What it’s like being in the third marriage club
What It’s Like Being In The Third Marriage Club
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My dad is onto his third marriage, a fact for which I used to judge him deeply. And, to be honest, I had my reasons for judging him because the way he jumped from one to the next (let’s just say there was some, er, overlap) put my mom, my sister, and I through hell on earth. So, after my experience with someone with a couple divorces under his belt, I never thought I’d be able to befriend or respect anyone else who had lived like that. But, like with most times we are judgmental, stubborn, and close-minded I turned out to be wrong. I actually now know and like several people who are onto marriage number three. They weren’t all cheaters or liars. And, the ones who were have since learned a lot from their mistakes. For some individuals, that’s just the way life works out—it takes them down the aisle and through divorce court several times. I’ve learned a lot about these friends’ experiences, good and bad. Here is what it’s like being in the third marriage club.
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Your dating pool is affected
People who have been married three times, and are now single, can have a hard time dating. Their pool isn’t smaller just because a lot of people are taken or the ones who aren’t are single because they have serious issues. There is an additional limitation: only other people with several divorces behind them will date them. Everyone else sees them as too damaged.
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People question your judgment
The moment someone who has been married three times tells their friends they’ve met someone new, the first thing they see is concern. Nobody trusts their judgment anymore.
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Your finances are everywhere
The finances of someone who has been divorced several times can be a mess. They may be paying or receiving alimony to and from several individuals. They may still share some property or business with an ex. It’s quite a puzzle.
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You collected friends in each one
Third marriage members have collected friends from every marriage. Their birthday parties are a mish mosh of people who stuck around since marriage one, two, and three. That’s a fact those friends hilariously put together as they get to know each other.
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You have one friend who’s an ex
If someone has been married three times, there is a high likelihood that they’re still quite good friends with at least one of their exes. Not all marriages end badly. And an ex-spouse is a very particular, very close type of friend—a type of friend new partners may not like having around.
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Engagements are never the same again
People who are onto their fourth engagement know they can’t expect that giddy response they got from their friends after engagement one or two. That ran out after the second divorce. The “We’re engaged” announcement is a bit more casual and calm, like a, “We are moving” announcement.
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Weddings are never the same again
People who are onto their third or fourth marriage have no delusion about it: they know their next wedding will be small. Very small. People are tired of buying the gifts and paying for the plane tickets. Most of them just want to elope at this point.
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There’s been friend incest
If someone has been married a few times, and lived in the same town the whole time, it’s bound to happen: friend incest. At one point, they married an ex friend’s ex husband or at least an old neighbor’s ex husband. There are only a couple degrees of separation between the spouse and someone else who they know very well.
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You’ve gone through several revelations
Each marriage comes with tremendous personal change. Usually, when a marriage comes to a head, it’s because someone realized that something unchangeable and immovable about themselves was in absolute contradiction with something unchangeable in their spouse. There’s nothing like that to show you who you are, whether you like it or not.
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You don’t believe in forever
It’s hard for those who’ve been married several times to think about forever with someone. They’re slightly more practical and say things like, “I could definitely see myself being happy with this person for at least a decade.”
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You aren’t attached to your home
Several divorces usually mean several homes. And it’s not just like you hop from one house to another—there are the temporary places you stay while you’re separated. Those with lots of divorces behind them don’t feel as attached to their homes as those who’ve been in one marriage for a decade.
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Turns out rushing things doesn’t work
This one takes a few marriages for people to figure out but most do: rushing things is never a good idea. And, the timeframe for rushing things gets longer and longer as they get older. Eventually, they want to be with someone for several years before marrying.
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People invite you to be bitter
Some folks in the third marriage club are very bitter. They’ve let their experiences make them think poorly of people and believe that love isn’t real. They try to get anyone else with a few divorces behind them on their side.
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You won’t find yourself in someone else
Here’s something else it can take a few marriages to discover: you won’t find yourself in someone else. Someone else is never the answer to unresolved childhood trauma or untreated emotional pain.
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People judge you; you’re used to it
People in the third marriage club learn quickly who out there is judgmental and close-minded—those are the people who are immediately cold to anyone in the third marriage club. It’s okay—my multiple-marriage friends are unbothered by it at this point.
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