the ex, then your current partner will worry you notice flaws in him. There’s no winning here.

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If you must discuss appearance, be neutral

If you must must talk about your ex’s appearance (for some silly reason), keep it neutral. Height, hair color, general features—that’s it. Don’t say handsome. Don’t say striking. Don’t even say attractive.

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Don’t let the conversation drag on

It’s easy to get pulled into a vacuum when talking about exes. When you talk to your friends about past relationships, it can go on for hours. But your boyfriend is not your friend. Well, he is—and he should be—but he’s also the person with whom you have sex, so don’t talk to him about your exes the way you do with platonic friends. Keep it brief.

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Understand sex is cancelled

Just so you know, it’s very rare that a couple have sex on the night of discussing exes. Even if talking about exes didn’t spark any sort of fight, it just feels weird to have sex after discussing one another’s past partners, in detail.

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Practice patience when he talks

Listening is also a part of these conversations. Even though your instincts may tell you to get angry the moment your partner mentions an ex, try to hold that in. If you can share about your exes, so can he. And really, if you swallow that unexplained anger, you’ll notice it just…goes away. And it’s so much better than getting into a fight over nothing.

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Reassure your partner he won’t be an ex

At the end of the conversation, make sure to put a little bow on things by saying, “I’m just so glad I met you so I can stop adding exes to the pile and just be with the person who is right for me.”