Setting up friends: what are the rules?

Gettyimages.com/Family enjoying the weekend in their home

If you’re like me, then you want everyone to be as blissfully happy in a relationship as you are. I know how much joy I get from my relationship. I live with my boyfriend and every night is like a sleepover with my best friend! He’s brought out the best sides of me, and pushed me to thrive in areas that I was afraid to explore before. So, naturally, I want the friends whom I love and respect to enjoy a similar experience. I love love. Okay—I said it. I’m always trying to play matchmaker, like some endearing but pushy grandmother (but I’m much younger). I actually have completed a few successful setups. I’ve also made some mistakes in my earlier days of matchmaking—mistakes that not only didn’t result in a love connection but also put a strain on my relationship with those friends. So when it comes to setting up friends, here are the rules.

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Don’t surprise them

Don’t just invite two of your single friends over for dinner—just you and them—and mysteriously find yourself so busy that you have to go into your office and leave them alone for an hour. Neither of them knew they were going on a date that night and weren’t prepared.

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Put some thought into it

Don’t just put two single people together because they’re single. Do some research. Ask them questions about their values, goals, dreams, type, and so on. Do quality work here, or no friend will ever trust you with a set up again.

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Have some consideration for type

While you wish your friend would like this type of guy, you can’t force her to. I know–breaking type can be good, but you can’t decide it for a friend. So, think about the person’s type when setting them up. Sure, their type hasn’t worked in the past so you think they could use a change, but at least ask yourself if they’ll find the person physically attractive. Give someone what they want rather than tell them what they should want.

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Don’t expose their dirty laundry

While you do have the scoop on each individual, you shouldn’t share it with the other. In other words, don’t tell one person all about the other’s nasty breakup. They don’t need to know that and it can cloud their judgment.

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Don’t coach

Do not attempt to coach your friend on how to “win” this date. If you do not believe that this date will be a huge success without your coaching, then it’s not a good match.

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Don’t give warnings

Maybe you know that one person can be a little…too talkative/slightly paranoid/obsessed with work. Don’t warn the other person about this. It may not have even bothered them, but now that you mentioned it, it’s all they’ll see.

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Ask yourself if you’d date the person

You don’t need to be attracted to the person yourself but, be realistic: if they have some quality that is truly unacceptable as far as relationship material goes, don’t send them on a date.

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Don’t take critique personally

Your friend may come back and say the date went well but, she noticed this or that flaw in the person. Don’t become defensive or take it personally. She went on the date after all, didn’t she? She deserves some credit and is allowed to talk about it.

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Don’t pry too much

Don’t ask too many questions about if they liked each other, if they slept together, if they’ll see each other again etc. Nobody likes to feel like someone is watching their relationship bloom.

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Let a second date happen naturally

If they say there will be no second date, let it go. Don’t ask them way, and try to convince them to change their minds. And don’t surprise them again, by inviting them both to your place for dinner.

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Don’t set up someone you’ve dated

Yes, we know: you’ve gone on dates with some really wonderful guys who just weren’t for you. But you can’t set your discards up with your friends. It’s weird for everyone. Pull from a fresh pile.

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They won’t need a chaperone

You do not need to go with them. I promise you that you do not. No. Put down the car keys.

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Don’t get mad if it doesn’t work out

If they date for a bit and things don’t work out, don’t become upset. With them or yourself. You were just trying to help. And they aren’t obligated to get married.

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Don’t boast constantly if it does work

If it does work out, you don’t need to tell everyone forever that you set these two people up. Spare them the 20-minute speech about it at their wedding.