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I’ll have to admit that sometimes even I am guilty of these useless and even immature communication tactics. They’re not communication tactics at all, really, because the nature of true communication means saying exactly what you mean with the appropriate corresponding tone, and medium of message. But sometimes, when our emotions get the best of us, we aren’t really looking for an open dialogue; we are looking to monopolize a conversation, vent, project, and lash out. That’s when we can turn to some, um, alternative forms of expressing our feelings. Men and women tend to communicate a bit differently. We can certainly meet on middle ground, but women are just more intuitive and perhaps better at interpreting emotions. We expect men to be the same but…sometimes they aren’t, which leaves them at a loss when we use these communication tactics.
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Leading questions
“Hey, have you noticed that we’re never out of toilet paper? Have you ever thought about where it comes from?” I don’t know why but, it can be fun for us to watch men piece information together in front of our eyes. But it’s a bit patronizing.
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Just say what you mean
The dude never buys toilet paper. He needs to start contributing to the TP supply in the house. That’s it. When someone asks you rather dumb, leading questions, it can feel like they’re treating you like a child. Making your man answer leading questions is condescending. Just give him the ultimate answer to this string of insulting questions.
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Traps
“If you think that going to your friend’s birthday trip in Vegas is more important than being at my parents’ anniversary party then who am I to tell you where your priorities should lie?”
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Don’t set men up to fail
I get it: you want your partner to want to stay for your parents’ anniversary party. The thing is that, he doesn’t. Who would want to do that over a fun trip to Vegas? Even you’d rather go to Vegas! Fortunately, what your partner does want is to make you happy. So just tell him what would do that. If skipping the Vegas trip to make you happy makes him happy, then that’s enough. He doesn’t have to be thrilled about the anniversary party.
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Silence that begs prying
Your partner did something wrong. You’re not telling him what that is. Instead, you’re saying very little at all—answering his questions with one-word answers—until he finally asks if something is wrong. Even then, you say, “What would be wrong?” rather than telling him.
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Grow up and speak up
In any relationship, whether it’s with a boyfriend, roommate, or friend, if you don’t tell the person what he did wrong then you have to suffer the fact that he may repeat it. Nobody can read minds. It’s always on you to speak up when someone has upset you. Then it’s on that person to remedy it. But it’s never anyone’s responsibility to read your mind. Being angry until he does is petty and immature.
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Airing it out with friends
You’re all having a nice time—you, your boyfriend, and another couple—over dinner and drinks. Then slowly but surely, you start making snide remarks about something your partner did. It’s uncomfortable. You’re laughing, but everyone can tell you’re actually upset. Meanwhile, this is the first time your partner is even learning of his mistake.
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He doesn’t deserve a judge and jury
Don’t air out your grievance with your partner around other people. First off, it ruins the night for everyone, which is selfish on your part. And second off, it’s unfair to make your partner make apologies or try to understand what he did wrong in front of a jury. If you’re too angry with your partner to go on a double date and behave yourself, then reschedule the date, and have your fight—in private.
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Nasty jokes
You’re a very witty individual. You can make some rather cutting jokes. And, you use these to try to communicate your grievances to your partner. Maybe you make a few jokes about whom you’d cheat on him with, if you cheated, because you feel like he’s been taking you for granted lately.
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Jokes block communication
If you are making jokes about something, you are closing off the possibility of a real conversation. You’re just lashing out, but you aren’t creating an open forum in which your partner feels he can address what you’re saying. If you’re upset, you need to admit that you’re upset—don’t only sort of let it slip out through jokes. Your partner can’t address this while you’re joking.
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A lot of “I feel” statements
“I feel like you obviously flirt with that coworker and I feel like everyone knows you’re cheating on me and I feel like you’re a narcissist.”
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Be clear on what a feeling is
So, happy and sad are feelings. Accusatory statements are not feelings. Don’t use the “I feel” setup to say whatever nasty things you want, assuming your partner can’t argue with your feeling.
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Lecturing
You have a well-written argument, full of poignant accusations, that you’ve spent a lot of time perfecting. You want your partner to sit down, while you stand over him—like a professor or even detective—and say your speech.
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Lectures are unfair
Lecturing someone does not create an environment in which people feel that they can speak up, have an open dialogue, answer your statements, or just generally have a conversation. Don’t get so formal and dramatic about it. You should both be seated. You should leave room for your partner to speak. Don’t monologue for 20 minutes.
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Only texting
He tries to call you, because he knows you’re upset. You don’t answer, and just text back to say you aren’t ready to talk about it. But then, you follow up with a series of texts talking about it.
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Texts are for teens
Relationship disputes deserve real conversations. That means either in person or at the very least over the phone, using your voices. If you’ll only text your partner, you don’t give him the opportunity to fully communicate his feelings using tone and facial expressions. It’s very limiting and will only drag the fight out longer.
