Gettyimages.com/Young entrepreneur pitching her business ideas at a meeting in a co-working space.
I’ve turned a corner recently in my social and professional life that’s been very liberating: I’m done with being polite just for the sake of avoiding conflict. In fact, I will go out of my way to be a little more difficult when I’m in the presence of someone who I can tell was relying on my being polite and submissive—and was taking advantage of that. For too long, people have just assumed women will put being polite above all else. But just because we can be nurturing and empathetic doesn’t mean that we have to smile and nod when we hear or see something that does not make us smile on the inside. Men expect us to be polite when they misbehave; let’s show them they aren’t safe anymore. Here are times women feel obligated to be polite but shouldn’t.
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“You’re too pretty to…”
While on the surface it sounds like a compliment, it’s derogatory and condescending. I told a joke recently that made a man laugh but then he said, “You’re too pretty to be funny.” I told him that if being unattractive was a requirement for being funny then he looked like he must be hilarious.
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“Other women are like that—no offense”
Actually, yes offense. I’m done with men talking about the negative stereotypes they brush women with, and trying to get away with it by saying, “Not you—other women.” I’m a woman. I stand with those women. So yes, offense is taken. If you wouldn’t be comfortable saying it to me then don’t say it about other women around me.
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When we’re interrupted
Why should I make a point not to interrupt the person who just interrupted me? When someone interrupts me, I’ve started to interrupt right back and say, “I wasn’t done—you interrupted me. As I was saying…”
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When given a job that isn’t ours
Like grabbing coffee for the potential partner the CEO is meeting with or sitting with that person’s child during the meeting. Unless my job title includes office assistant/daycare/coffee maker, I’m not doing those things. But I’m happy to direct someone to the appropriate individual for that task.
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When people aren’t listening
Does it feel demanding to point out when someone isn’t listening and ask that they get off their phone/look away from their laptop for a moment? Yup. But who says I can’t demand attention?
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When a partner disregards your pleasure
Nope. All set with that behavior! Men get to finish like every time. They have no idea what it’s like to be a woman who is left unsatisfied most of the time. If a man is in the habit of finishing before I do, and then saying he’s too tired to help me, then he won’t be seeing me again. Or if he is, we’re handling my pleasure first.
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When a coworker is cranky
I’ve noticed that coworkers believe they can bring their personal matters to work and take them out on the females in the office. We’re compassionate and empathetic, so we’ll totally understand if you’re rude to us because your marriage isn’t going well, right? Wrong! I will tell someone that whatever has him acting like that—he needs to leave that at home.
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Chatting beyond the professional realm
Ladies, did you know that you don’t need to chat with a person with whom you have a purely professional relationship about anything other than work? That’s right. You don’t need to entertain their little chitchat about…whatever. You’re within your rights to say, “I’d like to stick to discussing the purpose of this meeting.”
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Laughing at a misogynist joke
This is a backward, sneaky way men try to subject us to listening to and even approving of misogyny—adding, “Just kidding” to a comment. Well, I’m not laughing so you can just sit with this uncomfortable silence, bro.
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Laughing at any joke
We’re actually not obligated to laugh at men’s jokes. Maybe it hurts their egos when we don’t but, something tells me that their egos are doing just fine.
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When asked to provide free therapy
Because women can be inherently nurturing, some coworkers think it’s okay to come crying to us about their breakups or fights with their roommates. They even think maybe we’ll cut them some slack for, well, slacking off due to their personal issues. But we aren’t obligated to provide a shoulder to cry on or free therapy to our professional associates.
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Hearing a boss’ personal business
When your boss is going on about trying to make his partner happy in bed, you’re actually well within your rights to say, “I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to listen to this.”
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Receiving unsolicited male attention
We don’t have to say thank you when a man tells us we have pretty eyes, or that our top flatters us. Unless that’s your romantic partner, you don’t have to appear thrilled to receive unsolicited male attention. In fact, you can say, “Nobody asked you.”
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Listening to inappropriate talk
The excuse “Boys will be boys” doesn’t pass with me anymore. If men think I’m too serious or “Can’t take a joke” that’s fine with me. I don’t care about impressing them by passively approving of misogyny. Men who talk disrespectfully about women are the last people whose approval I want.
