Gettyimages.com/Cropped shot of an affectionate young couple looking taking selfies after their engagement
Some element of surprise in a proposal is always nice. If we scheduled the time and place for these things, that would take some of the magic out of it. But it astonishes me how many couples get engaged without ever having discussed the topic of marriage before. Like—not even touched upon it. My boyfriend and I have proclaimed to each other man, many times that we want to marry each other and spend our lives together. So when the question comes, I won’t be completely dumb-founded. It’s nice for him not to go through the sweaty-palmed terror some guys go through, who never talk about marriage before proposing to their partner. Overall, it’s just a good idea to at least talk about it a little bit before popping the question. Here is why you should discuss the proposal before doing it.
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She may not be ready
Your partner may not feel that you, as a couple, are there yet. She may think you can get there but, if she doesn’t feel your relationship is ripe for marriage yet then, you could have an awkward, “Um…can we talk about this a bit?” coming your way. And that’s a crappy way for a proposal to go. She also might just be enjoying the dating phase still.
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Maybe public isn’t her thing
You should check on how she wants the proposal to go down. Obviously, you won’t give away all details but, you should confirm whether she’d like something public or private. If she really doesn’t want something public, then she’ll be angry if you go that route.
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The timing may be rude
If the woman’s best friend or sibling just got engaged, she’ll want to wait a while so as not to steal their spotlight. Or, if there was recently a tragedy in the family, an engagement may feel inappropriate.
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Planning a wedding takes time
When you ask someone to marry you, you’re asking that person to spend her life with you and to plan a wedding—and the latter is an immense task. You may want to check your partner is in a place to plan a wedding right now.
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Ring funds may be shared
If you have financial goals together, or even share bank accounts, then your partner may want some say on the ring. Maybe she’d be upset if you blew too much money on one—money you were supposed to put into a house together.
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Should it fall on a holiday
People tend to feel strongly about this, one way or another. Maybe you have plans to pop the question on Valentine’s Day or your partner’s birthday. But she may not want the two events to overlap.
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You may need to ask her parents
You may learn that—whoops—your partner’s family is pretty old-fashioned. If you popped the question, before consulting the parents, you could tarnish that relationship for a while.
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What if she wanted to propose?
Hey, we aren’t in the dark ages anymore. Women can propose, too. Maybe your partner feels it’s misogynistic that you assume she wouldn’t propose. Maybe she wants this to be more of a joint agreement than one person asking the other.
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Have you lived together?
If you don’t yet live together, it may be important to your partner that that happen before an engagement. Either way, you should have some discussion about the order in which she wants things to go.
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No’s are embarrassing
It’s just nice to know that you’ll get a yes. I mean, people can always change their mind—nothing is a guarantee—but it’s good to at least confirm that a firm NO isn’t coming your way. Those are embarrassing.
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It symbols a partnership
If you discuss an engagement with your partner before popping the question, it shows that you see your partner as your equal. You didn’t just make the decision, for the two of you, that now was a good time to get engaged.
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Some don’t respond well to surprises
Some people really don’t respond well to surprises. So, if you think your partner is the type who might punch you, throw up on you, or run away screaming when surprised, discuss the proposal first.
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She wants to be photo ready
Your partner may want the chance to be photo ready! Maybe she’d like her skin to clear up or to lose some weight before the engagement photos. She has the right to prepare for those.
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She may have other news
Your partner may have something else big going on in her life right now like an impending promotion or…pregnancy! I don’t know! But you want to make sure you aren’t accidentally overshadowing something else that’s important to her right now.
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If you haven’t something’s wrong
If you have never, ever discussed the possibility of getting married before popping the question, then something is wrong. Communication lines need to be pretty strained for a couple to have never talked about that.
