How Newly Married Parents Neglect Their First Kids
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Families come in all shapes and sizes these days. You have blended families, which come with their own complications, divorced families, same-gender parent families, and more. There is one type of family, however, that poses some very sensitive complications. If someone who has children, gets a divorce, marries someone new, and has more children with that new spouse, things can get tricky. The new set of children is the half-siblings of the original set. The original set, by the way, feel that way—like the originals. Even though all the children are technically related, and they share a parent, they just don’t bond instantly the way full siblings do. Not to mention that, the shared parent’s attention can naturally be more on the younger, second set of children because they just need more of it. It’s never easy on anybody, but if you are the parent who has remarried and had a new set of children with your second spouse, just be careful not to neglect your original children in these ways.
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Holidays are split
If the original kids live with the other parent, they still want to see both parents for major holidays. But their remarried parent might spend these holidays with her new family, and her younger, second set of children. That leaves her original children feeling like they miss out on major, special times together.
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How to fix it
If you can get everyone—your ex, your spouse, and all children—to get along, try to talk them into having a joint holiday. You could all pick a midway point between where you live, rent a house, and be together. If you cannot do this, then be sure to visit your first set of children very near the holiday. Do something special with them. Take them on a small trip or plan a very special day.
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Gift budgets decline
Gift budgets naturally decline a little bit. When you have twice as many children to buy birthday and holiday gifts for, you can’t go all out the way you once did.
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How to fix it
If they’re around, you can get help from the grandparents. You can all pool your money and give your kids something really special. But also remember that, as your kids get older, all that will really matter to them is spending time with you. If you put aside a day or two to be with them for their birthdays and holidays, they’ll forget about expensive gifts (just do keep gift prices fair amongst all kids).
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One-on-one time goes down
There is only so much of you to go around, so one-on-one time with your original set of children declines. Maybe you used to do something special with them once a week, or you’d tuck them in each evening. Now you don’t do that.
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How to fix it
You can’t clone yourself, so you will have to nurture that relationship between your first set of children and your second set. Take everyone on family trips. Have the kids share a room. Have them share tasks, like washing your car or tidying up the garage. Make them feel like a team, rather than opposing teams.
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Missing special events
You cannot be at every single recital, graduation, and show. Between your various sets of children, there are a lot of these. Since your first set of kids also have their father to be there, you may dedicate more of your time to your second set’s events.
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How to fix it
Once a month or so, get everyone together for a big dinner to celebrate everybody’s recent accomplishments. Make sure that whichever parent was present at events took photos and videos, so you can share these at the dinner, and make each child feel recognized for their accomplishments, all over again. Just because you can’t be at the recital, doesn’t mean you can’t throw a dinner in its honor.
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Crisis bandwidth diminishes
You can only handle so many crises at once. If one teen is going through her first heartbreak, another got put in detention, and another got caught drinking underage, you only have so much parenting to give out.
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How to fix it
You’ll need to bring in your village for this one, so hopefully you’ve built a good one. Your siblings, your best friends, the neighbors you trust—remember that you have people who can help, and are happy to mentor your children. In fact, sometimes kids respond better to adults who aren’t their parents when it comes to sensitive matters like drugs and sex.
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The new family may get more
By the time you have your second set of children, you may be more established in your career. That means you may be able to raise them in a house much larger than your first kids grew up in. You may be able to send them to an expensive private high school, while your other kids never got that.
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How to fix it
You cannot change the past, but you can treat your older kids so they feel that they also benefit from the wealth. Does one need help with the deposit on an apartment? Or a cosigner on a car? Your newly elevated status and income can still help your older kids.
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The new family has more stability
If things didn’t work out with your first spouse, then that means, naturally, your children may have grown up in a turbulent home. They heard you and your partner fighting a lot towards the end. It was rough. Your second set of children grows up in a more peaceful home, which can make your first kids feel like they were cheated.
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How to fix it
It is so important that you maintain a relationship with your ex—your first childrens’ father. They deserve to feel as if their biological parents do work together as a team—just like you’re working together with your new spouse.
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Know that it won’t be perfect
There is no point in brooding over the way things could have been. Remember that, while this situation is hard, it would have been even harder for your children if you’d stayed in your first unhappy marriage, and had them witness your fights forever. Know that one day, your first set of children and second set may be friends, and they may love that they have such a large family they can depend on. Your kids will grow up, become adults, and realize that this was a struggle for you, too.
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