Gettyimages.com/Smiling couple sitting in diner booth
I’m a bit embarrassed about the red flags I missed in my previous relationships. I’m not just talking about missing first date red flags—those are easy to miss. They go by so quickly. I’m talking about carrying out long-term relationship in which there were, so clearly, problems. My friends in happy relationships must have shaken their heads at me back then. I’d make them endure double dates (and even couples vacations) with these guys who so obviously were not for me. For the record, none of them were bad—they were just bad for me. The dynamics that should be in place for a healthy relationship were all missing. I’m sure my friends and family saw it then. I, however, only see it now that I have found a great relationship. You often have to find the right one to understand why the others were wrong. Here are relationship traits you realize were wrong, when you find the right one
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Seeing his friends as a waste of time
Putting aside some of my free time to spend time with my ex’s friends was always a nuisance. I didn’t think of it as building relationships I’d have for a lifetime (because I wouldn’t)—I just thought of my boyfriend as stealing my free time and making me spend it on his friends.
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Wanting to travel alone
I went on a lot of trips without my ex-boyfriends. It didn’t cross my mind to invite them. When I realized I had a free weekend coming up, I planned a girls’ trip—not a romantic getaway.
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Feeling sad after sex
Only now do I realize that I used to feel quite sad after sex with past boyfriends. That was probably my body trying to tell me that it did not want to be close to these men. Sex with someone you really love is just better.
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Fearing he’d disappoint
Whenever I needed or wanted something of an ex—wanted him to accompany me to a friend’s birthday or wanted his help with some project around my apartment—I had this feeling, deep down, that he’d disappoint me, before I even asked. I just knew I’d have to convince him to do something that would make me happy.
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Worrying about speaking up
If I was unhappy about something in a past relationship, saying something about it felt like a huge deal. I’d have anxiety before bringing it up. I’d go over my speech in my head. Communication didn’t come easily—as it does in my current relationship.
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Feeling guilty around the family
I felt this little nagging sensation of guilt when I’d hang with past boyfriends’ families. That was probably because I knew they were investing in me, and I didn’t think they really should.
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Being petty about money
If my current boyfriend needed to borrow two thousand dollars, I’d hand it over gladly. But with past boyfriends, simply covering their $40 dinner bothered me. That was probably my subconscious telling me I would not be joining finances with these men one day.
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Never feeling jealous
I didn’t really feel jealous in past relationships. Too much jealousy is never good but, your partner should be able to elicit some feeling of jealousy in you. But my exes just…didn’t.
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Loving other male attention
I don’t want, need, or like attention from other men besides my man. But in the past, in other relationships, I found myself seeking out flirtation with other men. It’s because I wasn’t with the right one.
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Not envisioning the future
I can so clearly see a future with my current boyfriend. And we talk about the future all of the time. We love talking about it! It’s exciting for us. But with past boyfriends, the future was a blur. I really couldn’t picture it in my imagination.
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Nausea after talks about the future
When a conversation about the future would come up with past boyfriends, I found myself feeling nauseous, panicked, and dizzy after.
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Always choosing work over him
In one relationship, I’d always let work get in the way of alone time with that boyfriend. I would never, even a little, move things around in order to make more time for him. If it was work or him, work always won.
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Or, always choosing him over everything
Then there was a relationship that I could sense was so fragile, that I had to put the relationship before everything else in order for it to survive. That is not good, either.
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Feeling guilty accepting help
I felt guilty accepting help from past boyfriends. Whether that was them…lending me money or…helping me move or…introducing me to a work contact.
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Not wanting friends to invest
I was never disappointed if a friend missed a chance to get to know my past boyfriends. But with my current guy, I want all my friends to get to know him and love him as much as I do!
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