Couples therapy and your uncooperative partner

Pensive Black man sitting in coffee shop

Not all men go to couples’ therapy without putting up a fight. Alright, most men will be pretty resistant at first. There are a number of factors at play here. For starters, men tend to be less willing to go to therapy—whether that’s one-one-one, group, or couples—than women are. Overall, men are less likely to seek the help of a therapist for emotional issues. Now, add their romantic partner into the mix, and they may be even less willing to involve an outside party. Men can be very proud, as well as very private. They worry about their therapist noticing patterns or pointing out habits. Not only can they feel that they and they alone should be able to fix their relationship without anyone’s help, but they can also feel that their relationship troubles are nobody’s business. If you are a woman whose partner won’t go to couples therapy, or you’re in therapy with a partner who isn’t really cooperating, there are things you can do. Here are ways to get your partner to cooperate in couples’ therapy.

Gettyimages.com/Young couple on bed, working on their laptops

Make it sound practical

Men appreciate practicality. They like to problem solve. If you focus more on the fact that a therapist is really just like a doctor for emotions, he may come around. You don’t leave a broken sink unfixed and you shouldn’t leave a damaged relationship damaged.

Gettyimages.com/unhappy mixed race woman all stressed out – on white background

Pitch it as a confined time for fighting

Well, not fighting exactly but, discussing. If your partner is tired of analyzing your relationship and arguing every single day, you can tell him that if you go to therapy, you’ll lay off some arguments more during the week—you know you’ll have your time to discuss them in therapy.

Gettyimages.com/A woman sitting across the table from her therapist, receiving mental health counselling.

Find an unbiased therapist

Find a therapist who comes off as unbiased and balanced. It’s important that he or she doesn’t appear to take any person’s side. The truth is that your partner might prefer a male therapist, because it’s common for men to feel that women are teaming up against them if there’s a female therapist.

Gettyimages.com/couple online shopping

And consult him on the therapist

Get your partner’s input on what sort of therapist he would like. Present him with options, from the styles of therapy they offer, to the age and gender of the individual. The more comfortable he is with the person, the better.

Gettyimages.com/women gossiping

Respect his privacy policy

A big reason men don’t want to go to therapy is that they don’t want people to know that they go to therapy. So respect your partner’s request for privacy. Promise him that you won’t tell anyone you two are in counseling.

Couple drinking coffee on sofa

Don’t interrupt him

Don’t interrupt your partner in counseling. You worked very hard to get him here, so if he’s even taking the next step and opening up, do not interrupt him.

Gettyimages/com/Vertical shot of angry young woman pointing at you against gray background. Real black woman portrait shooting with hand gun. Studio photography from a DSLR camera. Sharp focus on eyes.

Don’t be accusatory

Avoid accusatory statements. These are statements that assume someone’s intention. Nobody likes to be told that they were trying to be mean/selfish/immature. You can list real, factual actions. But don’t make accusatory statements about intentions.

Gettyimages.com/A young woman writing on a notebook.

Check your work

You can’t expect your partner to cooperate if you aren’t cooperating. Do the homework your therapist assigns you. Participate in the exercises she plans for your sessions. Don’t miss sessions.

Gettyimages.com/couple being affectionate

Tell him who else has gone

If you can tell your partner that other couples whom you both like and respect have gone to couples counseling and found success, you may open him up to the idea.

Gettyimages.com/cash money

Discuss the costs

Cost may be a big concern on your partner’s mind. He may feel like paying someone to solve his relationship problems is a waste of money. So, find affordable options. And look at your budgets, look at other areas you (you, personally) can cut back, and decide on a reasonable schedule for therapy (maybe just twice a month).

Gettyimages.com/Young African American woman gestures while talking with a female therapist. The patient has a concerned expression on her face.

Just get him to one session

If you can get him to just one session, he can see that it’s not that bad. And convincing him to agree to one session is much easier than convincing him to agree to a year’s worth of sessions.

Gettyimages.com/Young couple on sofa drinking coffee and have wonderful Sunday morning

Tell him it’s nobody’s fault

Make sure he knows that you do not think your relationship problems are his fault. They are the result of miscommunications, conflicting needs, and other factors that nobody asked for or caused.

A couple sitting down, chatting in the sun by the canal together.

Remind him of other failed solutions

If he tries to argue by saying you can fix things on your own, you can remind him that you already have tried. You can list the various ways you’ve tried to improve things that have not worked.

Gettyimages.com/Happy couple eating cereal

Let him feel heard

Let him tell you all of his reasons for not wanting to go. Listen and repeat back what he’s saying. That way, when you still insist on going to therapy, he knows you really mean it—you’ve heard his points, understood them, and still think you should go.