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So you’re marrying a foreigner. Half of my immediate family members have done the same. My mother is a foreigner. Her second husband—my stepfather—is a foreigner. And my sister is engaged to a foreigner. We have some rather international gatherings when we get together for the holidays and we have a lot of lost-in-translation moments when someone isn’t sure if they should be grateful, insulted, or just…laughing. I like having so many different cultures in my world. But I’ve also seen the little bumps in the road that come with marrying someone, in your native country, who comes from another country. In addition to all of the other struggles couples face, there is this additional layer of complication. Of course, when you love someone, it’s all worth it. Here’s what you should know if you’re marrying a foreigner.
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Humor can be lost in translation
People bond through laughter but sometimes, you don’t know that you’re supposed to laugh at what your partner—with his endearing accent—just said. Maybe he used the wrong word or he used a saying that only carries weight in his country but means nothing to you. You eventually get to know each other, language hiccups and all, so well that you laugh together a lot.
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Tone can sound meaner than it is
Any time someone speaks in a language that isn’t their first language, their tone can sound stiff. Unless they’ve been speaking it for decades and living in the place where that’s the native language, the individual is usually so focused on finding the right words that their tone comes out…not relaxed. Sometimes, you might feel like your partner is being rude or abrasive, but he just doesn’t have the fluidity with your language to soften things yet.
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Making couples friends is challenging
Not everyone is as willing to work through the language barrier and cultural difference as you are. It can be hard to make couples friends—harder than usual. You may find your couples friends don’t make as much effort to spend time with your foreign husband as they did with past boyfriends—partners who were from your country.
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Green card marriage whispers
Somebody will always start the rumor that this was a green card marriage. It can be hard for people to accept that someone is just…happy. Especially if they themselves are unhappy. This rumor is usually a reflection of the discontent happening in that person’s relationship.
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And foreign fantasy whispers
Then there will be friends and relatives who gossip to each other, saying you’re just fulfilling some fantasy to be with a foreigner. They say that this won’t last, and eventually you’ll wish you were with someone from your own country. It’s cruel—I know.
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Your culture might offend him
Cultural differences can cause some arguments. You have to understand that there are some things that to you, are completely normal and to your partner, are really insulting. My mom’s Swedish husband, for example, finds it rude that Americans ask each other, “How are you?” when they don’t intend to wait for a full, 20-minute answer.
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His culture might offend you
The flip side of the “How are you?” cultural norm I just mentioned is this: if you go into stores in other countries, the sales associates may not greet you at all. In many places, you simply don’t ask, “How are you?” unless you’re ready to sit down and really get into it.
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People can be condescending
Unfortunately, you may find some people—from cashiers at stores to servers at restaurants to your own friends—speak to your partner with a condescending tone. They think that just because English isn’t his first language that he isn’t as intelligent as they are.
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Put aside travel funds
Get ready to travel because your partner will want to go home at least once a year—if not several times a year. And you should visit his home, get to know his family, and experience what it’s like to be the foreigner. It just may cost you a couple grand each time.
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You may have a bilingual child
Your child will likely grow up bilingual, which is awesome. Just by having a foreign father, your kid will be ahead of the game on college applications from day one.
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Sometimes, he’ll feel lonely
Your partner will feel lonely sometimes. Living in a country that is not your native country can be very isolating. You just don’t have those simple, effortless interactions with people as you go about your day that native residents have. It can feel like there is always a wall between you and everyone else.
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Getting a job can be harder for him
Some employers don’t have the patience to hire someone from out of the country, and teach him about local business etiquette. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true.
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You translate for your friends
Even though your partner does speak English, you still have to translate what he meant to say to other people, a lot. Your friends and family aren’t around him nearly as much as you are so they don’t have that shorthand with him.
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He’ll find his group
Your partner will probably want to find his community, within your town. Maybe there is a local club for Spanish, Greek, or Czech individuals. It will actually be a lot of fun for you to go to events held by this club. You will feel like you get to experience a special slice of your town that nobody else does and your foreign husband is your ticket in.
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It will open you up
You’ll find that having a foreign husband opens you up a lot. It makes you more empathetic, more patient, and more open-minded. It will give you a better sense of humor. It will also show you some of the weak or blind points your own culture has about other cultures.
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