Signs you've given up on your marriage

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Sometimes, people would rather lead a content life that requires little effort than an amazing life that requires a lot of effort. That’s how people give up on their marriages—they get to a place when they tell themselves, “I’m happy enough” and would rather stay there, doing nothing, than put in the work it takes to be able to say about their marriage, “I’m really happy.” Life gets busy, it goes by fast, and we can forget just how amazing our relationship was back in the days when we gave a s*&#. Between working and taking care of kids (perhaps taking care of elderly parents, too) some married couples can decide that their marriage is one place they can afford to slack off. It’s a shame because, a marriage is the one thing that, if you put in a little effort, it will pay you back tenfold. A happy marriage can make an otherwise difficult life feel pretty good. So don’t just give up on yours. And if you have, here are the signs you’ve given up on your marriage.

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You wait for the person to “get over it”

If you upset your partner, you don’t pursue a discussion. You don’t attempt to battle it out, explain yourself, or apologize. You just toss up your hands and wait for the person to get over it.

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You don’t pry when he’s down

When you can tell that your partner is down, you don’t pry. You don’t ask questions. You don’t dig deeper. If he tells you he’s fine, you take that at face value (though you know it isn’t true) because it’s the easier route than helping him through his issues.

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You barely see each other

You hardly ever see each other. You’re two passing ships in the night. You have something on the calendar every night for the next month, but none of it involves your partner.

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You aren’t attempting to see each other

You acknowledge that you barely see each other, but you don’t feel like doing anything about it. You’ve decided to just let life take over your schedule, rather than grabbing the reigns on it and creating time for each other.

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You’d rather not talk to others about it

You don’t even want to talk to others about it—to your friends who care about you, and can see that your marriage is struggling. You insist everything’s fine, and change the subject.

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You’re married to something else

You’re married to your work, to a hobby, to your kid’s college applications, to your Pilates studio, or just anything or any place or any person other than your partner. Something else is clearly your priority.

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You never touch each other

Not only have you not had sex in months (or years?) but you don’t even hug, kiss, hold hands, touch each other’s shoulder when doing the dishes—nothing. If you pass each other in the hallway, you go out of your way to give each other plenty of room and say, “Excuse me” as if you’re colleagues passing each other at the office.

Gettyimages.com/Shot of a annoyed looking woman seated on a couch resting with her chin on her fist while ignoring her boyfriend at home

You talk to each other like roommates

You’ve given up on pet names, sweet tones, playful teasing, or any type of language that softens up talk about things like laundry and grocery shopping. If someone were to hear you talk to each other, they’d believe you were just roommates.

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You’re traveling alone a lot

You’ve started to physically escape your marriage in an effort to enhance your chances of mentally escaping it. You’re always planning some trip, that doesn’t involve your spouse.

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You have no routine together

You don’t eat together. You don’t go to bed at the same time. You don’t even watch the same TV show—you go to separate rooms and watch your own. You don’t go to the gym together. There are plenty of routine activities that you could sync up to get time together, but you don’t.

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You don’t speak up when you’re upset

When your partner upsets you, you don’t say anything. You just go somewhere to soothe your own pain, like a clothing store, a bar, a yoga class, or a friend’s place. You don’t feel like the juice is worth the squeeze if you bring it up to your partner.

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You never ask where he is

If you get home, and don’t find your partner there, you don’t text him or call him to ask where he is. He may not come home for a full day, and you won’t check in to see where he is.

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You’d rather do your own thing, alone

You always choose the activity you want to do, and do it alone, rather than compromising on an activity that you and your partner both want to do, and doing it together.

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You tune out happy couples

You can’t really look at happy couples, or hear about them. When a friend tells you how happy she is in her relationship, you sort of turn the volume down on her, and think about something else. It’s your subconscious’ defense mechanism—it’s too painful to think about happy marriages.