Dating While Heartbroken Never Works

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heartbroken advice

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We’ve all made the mistake of getting back into the dating game before we’re ready. When you’re heartbroken, the temptation to just drown your pain in new attention, affection, sex, or a fling is strong. But, dating too soon after a heartbreak is like drinking to treat a heartbreak: it feels temporarily better, and then feels much, much worse after. Unfortunately, you don’t get to cheat heartbreak. There aren’t any shortcuts or secrets to hacking it. There’s a certain amount of pain created by every breakup and, you kind of need to feel every bit of it until you feel better. So whether it’s binge drinking or dating early, all you do is put the pain on hold, but it doesn’t go away—it waits until you’re vulnerable and creeps back in, but stronger, because you ignored it for a while. Here is why you can’t date while heartbroken.

You can be too sensitive

You don’t have the usual protective skin that you normally would—that’s the stuff that keeps you from freaking out if someone reschedules a date or takes 20 minutes longer to call you than they said they would. That’s been worn down from your heartbreak, and so you can be very sensitive.

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You can be too needy

Since you’re essentially just trying to run from your pain, you’re going to need someone to run fast to keep up with you. That means you’ll come off as needy, wanting to see someone a lot, or talk on the phone several times a day. Being left alone too long lets the pain sneak in.

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You may still be paranoid

Your last relationship may have left you a bit paranoid. You can misread little things that new guys do or say, and think that the bad things that happened in your last relationship are happening all over again. It’s like relationship PTSD.

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You can’t be giving

You have to be selfish to get over a heartbreak. You have to dedicate all of your healing energy to yourself so, you can’t really be there for someone new who may need your comfort or support for anything.

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You’ll always compare

You can’t help but compare everyone to your last partner, whether that’s negatively or positively. He’s still in your system so you’ll measure everything someone does against your last partner.

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New letdowns hurt even more

Since your protective layer is all gone, new letdowns hurt more than they typically would. If a guy you like doesn’t want to see you again, it will hurt ten times as bad as it would if you weren’t still heartbroken over the last guy.

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You haven’t learned the lessons

You probably still have some important lessons to learn from your last relationship—lessons that will enhance your chances of finding a better relationship next time. But you need alone time to really think about those. If you don’t take that time, you could repeat your mistakes.

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You’ll come off as cynical

You may unintentionally come off as a bit cynical. It’s normal to talk a bit about relationships in general when you go on dates, but your view of them is rather dark right now, so you can come off as negative.

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You could project anger

If you’re still angry with your ex, you could accidentally project some of that anger onto new guys. Since he’s still in your system, you see him in everyone else. Then new guys will just think you have anger issues.

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You’ll encourage codependency

It’s really important to be alone in between relationships so that you remind yourself that you can be alone. It may not be fun but, it won’t kill you. If you don’t show yourself that, you can develop serious codependency issues because you’ll fear that being alone will kill you.

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Your vision is blurry

You just can’t see someone for who he really is when you’re still heartbroken over someone else. You’re in a fog. Your perspective is cloudy. New people don’t get a real chance.

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Your standards are messy

You’ll kind of just be with anybody because it’s better than being alone. Well—you think it is because, you didn’t give the whole being alone thing a chance.

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It scares people

New dates may not love the fact that you’re already out in the field, one week out of a relationship. They can feel like you’re wasting their time because, clearly, you aren’t yet ready to date.

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You disrespect the memories

Your last relationship, however it ended, deserves a mourning period. You can’t just discard of relationships as if they never happened, just because you don’t like the way they ended. It’s important for your psyche to mourn.

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You’ll be flaky

You’ll generally be flaky. You’ll cancel on people a lot because you suddenly feel too sad to leave your home. You won’t answer your phone if you’re depressed. Heartbroken people are unreliable because they have to just serve themselves and their immediate feelings.

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