Why Dumping Him So He'll Win You Back Is Dumb
Dumping Him So He’ll Win You Back Is Dumb
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A friend of mine just got dumped after being with his girlfriend for over six years. I asked him the other day how he was doing and he said, “Well, I was doing okay until my ex called me, mad at me for not trying to get her back.” Whaaat??? I was very confused. She ended things. My poor friend was just over here trying to survive this heartbreak and do what he can to get back on his feet. He’s trying to cope with the reality that this person is out of his life forever, and he’s trying to put on a strong front while doing it, and then he gets hit with that—excuse my French—bullsh*&? “So…she essentially broke up with you, hoping it would motivate you to make a bunch of changes to win her back?” I asked. “Yup,” he responded. I sort of lost respect for his ex after hearing that. Those are some childish mind games that we’re too old for. Here’s why dumping him so he’ll win you back is a dumb idea.
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It’s petty
It’s really very petty. It’s indirect, dishonest, manipulative, calculating, and conniving. Those are all things we should try to be less of as we get older.
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Where’s the communication?
What ever happened to communicating to someone what your needs and wants are while you’re together, and giving them a chance to make changes within a relationship? Ending things when they aren’t perfect, and hoping the person just goes out and perfects himself so you’ll take him back is immature. People should have the chance to work on themselves within the relationship.
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Or, if he already had a chance, nothing will change
Now, I understand that sometimes women do tell their partners they need them to change, give them that chance to change, and the change just…doesn’t happen. Okay, so then you just break up. That should be it. If they weren’t going to change within the relationship when they had the chance they aren’t going to change now that you’ve dumped them.
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He may not realize it
For the record, no man is going to put it together than you want him to try to win you back. Most men will think, “Okay so…that chapter of my life is over.”
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If he realizes it, it could anger him
If your ex is smart enough to put two and two together, he may just get mad at you. Wouldn’t you be upset if someone played that game on you? The mere fact that you’ve done this could make him glad you’re no longer together.
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Grand gestures aren’t sustainable
Let’s say this guy does make a bunch of grand gestures and act as the model boyfriend to get you back. Just to be clear, he won’t do that forever. It’s the small gestures that count in a relationship, and this guy will continue to drop the ball on those.
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He may sleep with someone else
Since he is living with the understanding that he is single (because he is), he may just go and have sex with someone new to ease the pain of the breakup. That would throw a difficult wrench in your plan.
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You may sleep with somebody else
Hey, temptation exists all around. You may, in a moment of weakness, think you may as well get that one hookup in while you can—before getting back with the ex. But that will also upset him and he won’t want you back.
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It really bothers your friends
Your friends are so annoyed, by the way. They don’t want to listen to you talk about this breakup because it’s hardly a real breakup. Well, it is to your ex. But it’s not to you? It’s confusing. How are they to respond?
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He should work for what he has
A man should want to make an effort to keep a woman while he has her. He may put in an effort, if you dump him, to get you back but that won’t turn him into the type of man who appreciates what he has when he has it.
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It’s mean
Breakups hurt a lot. It’s mean to make someone go through that pain, if you don’t fully intend to stay broken up (but aren’t telling him that).
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Not all men self-reflect
Not all men are sharp enough to self-reflect and even know what they’d have to do to get you back or what they’d have to do differently to keep you.
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He may realize he likes the freedom
This man may just realizes that he likes not having to put in effort to make you happy and now being free of all the fighting that came with his laziness. He may realize he prefers to be single. Whoops…there goes your plan.
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If you lived together…
If you pull this trick when you live with someone, what a mess. What will you do? Go live on a friend’s couch until the very vague and unspecified date on which your ex (who doesn’t even know he should be winning you back) wins you back? Or, if he moves out, he may go sign a new lease and if you get back together, you can’t live together again for a while. It’s a disaster. It’s irresponsible.
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He won’t trust you again
If you do get back together, he’ll never trust another threat again. You’ve used up all your leverage. You can’t threaten to leave him if he acts this or that way—he doesn’t believe the breakup would be real.
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