How To Get Better At Setting Boundaries

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Setting boundaries and respecting them are two of the most powerful skills you can learn in life. A lot of your personal, financial, and professional problems could probably be boiled down to some boundary issue. I can give you an example. I won’t name names but, let’s just say that one of my family members is romantically involved with a very toxic person. That family member wants me to have a relationship with his toxic partner, but being around her leaves me feeling depressed, anxious, and angry. For so long, I wanted to make my family member happy, so I tried to make an effort to spend time with his partner. But you know what? I had to set a boundary. I won’t be around that person’s toxic partner anymore. He chose her, and that’s fine if he wants that toxicity in his life. But I don’t have to allow it into mine. The solution there, as you can see, wasn’t breaking those two people up—it was setting my own boundary. So many problems can be solved by setting boundaries. Here are things to remember, as you strive to set more boundaries.

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Remember someone else can help

You aren’t the only person in the world who can help this friend move, or find this friend a job, or babysit that family member’s child. If you’re at your wit’s end and helping this person will put you over the edge, remember she can just ask someone else.

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Only give if you can afford to

Before you give your time, money, or even emotions (let’s say, but letting a heartbroken friend vent to you for two hours) ask yourself if you can afford it. If helping this person will actually leave you in a deficit of money/time/emotions, then you cannot afford it. Your friend, colleague, or family member has to understand that.

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You actually help others by saying, “No”

Sometimes, you actually strengthen someone else by saying no to their request. Ask yourself if this person is only seeking your help because she isn’t willing to put in the work to do it herself—whatever that work may be. If that’s the case, and she could help herself if she’d just put in the effort, then say no. You’ll help her in the long run.

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Reserve a little energy for yourself

Just because you have one last little bit of energy left to give, doesn’t mean that you should give it. When you truly feel exhausted and drained, and like doing one more thing for someone else will leave you spent, reserve your energy for yourself.

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Ask if you’re enabling them

You may just be enabling someone by helping them. Is it a family member asking for money, who proves to be financially irresponsible, over and over again? Is it a friend asking to move in, who repeatedly gets kicked out of apartments because she is disrespectful of her roommates? You don’t actually help these individuals by enabling them.

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Know resentment won’t help the relationship

If saying yes to a request will actually leave you resentful of the asker, then say no. Most people would rather you don’t do them a favor, if it’s going to put a strain on the relationship.

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If they have money, let them use it

Sometimes, it’s okay to take a simple approach to things. If the friend asking you to move is actually swimming in money and could easily afford to hire movers, then keep your precious Sunday afternoon to yourself. She can pay for someone to move her stuff.

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A real no is better than a fake yes

Let’s say you tell someone she is welcome to your holiday party, even though you don’t like this person and don’t want to pursue a friendship. That’s just a fake yes. But a real no is always better then a fake yes. Don’t set someone’s expectations up when you don’t plan on delivering. You’ll only ignore this person if she’s at your party. It’s better to give a real no.

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Always saying yes is not sustainable

Accelerate things in your mind: what will happen if you continue to always say yes? You’d wind up broke, with no personal space, and probably very emotionally unstable. Why? You will have let everyone take everything from you. That’s a scary reality, isn’t it? Perhaps scary enough to encourage you to create boundaries.

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Rejection won’t kill anybody

I know that rejecting someone feels bad. And, when you reject someone, he or she may face that in some unhealthy ways. But, ultimately, rejection won’t kill anyone. Turning someone down for a date, declining to pursue a friendship, or not giving an unqualified individual the job, won’t kill that person. It will just feel bad for a little bit.

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Would this person do it in return?

Ask yourself if this person would do the same in return for you? We should really only give energy to those who give us energy back. Your relationships should be symbiotic and not parasitic.

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People who pressure you don’t care about you

So you’re afraid that if you say no, the person will pressure you and make you feel bad. Good riddance to that person. Anyone who would pressure you into doing something you’re saying you can’t do or wouldn’t be good for you doesn’t care about you. So that’s the last person you should help, anyways.

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You’ve accepted others’ boundaries, right?

Do you worry that, by setting boundaries, you’ll make people like you less? Well, think about people who have set up boundaries that you had to obey. You didn’t like them less. In fact, you respect them.

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Know you must help yourself to help others

Remember that in order to help others that you must be in good shape—emotionally, physically, and financially. If helping someone puts your wellbeing at risk, then you’re reducing your ability to help others in the future.

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Know some will take and take and take

You have to understand that some people will take advantage of the fact that you don’t set boundaries. They will take and take unless you put a stop to it. You can’t expect others to set your boundaries for you.