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You can’t make a relationship work with a man who has emotional baggage. You can try and try, but it will feel like trying to get blood from a stone. People with unattended emotional baggage need to put up a lot of walls and set a lot of limitations in order to keep themselves safe from facing that baggage. They aren’t free to feel all of their feelings, let alone communicate all of them. Something from their past—a romantic relationship, or perhaps their childhood—hurt them so deeply that, the prospect of healing those wounds was too much to bear. So instead of trying to heal them, they just find ways to constantly run away. They get great at avoidance. And they’re free to do that alone, but once someone who is living a life of avoidance ropes someone else into a romantic relationship, things get tricky. One emotionally open person and one with baggage just can’t be happy together (because, well, the latter isn’t happy at all). Here are signs he has emotional baggage.
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Some topics are off limits
There are certain topics he’ll never discuss, like his father, his childhood, or a past romantic relationship. When you bring them up, he becomes angry and shuts down for hours (or days). He has explicitly asked that you not talk to him about those.
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He sets rules
He has a long set of little rules he makes, in order to keep him feeling safe. It starts with small things, like, asking you to text every hour and extends to big things like, asking you to spend less time with your best friends. He’s shutting you into his small world where he feels safe.
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He’s uncomfortable with your emotions
If you show emotions—like if you cry after a fight with a friend or are very sad after a career letdown—he becomes noticeably stiff and awkward. He doesn’t know how to console you. He can only offer practical help like, a glass of water or looking over your resume that didn’t get you the job.
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He barely discusses his emotions
He never offers up information about how he’s feeling. He will list facts, but he won’t discuss his emotions. If something clearly upsetting has happened and you ask how he feels about it, he just starts telling you the practical steps he’s going to take to fix it.
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He has inexplicable mood swings
He can be very hot and cold. He’ll suddenly shrug off your affection, be very short in his answers, and seem decidedly angry. Then…he’ll just bounce back as if nothing happened.
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He needs to be alone a lot
He needs a lot of alone time. Alone time is important in a relationship, but he requires an excessive amount of it. And he often takes it at inconvenient times, like during your best friend’s birthday party or when your mother is visiting.
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Comments about the past are triggering
If his friends or family mentioned something about the past—just a small detail—he completely shuts down. He becomes irritable. He stops talking the rest of the night. He might even want to go home early.
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You feel you’re being compared
You can feel that you’re always being compared to some ghost. When you receive a compliment, it doesn’t feel like it just exists on its own. You aren’t just so generous—but you get the sense he’s saying you’re more generous than someone else was.
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He shuts down when you’re angry
He won’t participate in relationship arguments. If you become angry with him, he shuts down. He leaves and says he’ll come back when you’re done being angry. He leaves you to just get over things on your own but he won’t be a part of the conversation.
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He’s vindictive
He has a vindictive personality. He seeks ways to make the lives of others (perhaps of an ex) difficult, even though he won’t gain anything from doing so.
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He has an unhealthy vice
He has an addiction. He has a vice with which he has an unhealthy relationship. You get the sense, perhaps, that he drinks too much and that when he does, his demons come out.
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His stories don’t add up
His stories about his past are inconsistent and don’t add up. He’s likely leaving out major parts of stories—the parts that are related to his baggage.
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He’s codependent
He has a codependent personality. It may not be on you—in fact, he could be too afraid to be codependent on a girlfriend—but it could be on a family member or friend. He’s obsessed with being in touch with them. He gets angry at the tiniest, imperceptible slight by them.
via GIPHY
He picks fights with other men
He is a grown man who still picks physical fights with other men, or attempts to intimidate other men for doing something silly like cutting him in line at a bar. He feels, on a deep level, very weak so he finds futile ways to assert strength.
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His outlook is bleak
His general outlook on life is actually rather bleak. He assumes things won’t go his way. He takes things the wrong way a lot. He is suspicious, and believes people generally have selfish intentions. He’s clearly cynical.
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