Gettyimages.com/Bride with boxing gloves
No wedding is ever simple—not even the simple ones. Even emotionally stable, humble, reasonable couples who start with the best intentions of an easy wedding find themselves going crazy, getting into fights with their family, and feeling completely bulldozed by everyone. The thing is that your big day is not your big day. Your parents want to feel that their family traditions are represented—your fiance’s parents want the same thing. And what of that 100-year-old grandma who lives a five-hour plane ride away? Shouldn’t you bring the whole wedding to her town so she can see it? She shouldn’t have to fly. Oh, and a lot of your relatives are gluten intolerant so you’ll just have to serve gluten-free food at your wedding even though you’re not gluten-intolerant. See how things get out of hand, fast? Here are things brides wish they could say out loud.
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We should just elope
That’s a thought that will cross a bride’s mind time and time again during the wedding process. Everyone involved will just make her so d*mn mad that, just to spite them, she’ll consider running off, eloping, and leaving them out of the whole thing.
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Can we ban this person from speaking?
Can’t someone just tell that one guest that he’s not allowed to give a speech? Please? He doesn’t know the rules of wedding toasts. I understand he’s sensitive and he thinks he’s especially good at public speeches but he’s going to kill the vibe.
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I don’t like half the guest list
We’re spending $75 a plate on all of these people whom I don’t really like that much? In real life, I wouldn’t even want to make time for one lunch date a year with them, and we’re inviting them to the open bar.
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I don’t care that it’s far for you
If everyone could stop commenting on how the location of the destination is inconvenient for them, that’d be great. Believe it or not, the location was chosen for special reasons—it wasn’t picked at random and it was not picked to upset you.
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You can find your own hotel
Look, we’ll block off some rooms at a place or two but for goodness sakes people—you have the Internet. If you don’t like the price of the place we blocked off then, find somewhere else to stay. The bride is not a travel agent.
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Your childcare is not my problem
Yes, the bride understands that you need to find a babysitter if you’re going to attend the wedding. But, um, is this literally the first time you’ve ever had to find a babysitter? Because a lot of the guests with kids are acting like it is.
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Plus ones are mostly mooches
I can’t believe I’m feeding and giving alcohol to so many people I’ve never met, or met once. That cousin’s live-in girlfriend, that ex step-uncle’s new wife. I bet they just love mooching at weddings.
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That’s a terrible idea
The polka band, the baby photos on all the tables, the college mascot theme—they’re all terrible ideas. Please stop giving me your ideas because it’s awkward for me to respond to them.
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My toast to my parents is phony
In my speech, I’ll make my parents sound like saints. In reality, my dad didn’t give me as much money for this wedding as he promised me he would because his new wife is a gold digger who wanted to keep that money for her self. But yeah—my parents are perfect angels.
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Yes, that’s what we’re doing for the bachelorette
Because it’s what I want to do and I’m the bride. I’m sorry if you don’t like the hot weather in Palm Springs or if you’re not into camping. But this is not your bachelorette party. No, I don’t need your ideas of something else to do.
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If you can’t afford it, don’t come
If you cannot afford to attend the bachelorette party, just say so, and don’t come. Don’t start trying to edit the plans to fit your budget. Don’t start polling the other women to see if they, too, find it too expensive.
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I want the sash, the penis straws, and all
I secretly hope you go all out and embarrass me and make a whole spectacle of the bachelorette party. I want the sash, the cheesy veil, the penis straw, the shot glass that says “Bride” and the whole thing.
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Whose wedding is this anyways?
I honestly cannot believe how many people have let me know how this or that aspect of my wedding affects them. The delusion and self-involvement of some individuals knows no bounds.
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If you want to see me, help me
I’m very, very busy. I spend all my free time planning the wedding. If you want to see me then come over and help me address envelopes or put together guest gift baskets.
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Can we talk about something else?
If I have to tell one more person when the wedding is, where the wedding is, if I have the dress, where I got the dress, whether or not we’ll have a live band, and how many people are coming…I’ll burn this place down.
