10 Things To Know About Having A Spontaneous Or “Natural” Miscarriage At Home

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A few months ago, while in my first trimester of pregnancy at nine weeks, I was told that I was dealing with a threatened abortion. I tried to be optimistic about it, because “threatened” isn’t the same thing as a conclusive miscarriage. However, when I followed up on that diagnosis and underwent an ultrasound with my doctor, the heartbeat of the “fetus,” my growing baby, had stopped. I was asked if I wanted to schedule a D&C (dilation and cutterage removal) procedure for a few days later, or if I wanted medication to try and force an abortion, and I didn’t want any of it. I couldn’t afford it, financially or emotionally. Also, I was holding out hope that there was a mistake, and that the fetus might still be alive or come back to life (Lazarus anyone?). So the only option I had left if I wanted to wait was to have a spontaneous or “natural” miscarriage.

And so I did, and it was an incredibly complicated, sad process. But I knew I wasn’t alone. Twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriages and many more women are getting comfortable sharing their stories. Still, nothing could have made it better, but more information on what to expect certainly could have helped. There were threads here and there, but most of it was women seeking advice on what they should do and prepare for. With them in mind, and anyone else who might find themselves in a situation like this, I thought I would share some insight if you don’t want to have surgery or deal with medication to force an abortion. It won’t be easy, but once you go through the entire process, you and your body will obtain some closure.

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It’s up to your body how long the miscarriage will last.

You can’t rush it.

When I was initially looking for information on what to expect, I read accounts from women who after finding out about the death of their fetus, waited maybe a few weeks at the most for the full miscarriage to take place. Once it started, it was over within hours, with bleeding occurring for about a week after the fact.

What made my situation different was that I found out the heartbeat of my fetus had stopped just days before I ended up in the emergency room for bleeding. I was starting from scratch. Others had gone in for their first ultrasounds and found out that even though they were supposed to be close to the second trimester, their fetuses were the size of earlier weeks, with hearts having stopped weeks before. Their bodies had already started the process of a miscarriage and they didn’t know it.

And while some might pass everything in a few weeks, I didn’t completely pass the fetus and tissue and get back to normal for a while. I lost the fetus in April, but I didn’t completely pass everything until late June.

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The experience is a form of labor.

That’s not a joke meant to be dramatic. When the actual delivery (of sorts) begins, you go through contractions as your body tries to expel the fetus and everything associated with it. Depending how far along you are, the pains can be incredibly intense, or they can feel like your usual menstrual cramps. It depends. If your situation is like mine, the kind where you can’t seem to find comfort in any other way than by sitting on the toilet, try and go through these moments with someone by your side. They can hold your hand and provide you with support. Otherwise, you’ll just feel like you’re going through the worst thing ever by yourself. Not to mention, if you bleed too much, you could pass out and require medical treatment.

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You’re going to feel stuck for a while.

Until you completely pass everything and stop bleeding, you will feel trapped in your grief. Without the resolution of knowing everything is physically out, it’s hard to be able to start the emotional work it takes to get back to feeling like yourself. Having to play the waiting game is a big reason women opt for the surgical removal of the fetus.

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It will get lonely.

Even if you have the support of a partner, friends and family, the truth is, you will be going through something others won’t fully feel or understand. There is pain for the father, but the pain is both emotional and physical for the mother. She bears the brunt of having to pass the child and cope with her grief at the same time. That sadness can be hard to explain to others and to find any sense of comfort through.

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Your body might still think you’re pregnant.

Weeks after I was told the fetus was not alive, I watched my stomach continue to grow. It was the oddest thing, and it also gave me a false sense of hope that maybe my doctor and the ultrasound results had been wrong. But it was just my body’s delayed response in realizing the little person it was supposed to be making changes for, was no longer viable. It would quickly realize this though, and my stomach went down, my hormones decreased, and any of the symptoms I had that let me know I was pregnant (sore breasts, queasiness, aversions to certain foods) went away soon after.

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Don’t go anywhere without a bag of feminine hygiene products.

If you’re waiting for the process to begin, believe me when I say you need to make whatever moves you have to on a daily basis with a bag of feminine hygiene products and a spare pair of underwear with you. Every time you go to the bathroom, take that bag with you. When the extremely heavy bleeding and clots started abruptly for me, I was at my desk at work. Before I could figure out what was happening, I went to the bathroom and found I had bled through my entire underwear (and didn’t have a spare to change into or an adult diaper on deck). Be prepared in order to ease the stress of an already trying situation.

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You may or may not see the fetus — prepare yourself.

I tried different things to deal with my contractions, and as previously stated, mine were very bad. I had them for days on and off once they started, and they would run through my back and on to my pelvis, feeling as though I was being pulled apart. To find some relief, I would get in the hottest bathwater I could run and try and relax. I took a few of those baths comfortably until I started realizing that other women said they pushed everything out in the tub, even the whole fetus, and had to come face to face with it. I didn’t want that.

While I respect people saving the fetus and burying it, coming face to face with it, for me, would have been traumatizing. I soon stopped taking baths and opted to stay on the toilet when contractions happened and contents of my pregnancy were expelled. Thankfully, I never definitively saw it because I just kept flushing. Not to mention, my wait was so long in getting out everything, my doctor believed the fetus had broken apart after a while.

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You will still need medical intervention at a certain point.

It’s your best bet, even after choosing to avoid surgery, to see a doctor when you believe you’ve passed everything, or when you’re just weary of trying to. An ultrasound can tell you if your endometrial lining is still very thick and if the fetus is still present or not. If it’s been really long and things haven’t completely passed, your doctor might do what mine did — tell you to take some pills (Misoprostol) after everything to help abort all contents once and for all. If that doesn’t work, then they might push the D&C on you. Still, the choice is up to you.

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Your first period post-miscarriage can be rough.

Not only because your body is still flushing out some things, but also because if you did the type of bleeding I did for as long as I did, the sight of blood after a short break will fill you with a sense of post-traumatic stress. But the good news is that once that first period ends, if your doctor approves, you can get back to trying again for another baby whenever you’re ready.

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It will make you stronger.

You will, for a good chunk of time, feel weak. You will be emotionally broken. You might even feel like you failed yourself and your body failed you. Eventually though, through whatever means you prefer (therapy, prayer, talking openly about what you’ve been through, etc.), you will find strength (especially if you can get through those contractions without relying on pill after pill — natural birth, here I come!). You will be reminded that it wasn’t your fault and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may take a while to get through to it, and the sadness over what could have been may never fully leave you, but if you can get through this process, you will be surprised at what hurdles will be trivial, if not laughable in the future.

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10 Things To Know About Having A Spontaneous Or "Natural" Miscarriage