Gettyimages.com/Shot of a young woman suffering from stomach cramps in her bedroom
I am bloated more often than not and I’m not being dramatic. In fact, I might have only a handful of days a month during which I’m not totally bloated. I have to adjust my life around the uncomfortable condition. Friends will tell me, “You don’t look bloated at all!” but that’s just because I’ve already taken several precautions to keep people from seeing my bulging belly. I don’t want to sound like a crybaby but, sometimes it feels really unfair—having to deal with bloat every day. I know there are worse things in life but the truth is that, if it weren’t for my bloat, I’d actually have a figure that was pretty easy on the eyes. I even have a toned stomach under this bloat but nobody can ever see it! I’m proud of my body. I eat healthy and exercise regularly. But I feel like it’s all for nothing if I’m always bloated. If you live with chronic bloat, then you’ve had these experiences.
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You have secret abs
As I mentioned before, you may actually have some nicely defined abs. You eat a healthy, lean diet and you do crunches. Your stomach muscles are in excellent shape but nobody can ever see that under your bloat! Ugh! It’s like you get no credit for all of those sit-ups.
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The need to make use of non-bloat days
On the rare day you find you have no bloat, you desperately need to make use of it. You try to find a way to get in a bathing suit or a crop top. You try to get your partner to see you naked as much as possible. This cannot go to waste.
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Girl on top positions are a NO
You’re just not doing girl on top positions with your partner. Maybe reverse cowgirl, when your stomach is pointing away from him, but that’s about it. You’d prefer to just be on your stomach, hiding the bloat.
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In fact, you have sex in the dark
You usually want to have sex in the dark so your partner can’t see your bloat. It’s not like you don’t think you have a banging body but the bloat just ruins everything. And when you’re naked, it’s out there for all to see.
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Bikinis must be worn with surrongs
You’re all about the surrong or the cute coverup. You’re not one of those women who just walks around in nothing but her bikini at the beach. You also like retro-style, high-waisted bikini bottoms that suck in your bloat.
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Bandage dresses? Yeah right
Those body-hugging, bandage dresses that are so popular among Kardashians and at nightclubs—yeah, you’re not wearing those. The tiniest bit of bloat looks exaggerated in those.
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It’s all about the empire waist
You’re all about the empire waist—it hugs your body just above where the bloat begins then flares out with generous, loose fabric.
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You can’t touch carbonated drinks
You don’t avoid beer because you’re high-maintenance or only enjoy pink girly cocktails. You actually like beer a lot but considering that your stomach’s default setting looks like you’ve already had three beers, you can’t touch the stuff. (But you drink it at home alone when you can wear stretchy pants).
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Morning is the best time for sex
The bloat only gets worse with each passing meal so if your partner wants some action, he’d better take you up on it in the morning.
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You must face forward in photos
You cannot turn to the side in photos. You don’t care that that’s what everyone else is doing in the photo. It doesn’t matter that that’s a thing the photographer is going for. You are facing forward or you’re not going to be in this photo.
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You want to pass gas
Most people hope they don’t pass gas but you hope you do. Each time you pass gas, you feel a little less bloated.
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You can feel healthy eating is pointless
Sometimes, when you choose the filet of sole with asparagus and your friend orders the pasta carbonara, you sit there and wonder, “What’s the point? I’m going to look like I ordered the pasta so I may as well get the pasta.”
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You’ve been mistaken for pregnant
You have, on occasion, been mistaken for pregnant. You’re not even overweight but your little bloated stomach stuck out so much that day that one could think you were in your second trimester.
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When other women say they’re bloated
When other women say they’re bloated because their stomach sticks out maybe half an inch, you can feel smoke coming out of your ears. These ladies don’t even know bloat.
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You wake up with hope
Every day you wake up with hope that maybe today will be the day you won’t be bloated. You try your anti-bloat routine of detoxifying tea. You make sure to handle your bathroom business properly. And still, after that, there’s that damned bloat.
