Buying A Home Before Getting Engaged

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First comes a mortgage, then comes marriage, then comes—wait a minute, that’s not how the song goes. But it’s the path a lot of couples are taking these days. Just recently, a couple I’m friends with who aren’t yet engaged announced that they closed on a house. And that’s actually the third couple I know who’s done that. I guess they wanted to pop the housing market bubble before popping a big question. I don’t see anything wrong with it, but it’s just an interesting departure from the traditional way of doing things. To be honest, my boyfriend and I have had much longer discussions about buying a home—where to buy, when to buy, how much we have to put down, whether or not our parents would be cosigners, and whether we’d favor a large lot in a bad neighborhood over a small place in a posh neighborhood—than we have ever had about getting married. There’s this phenomenon of couples buying homes before getting engaged, so I started talking to some to find out what it’s all about.

Gettyimages.com/Full length of young man lifting woman in new house. Loving couple is surrounded with cardboard boxes. They are wearing casuals.

Buying property is a big(ger?) commitment

Many couples feel that buying a house is actually a bigger commitment and that’s how they’d like to show their devotion to one another. Maybe they have a point: two people are certainly legally bound together if they own property together. Walking away from that is no easy task.

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Managing a house is like a marriage

If you can manage a house together then you can probably manage a marriage. In fact, it’s common for married couples to find the transition from apartment living to home ownership puts their marriage to the test. So some couples feel that if they can learn to communicate effectively and make important decisions together regarding managing a house, they can handle a marriage one day.

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The deal was too good

Considering how completely turbulent the housing market has been over the last couple of decades, some couples just saw a deal that was too good not to jump on. They hadn’t necessarily thought about the implications home ownership had on their relationship.

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It was a better use of money

Paying for a wedding is not exactly cheap. Many couples could only either afford to throw a wedding or buy a house, and they decided that it was smarter to invest in property than to throw a party.

Gettyimages.com/Loving family take a selfie in front of their new home. They are all smiling at the camera.

They want kids before marriage, too

Many couples see my, “Why buy a home before getting married?” and raise me a, “Why have kids before having a home?” What they’re saying is that, they plan on doing everything a bit backwards. They even want to have children next, before getting married, and wanted to make sure those children had a nice house to grow up in.

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They have a common law marriage

Depending on the state they live in, many couples already have a common law marriage so they just felt that they kind of were doing things the traditional way.

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They already live together

For some pairs, the decision to buy a home together was simple because they’d already lived together for years—some near a decade—so they had no question as to whether or not they’d enjoy continuing living together. But in a bigger, better place on which they could build equity.

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They already share finances

Many couples, even if they aren’t married, already completely share their finances and have for a long time. Each has a copy of the other’s credit card. They’re both in each other’s wills (if those exist yet). And they’ve helped one another with various major payments between student loans and car down payments over the years. Swapping and sharing money is no big deal to them.

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They want their wedding there

A wedding is close on the heels of a house purchase for some couples. Many state that the whole reason they bought a house is that they’d like to have their wedding there.

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It’s an investment

Then you have your practical pairs who don’t necessarily know that they’ll spend their lives together, but saw the house as a good investment. If their relationship doesn’t work out, they will just figure out a way to split up equity and so on later.

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They have no intention of marrying

The question, “Why did you buy a house before getting engaged?” seems silly to some couples because it assumes they will ever get engaged. Remember some couples just don’t believe in marriage anymore and they believe there are other great ways to commit to one another.

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They needed each other’s down payment

The truth is, plain and simple, some couples just couldn’t afford the house without each other. Only together did they have enough for the down payment. Or, maybe only one had good enough credit to be approved for a loan.

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Their parents encouraged it

Sometimes, this non-traditional step is a mandate that comes down from the older, typically more traditional generation. In fact, both of my parents have been persistent about trying to get my boyfriend and I to buy a place in order to secure our financial futures. They talk to us about this more than they ask us when we’ll get married.

Gettyimages.com/Happy black man proposing to his girlfriend in the living room. Focus is on man.

They get engaged when they get the house

A few of my couple friends have announced the purchase of their home one day, and their engagement the next. It seems some of these gentlemen have plans up their sleeves all along, and just want to pop the question in the living rooms of their new houses.

Gettyimages.com/Attractive African American couple embrace while in front of their new home. The wife has her arms around her husband.

There are no guarantees in life

Some pairs acknowledge that there are no guarantees in life. An opportunity arose to buy a house at a reasonable price that would be a great investment. They knew they loved each other a lot and, as of now, like the idea of spending their lives together. So with the information in front of them, they made what they believed to be a smart financial move. And the rest will come as it may.